A Hater's Guide to NFL Week 6: Why Your Team Is Bound to Lose
Why do people hate?
I mean, why can't we all just get along? We're really just one big happy family, except for that one guy. You know who I'm talking about—the one with the teeth. Yeah. The rest of us though, just one big happy family.
Jealousy has a lot to do with hate. No one takes potshots at Tom Brady without wondering what it would be like to be married to Gisele and be paid millions of dollars to throw a football around. It's easy to make fun of the "weird" Oakland Raiders fans in the black hole, but we'd love to have them on our side Sunday afternoons.
Sometimes, hatred is just good old hate—the irrational stuff that doesn't have any basis in reality. Trying to come up with a logical reason can drive a man insane.
What's that? Why do I hate?
Oh, well...I'm told that I hate your team because I secretly love other teams. I'm also told, regularly, that I hate certain players because I watch them play without team-colored glasses on. As we well know, any negative opinion about someone must be pure unmitigated hated.
I'm also not terribly fond of the way you smell. Seriously, let's do something about that. I'm not sure where it's coming from, but I'm relatively positive a doctor should look at it.
Why do I hate your team this week? Check it out...
Oakland Raiders at Atlanta Falcons
Having to answer a question like "why will the Raiders lose to the Falcons?" is one of the things I hate about my job. Honestly, it's like having to write a paragraph like "scientific proof the sun will rise tomorrow."
Only I also know that the scientific certainty of a Raiders loss will eventually be met by skeptics and denial in the comments section. That drives me; you drive me. You are the wind beneath my wings.
Your team sucks though.
Uh...maybe someone tells Matt Ryan it's a playoff game?
Cincinnati Bengals at Cleveland Browns
Recently, Taylor Mays told the media that he wants to be more imposing. Yes, the walking personal foul thinks he needs to step things up. The player who has injured as many teammates as opponents thinks he's going to improve things by playing more out of control.
The Bengals will be forced to forfeit when Mays kills someone with a battle axe. That is the only way this saga can end.
Having to answer a question like...what? I already used that joke? Oh crap. Let me see here.
*flips through Rolodex*
Pat Shurmur stinks...Brad Childress really stinks...Mike Holmgren looks like various sea life...Brandon Weeden is a soulless ginger...dated Drew Carey reference...
Oh, never mind. If the Browns aren't going to put forth the effort and at least try to prove me wrong every week, I'll just mail it in too:
Yo football team is so stupid, they think a quarterback is a refund!
St. Louis Rams at Miami Dolphins
St. Louis Rams
While sightseeing on his way to the game, Sam Bradford accidentally gets caught up with a group of kindergartners on a field trip in downtown Miami. Although he tries to explain to the teachers that he's actually a college graduate, they take one look at him and know he's full of it.
Eventually Bradford relents and climbs aboard the bus when he is promised a juice box.
Flying high off last week's win, the Dolphins are deflated when they run out of the tunnel to a crowd of approximately 12 people. "Where is everyone?" Ryan Tannehill asks. "Haven't they heard we won last week? Don't they know I'm the best Dolphins quarterback since Dan Marino?"
Hearing that they are at a Dolphins game and not a Promise Keepers rally, four people get up and leave.
So, that's how the Dolphins lose in front of their biggest home crowd in years.
Indianapolis Colts at New York Jets
The Colts get a pass on hatred this week. Do not fret—I will be back next week with all sorts of venom. Until then, #ChuckStrong.
New York Jets
The Jets are actually winning late in the fourth quarter when Tim Tebow overhears Andrew Luck scream, "Jeez, can't we complete a pass out here?!" Tebow kneels, and the heavens open...Colts win.
Detroit Lions at Philadelphia Eagles
Ndamukong Suh was accused of a hit and run this past week (h/t Pro Football Talk via Fox 2 in Detroit).
Don't really have any joke for that; it's just a fact. The Lions' best defensive player has three major driving offenses in a year and has been completely ineffective on the field when he isn't losing control and committing personal fouls.
Thirty-one other fanbases think that's hilarious.
The Eagles are up big until Michael Vick starts doing his best Oprah impersonation:
"You get an interception! YOU get an interception, and YOU get an interception! EVERYBODY GETS AN IN-TER-CEP-TION!!!!!"
Kansas City Chiefs at Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Kansas City Chiefs
Chiefs fans came under fire last week when they cheered following a Matt Cassel injury. Now, to be fair, many fans have claimed that they didn't know Cassel was severely injured and were only cheering because Brady Quinn would be entering the game.
Let's repeat that.
Fans—who want to win football games—were cheering...because BRADY QUINN was entering the game. Brady Quinn! Yes, the one from Notre Dame. Seriously.
Congrats, Chiefs fans—maybe you're not horrible people that cheer for injury. Maybe you're just idiots.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I have used this place to make fun of Greg Schiano the last couple of weeks, but I should probably leave him alone as he deals with his son getting kicked out of a high school football game and suspended because he cursed out a ref.
What are the odds on Lil' Schiano screaming, "Schiano rules!" after he cursed out the ref? Is this entire family mentally imbalanced, or are they just Cobra Kai?
Dallas Cowboys at Baltimore Ravens
Tony Romo drops back on the first play of the game and fires a perfectly placed pass to Dez Bryant. The ball careens off Bryant's hands, off two defenders, hits a bird and falls into the waiting hands of Ed Reed.
Reed runs toward the end zone as the dejected Cowboys simply walk off the field, leaving only Romo to chase Reed on his way to a pick-six.
Romo, of course, is blamed for all this, and Jerry Jones, fed up, walks down to the sidelines to immediately cut his starting quarterback.
After last week's offensive shortcomings, Cam Cameron decides to bench Ray Rice and install the new "Super Hurry-Up Offense." It's exactly like the old hurry-up, but Joe Flacco is force-fed 20 cans of Red Bull before the game.
At halftime, down by 20 and with Flacco experiencing heart palpitations, Cameron installs the "Super Duper Hurry-Up." This plan involves cutting Rice and having the center direct-snap 30 yards down the field to a defensive back.
Just trust Cameron—he's got this.
New England Patriots at Seattle Seahawks
New England Patriots
Bill Belichick is stopped at the airport when he refuses to re-pack and consolidate his extra carry-on. As the rest of the Patriots board the plane, they see their coach choking a petite gate attendant while screaming that he needs "every last damn hoodie" in his suitcase.
Josh McDaniels is left to coach the team on Sunday. The joke ends there because Josh McDaniels is really terrible...
After weeks of trying, Marshawn Lynch finally convinces Russell Wilson to try out "going Beast Mode." It works, and Wilson has the best game of his NFL career, finishing with 10 passes for 100 yards and about a dozen yards rushing.
The Seahawks still lose, of course, but at least Wilson gets some Skittles.
Buffalo Bills at Arizona Cardinals
Seeking to fix his defense, Chan Gailey convinces ownership to pay Mario Williams another $100 million, because throwing insane amounts of money at average players always works. Right, Ryan Fitzpatrick?
RIGHT, RYAN FITZPATRICK?!
Stop counting your money and listen to me! Some people...
Kevin Kolb goes out to take the first snap of the game and flinches when one of his offensive linemen pats him on the back. As flashbacks race through his head to last Thursday night, Kolb starts shaking and gets the flop-sweats.
Kolb lines up and looks over at Marcell Dareus and Mario Williams, and an audible squeak emits from what some believe was his mouth but was clearly his tightening sphincter.
Closing his eyes, Kolb takes the snap, chucks the ball wildly down the field and sprints full-speed back into the tunnel.
Although it was, clearly, the best pass Kolb has ever thrown, it is still intercepted by the Bills, who win this game easily.
New York Giants at San Francisco 49ers
New York Giants
Looking to double down on what got them to the Super Bowl last season, the Giants put 90 percent of their players on IR before the game and sign a bunch of defensive linemen to replace them.
Installing an innovative 40-3 defense, the Giants are repeatedly penalized for having too many men on the field before the refs simply give up and let it happen. They're just happy to be back from the lockout.
Although the Giants' new pass rush is effective, they continue to fail at covering anyone down the field, and Alex Smith racks up 500 yards passing.
San Francisco 49ers
After spending an entire week telling anyone who would listen that he is the NFL's best passer this season, Alex Smith throws an interception to start the game. The crowd starts chanting for David Carr, not realizing that he's now on the Giants.
Giving in, Jim Harbaugh walks over to the Giants sideline and demands Carr be allowed to temporarily play quarterback for the Niners. Tom Coughlin, snickering, "politely" agrees.
Minnesota Vikings at Washington Redskins
Is anyone else frightened that Christian Ponder is levitating in that picture? I mean, I wouldn't say anything, but with a name like "Christian," something is clearly up. Is he a character from Buffy the Vampire Slayer? I need answers!
Oh, I appear to have gotten sidetracked.
After being diagnosed with a "minor concussion," Robert Griffin III is cleared for this game and comes out to the roar of the crowd. Things go awry, however, when people realize he's wearing a Baylor jersey...and no pants.
Griffin calls the first play: "Ace 14, Z right, corn pops, zebra snacks, Jessica Simpson, hey what's that over there? Are you guys hungry? I'm hungry. Where am I? You look nice."
Sadly, the play looks like it's about to work until Trent Williams misses a block and RGIII goes down.
Green Bay Packers at Houston Texans
Green Bay Packers
After losing to the Colts, the Packers are convinced it is 2005 and list Brett Favre as their starter for Week 6. Favre, after asking how much money they plan to give him, agrees to the arrangement and (inspired by RGIII) shows up to the game without pants.
Favre's performance is widely praised by most of the media, and SI's Peter King calls it the most gutsy play he has ever seen.
Favre's stat line for the day? Just 3-of-22 passing with a touchdown, six interceptions and 12 failed pickup lines toward the Houston cheerleaders.
J.J. Watt arrives to the stadium and is told Aaron Rodgers is nowhere to be found.
Watt proceeds to tear Reliant apart brick by brick, and Houston SWAT is called in to "calm him down." Their methods are ineffective, however, as Watt sends all of their rubber bullets and tear-gas canisters careening back at them with thunderous swats of his big meaty paws.
Eventually, Rodgers is delivered to Watt, who climbs to the top of the largest building in Houston and is eventually shot down by old-timey biplanes.
Denver Broncos at San Diego Chargers
Driving to the stadium in his awesome voice-controlled Buick, Peyton Manning is jamming out to "Listen to Your Heart" by Roxette. (Note: Peyton Manning is a huge Roxette fan for the purposes of this joke.)
Taking the rock ballad's advice, Manning turns his car around (by using voice-activated GPS! The future!) and heads to the local branch of his bank. He is allowed to spend the afternoon making money angels in the vault.
San Diego Chargers
Seeing they have an AFC West opponent this week, the Chargers follow the unwritten rule of the AFC West and cancel practices, giving everyone the week off. They are surprised, however, when they show up to the stadium and hear that the Broncos have actually prepared for the matchup.
Michael Schottey is the NFL national lead writer for Bleacher Report and an award-winning member of the Pro Football Writers of America. Find more of his stuff alongside other great writers at "The Go Route."