The Strangest Athletes' Kids Names
Children have always kind of been the little experiments of those mad scientists we more commonly call "parents," but it seems that this whole concept has been taken to another level during the past few decades.
Kids are always in some measure a reflection of those it made them happen--mom and/or dad dictate what they wear, what they eat, where they go to school—but just as Cool Ranch Dorito's lost their once rebellious edge to flavors spelled with giant X's—modern children have morphed into living reflections of a parent's (or parents') possibly dying hopes, dreams...and more distressingly...insulated egomania.
While admittedly this is a mostly melodramatic take on parenting that rarely is seen to such extremes in your average, everyday families, the rich and famous are an exception. And nowhere is this more apparent than in the names given to the children of the super elite—athletes included.
Whereas Cato would have been a head-slapper 20 years ago, it's a trending baby name in 2012. Thanks a lot, "Hunger Games." But that's a name that makes you say, "Ugh.." rather than "WTF."
Don't worry some of the biggest names in sports have said, "I'll see your Cato, and raise you Kradence Clover."
These are the 30 Strangest Athletes' Kids Names.
30. Kurt Warner, Retired NFL
The Problem(s): Besides the fact that there are seven of them? The Pattern. Trying to name your kids in a pattern is strange and may be an indication that the parents have OCD.
Plus, Zachary Taylor was an extremely unremarkable president, and you know this kid is gonna hear about it in history class...assuming he's not homeschooled. But he'll probably be homeschooled.
29. Oscar De La Hoya, Retired Boxer
Nina Lauren Nenitte
The Problem(s): There's just no rhyme or reason to these names. Some are very normal, others are insane. Some have three names, others just one. Some are creative, others are just ripped off from movies.
He needs to stop procreating because most of these kids have different mothers, and it seems Oscar has taken one too many blows to the head.
28. Brett Favre, Retired NFL
The Problem(s): It doesn't really seem fair that one of the girls gets a run-of-the-mill girl's name and the other gets a weird Frankenstein version of the name that was manipulated awkwardly to sound like her sister's.
This probably caused some dissension in the Favre household during those pesky teen years.
27. Kerri Walsh Jennings, Olympic Beach Volleyball
The Problem(s): Another contradiction in naming philosophies. Joseph Michael is the name of a respectable businessman, while Sundance Thomas is the name of that middle-aged lady who was hitting on you at the Phish concert last summer.
26. Jay-Z, Brooklyn Nets Owner
Blue Ivy Carter
The Problem(s): My main problem with Beyonce's baby's name is that it sounds more like a show dog than a baby girl. Although, if your mom is Beyonce and your dad is Jay-Z, this is a little easier to pull off.
25. Santana Moss, Washington Redskins
The Problem(s): They stuck too closely to the script. Perhaps there's a rule in place that requires Santana Moss to give his kids names that start with "Sa," no matter how ridiculous or strange the end result may be?
I wish it were that easily explained. There's something so uncomfortably narcissistic about people who do stuff like this—and Moss certainly isn't the only offender.
24. Terrell Owens, NFL Free Agent
The Problem(s): Much like Terrell Owens himself, these names are just out there. They aren't quite as weird as many of the alphabetical concoctions cooked up by other athletes on this list, but I certainly wouldn't want to have to go through life correcting the pronunciation of a name that I've grown to loathe.
23. Roger Clemens, Retired MLB
The Problem(s): Extreme theme. I'll give Roger Clemens some credit for not insisting on giving the fruit of his loins a name that mimics his own. Maybe I'm being too kind here, but restraint in this arena doesn't seem to be exercised enough in the sports world.
That being said—did he pull the letter "K" out of a bag or something? This whole motif just reminds me of a very difficult round of drunken Scattergories.
22. Derrick Thomas, Kansas City Chiefs
The Problem(s): Honestly, I didn't have that much of a problem with these names until I got to Burgandie. He and his various baby mamas went through all the hassle to come up with six actual names for kids, and then they just got lazy and picked the first color in the room for poor Burgandie.
In the time they spent coming up with the life-ruining way to misspell burgundy, they could have come up with another "Der" name like...Derrannium. Boom! Done.
21. Tony Hawk, Skateboarder
The Problem(s): The problem is that someone was obviously high on drugs when they came up with Kadence Clover. The other three names are douchey, rich people names—which is fine—but then they hippie out completely. What's that all about?
20. Carey Hart, Motocross
Willow Sage Hart
The Problem(s): Have you ever seen Carey Hart and (his wife) Pink? Willow Sage isn't that stupid of a name, it just doesn't make any sense coming from these two.
19. Casey Daigle, Lake Charles
The Problem(s): They are too butch. I know that Casey Daigle and his wife Jenni Finch are both athletes, but what if Diesel Dean grows up and wants to be on Broadway instead? Sure it'll look good in lights, but it's going to attract a lot of unwanted attention from the jock community in school if he's not in the jock community.
On the bright side! They've got prison-ready names if either of them (or both of them) ever happen to find themselves on the wrong side of the law. Willow Sage Hart wouldn't last one day in the clink.
18. Peyton Manning, Denver Broncos
The Problem(s): They're twins. They are going to be strangely connected their whole life because that's just what seems to happen when you share a uterus for nine months. Isn't that enough of a common bond for the babies Manning?
It's just weird to do the cute similar name thing when the twins aren't even the same gender. Am I right?
17. Kroy Biermann, Atlanta Falcons
Kroy Jagger Jr.
The Problem(s): Well how about the fact that one of those Bravo housewives is pre-menopausal? I took for granted that it looks like all of them said goodbye to their childbearing years a decade ago. God seriously does work in mysterious ways sometimes.
Kroy Biermann and "Real Housewives of Atlanta" star Kim Zolciak recently welcomed Kash Kade into the world and (shock of shocks!) they decided to stick with the whole "K" thing. Sorry kids, you're never gonna be the Kardashians.
16. Santonio Holmes, New York Jets
The Problem(s): Saniya is the problem. Taking a standard name like Sonya or Sonia and butchering the spelling is one of the most irritating things in the world. It doesn't make the name look original, it makes the parents look like idiots who can't spell.
And if you're going to go with the series of similar names, why not go all in with it? It's not that I don't appreciate the variety, but I can't help but think that Nicori is going to feel like the Jan Brady of the family for her entire life.
15. Deion Sanders, Retired NFL
The Problem(s): If any athlete from the last two decades was going to use his children as his own personal vanity plates, it was going to be Deion "Prime Time" Sanders. Anyone who didn't see this coming from a mile away was probably in diapers in the '90s.
But as much as the thought of being named Deiondra makes me shudder, I can't say that I'd pick Shelomi or Shedeur if given the opportunity to swap it out. Seriously terrible stuff.
14. David Beckham, Los Angeles Galaxy
The Problem(s): I never expected Posh Spice to name her children something normal, so I came to terms with the stupidness of Cruz, Brooklyn and Romeo a long time ago. But Seven, on the other hand, is an entirely different story. Either they stole it from the movie Se7en or they stole it from George Costanza—not okay.
13. Noel Devine, Montreal Alouettes
The Problem (s): Noel and Desirae are actually fine, which is why Destyni stands out like a sore thumb. Destyni is the name of a stripper. I'm sorry, but as someone who was also bestowed a stripper name at birth, I'm perfectly within my rights to point it out.
12. Antonio Cromartie, New York Jets
The Problem(s): Since Antonio Cromartie is working towards a bakers' dozen of children with a bevy of different women, there was bound to be some hits and misses in the naming department. Highs: Alonzo, A.J., Tyler and Leilani. Lows: Jurzie, Myjunia and (of course) Jagger.
11. Kenny Anderson, Retired NBA
The Problem(s): Never use two Kenneths when one Kenneth will do. And trust me—one Kenneth is always more than enough. Also, I'd hate to be Lyric or Jazz in music class growing up. So I guess Kenny Anderson is shooting .500 in the illegitimate-child-naming department.
10. Chad Johnson, NFL Free Agent
Chad Johnson II
The Problem(s): I think that I speak for most of America when I say that Chad Johnson I was enough. Unfortunately it's all downhill from there. The other three names are so ridiculously absurd that I am actually at a loss for any additional commentary besides SMDH.
9. Shaquille O'Neal, Retired NBA
The Problem(s): You know Mom and Pop have taken a few too many liberties naming their kids when it looks like the process involved them dipping a big spoon into a bowl of alphabet soup six times and saying, "Perfect!" Seriously, Shaq's kids have names packed with more assonance than an Eminem song, and half rhyme with Shakira.
8. Ricky Williams, Retired NFL
The Problem(s): It's appropriate that, like their father's career, Ricky Williams' children have names that are all over the place. There's Elijah, a name with an ancient, biblical origin. Throw in Marley and you check both boxes on the Ricky Williams scoresheet when combined with Elijah—spirituality and smokin' doobies. Prince, as in Prince Williams, which may not been an intentional attempt to sound almost like the future king of Britain.
Finally, Asha and Kekoa are more of your standard-issue names designed to not be duplicated in any classroom or boardroom.
7. Manute Bol, Former NBA
The Problem(s): Manute Bol was a one-of-kind player, who at 7'7" was just impossibly tall and seemed to defy nature with his ability to move that huge frame on the court. His life story—coming to America from Sudan and playing in the NBA—is pretty amazing as well.
But...yeesh...but naming his kid Bol Bol? I'm sure that the name has some cultural or personal meaning, but it sounds like a piece of IKEA dishware.
6. Frank Lampard, Chelsea FC
Luna Coco Patricia
The Problem(s): Luna Coco Patricia and Isla are perfect examples of the kind of names bestowed on the children of someone who's under the age of 35 and has both the insulated life of a wealthy, eccentric athlete as well as a need to advertise it on two living, walking billboards.
Bravo Frank Lampard!
5. George Foreman, Retired Boxer
Isabella Brandie Lilja
The Problem(s): When I first saw all 11 names of George Foreman's kids in one place, I thought I'd accidentally opened the Wikipedia page on the Hanoverian Dynasty of the United Kingdom (which included the lovely George III, who both started and lost the American Revolutionary War).
After doing a double-take, I realized that Foreman indeed has his own succession of George's—and one Georgetta (thank goodness) for good measure.
I don't know if he's a narcissist or in a blood feud with a rival noble family.
4. Sylvester Stallone, Action Star
The Problem(s): Of course Sylvester Stallone named one of his sons Seargeoh. It's a strange, unnecessarily complex phonetic spelling of Sergio, but damn...if you don't hear Stallone's voice in your head slowly saying it when you read it. I was so bewildered by Seargeoh that it made all those other "names" look half normal.
Before you blow up the comment section about Stallone being included, he played an iconic character in a classic sports flick that is always at or near the top of any list of the greatest sports movies ever.
Plus, you wouldn't say Rambo isn't an athlete to his face.
3. Allen Iverson, Former NBA
The Problem(s): Rarely does a name define the person—there are tens of millions of Jasons and Sarahs in the world, and among them are successes, failures and everything in between.
However, Allen Iverson gave his children the kind of names that are like verbs for destiny. I mean if you're name is Ginger Molasses, how could you become anything but the sassy, buxom lady who runs a house of ill repute?
With names like Messiah and Dream Alijha, I can only imagine that Iverson's children will one day be fighting evil beings from another dimension using telepathic powers.
2. Manny Pacquiáo, Boxer
The Problem(s): I get it—Manny Pacquiáo is one of the two biggest things in boxing right now. Boxing is a beleaguered sport, which spent well over a decade alienating many of its fans, while MMA just grows in popularity.
Boxing needs Pacquiáo, who has the charm and skills to inject life back into the once-proud sport.
But why did he have to name one of his kids Queen Elizabeth—who happens to be the current queen of England—and the other Princess? It's not even consistent: one name is the title and namesake of living royalty and the other is just a royal title.
Hey, I'm gonna my first-born President Barack Lee—regardless of gender. Get that? The first name is President, middle name is Barack. Homeroom roll call is gonna be awkward.
1. Arthur Ashe, Former Tennis Player
The Problem(s): The late, great Arthur Ashe named his only child Camera in honor of his wife's profession as a photographer.
The problem is, when I see a kid named Camera, I just hear Brick from Anchorman saying, "I love..lamp."
And that's that! Follow me on Twitter because I said so: Follow @blamberr Thanks!