Giving the Octagon Girls the Once-Over

In celebration of all the awe-inspiring knockouts from UFC's latest and greatest pay-per-view festivities this past weekend, we're introducing our loyal Bleacher Report readers with an inside look at the Octagon Girls.

These knockouts ring true, destined for bigger and better things besides long legs, bountiful breasts, silver blonde-hair streaks, and soft slender bodies. In reality, only one of them sports the dumb-blonde derogatory stereotype and she's been known to date Diego "nightmare" Sanchez. Trust us when we say, these women are far for the butt of male chauvinist pig jokes.

Despite being both attractive and popular amongst the UFC's prime demographic—males ages18-45, these fine business women find themselves living more than just the life of your typical swimsuit model.

Arianny Celeste, Edith Labelle, Rachelle Leah, Logan Stanton, and Ali Sonoma all serve as role models for thousands of aspiring young girls across the country and around the world.

The men in us know these women are way out of my league, but we respect them for their business savvy and glittering personality. They're shattering an glass ceiling Michelle Obama bestows, becoming much more than a mere object of burning desire. Proving to men like us—the unattainable will never be attainable...

Happy birthday Barbie.

We long worry when approaching women, wallow when a woman speaks to us, and wonder whether women perceive us unattractive and easily manipulative. We may not personally know either one of these women, but we do know women want more out of live than a one's own wont. But Barbie pays us more attention now then ever before, so we still ask ourselves the question: Why?

*The following slides depict a personal ad for dating an Octagon Girl, or women in general.*

Celeste's Queendom

Why does a homebody Sin CIty spinster ignore our relentless facebook-myspace-twitter messages and lame out-of-date one-liners?

We're requesting her and us to meat-up. We're funny and when she sees us we're sure she smiles. Don't worry we're not stalking her, we just visited her Web site, read her blog, and purchased her black market baby photos.

Working her way through the Fitness Management and Nutrition program at UNLV as a an actress and model in the never-ending entertainment industry, Miss Arianny Celeste's life drastically changed—all for the better.

Gone are the all-daynight body massages and mutual back scratches when would-be scholastic achievements sexed a back seat to paying the bills.

Celeste cashed in huge from her UFC casting call, becoming much more than just an original Octagon Girl.

Playboy Playmate Rachelle Leah

And so did Bay Area bombshell brunette Rachelle Leah, current host for UFC All Access on Spike TV, who turned her floundering modeling hobby into a prominent UFC ring-girl model role. Exposing her career to full-page nude photo spreads laid out in Hugh Hefnner's Playboy Magazine—earning well over six figures ta boo't.

Unfortunately for fight fans, Leah no longer works as an Octagon Girl but you can still expect to her see prancing around UFC fight cards. She remains an avid MMA-convert, loves the sport, and supports it's statewide sanctioning.

Je me souviens Edith Labelle

Listen up Edith Labelle...She's an animal inside the eight so we're sure she'll love our caveman tendencies and laid back American accent. We'll make her think, laugh, smile and cry all while sitting front-row watching an intense battle between Montreal, Quebec's native sons, Georges "rush" St.Pierre and Patrick "the predator" Cote.

We know she's not about to start an MMA career outside carrying numbered placards round an Octagon, so she'll be happy to hear we're retiring from fighting and focusing on our pitiful writing career. What might make her unhappy is our unpaid and rising mortgage debt, and bankrupted un-brokered real estate misdeeds.

We're complete phonies whose conversions consist of little more than "What's up?"and "How's the weather?" Good thing for us, we're adrenaline junkies psyched to hook up with a champion like Labelle.

Meat: The Girl Next Door

Debunking the myth that all bad-asses attract the girl next door, we'll pick her up at eight as usual. Listening for our horn, she'll saddle-up our Harley, and we'll ride her all the way to the bank.

Debuting at UFC 92: The Ultimate 2008, newest and gorgious-est Octagon GIrl Logan Stanton has become a fan-favorite for her stunning facial features, poignant posture round-the-ring presence..

Hailing from a small town in Florida known only as "Niceville," it's hard for us to say anything bad about her, but easy for us to shout about her plenty of gentlemanly compliments every time we see Stanton in real life, which never happens in Vegas and stays with us.

One thing we'd like her know is we're mild-mannered nature loving family guy ready to stir up all our creative juices. "Let's get it on"— the Marvin Gaye way.

Savor 'Survivor' Star Ali Sonoma

Like an aging fine wine, former UFC Octagon Girl Ali Sonoma hip-hoped her way from Hooters hottie, to trying passionate actress, to UFC spokesmodel, to reality T.V. star, reaching viral video status quo.

Go Google her, download her pictures and soon discover your computer infected with an uncontrollable ultra-virus.

We're at our wits end. Despite our promising personal ad for dating a UFC Octagon Girl, these women and most other women we know too, remain way out of our league. And if you're one of lucky bastards who married way out of your league (you know who you are), then well...some bastards, some ain't...

Damn you, Mr. President: Some things will never change? We need our wives gone doing whatever the hell they want to do, and our girlfriends home cooking our meals and raising our children. Wives and girlfriends need separation, and the Octagon Girls need the once-over.