Study Finds Chimps Defeat Bracketologists

Todd ParmeleeSenior Analyst IMarch 19, 2008

I found a study in the Bracketology Journal (Volume 2, Issue 7) entitled “Chimpanzees or Bracketologists?”  Oddly, the same researchers that conducted this study also published a study that showed HGH does not increase athletic performance.  Intrigued, I began to read the study.  

The panel of college basketball experts were: Billy Packer (CBS), Bill Raftery (CBS/ESPN), Dick Vitale (ESPN Deportes), Andy Katz (ESPNU), Luke Winn (CNN/SI), Jay Bilas (ESPN ACC), Bob Knight (Coaches' Union), John Wooden (Elder Statesmen), Jim Boheim (Syracuse-Should-Be-In Society), and Joe Lunardi (Self-Proclaimed Bracketologist).

The chimpanzees looked completely over matched in this contest. Then again, the chimps seemed to have a chance. 

Packer of course picked his ACC stalwarts to make the Final Four (Clemson, North Carolina, Duke, Miami). 

Winn, riding his Scrabble victory over Hasheem Thabeet, felt so confident that he picked Mount Saint Mary’s over North Carolina.  He had UConn making the Final Four over UCLA. 

The chimps quickly found out that if they picked the higher seeded team over the lower seeded team, they would be rewarded with a banana. 

Boheim tore up his bracket, still insisting Syracuse was snubbed.  He proceeded to burn a picture of the Villanova mascot. 

A hobbling Wooden, fresh out of the hospital picked UCLA to win it all.  Wooden did not even bother to finish filling out the rest of his bracket. 

Knight started an argument with Packer over whether the field should be expanded to include Texas Tech.  Knight threw a chair at Packer, Packer screeched saying something about the ACC.  

In the midst of the chaos, the chimps scratched their heads, ate their bananas and made their picks.

Katz, disgruntled about his gig with ESPNU decided to talk about how Syracuse has the best shot at winning the NIT Title.  Katz was ignored by the rest of panel.  His face turned completely red, as he clenched his fists looking at Bilas. 

Speaking of Bilas, Bilas began talking about how great he is.  He told Katz to check his Wikipedia page to see that he not only had a law degree from Duke University, but he was a four-year starter on the basketball team. 

When Vitale learned that HGH does not increase athletic performance, he was outraged.  He demanded another study, saying that he used HGH to repair his damaged vocal cords.  Vitale then uttered, “Diaper-Dandy” as he saw a picture of Michael Beasley on the wall.  

A shouting match ensued between Vitale and Raftery.  Not one of them uttered a normal phrase.  Raftery accused Vitale of “Nickle-Diming” him on their restaurant bill.  

Lunardi, well, he quietly observed the behavior of the chimps and how they decided to pick their brackets.  Lunardi would quickly look down at his calculator and punch in numbers, trying to figure out Mount Saint Mary’s RPI. 

In the end, the panel was stumped when they found out that the chimps had defeated everyone on the panel, with the exception of Lunardi.  Overwhelmingly, the chimps had defeated the panel of experts, much to their chagrin. 

Angered by the result, the entire panel stormed upon Lunardi, who crumpled his bracket up and stuffed it in his mouth.