Ohio State has a functional offense built to score points.
Some people like that. Others are confused by it. Everyone, though, is unfamiliar with it.
After the Buckeyes did unspeakable things to Nebraska's defense in a 63-38 victory Saturday night, there was a wide range of reactions from members of Buckeye Nation.
Those fans have spent the last decade watching Jim Tressel treat offense like it was a psychotic stalker just daring him to make the wrong move.
If taking one glance at some of the more conservative games called by Tressel (16-13 victory over San Diego State in '03 or the 20-2 victory over Akron in '07) doesn't totally destroy your desire to be a human being, then please continue reading.
What follows is a variety of guides to watching Ohio State's newly-productive offense.
For the Traditionalist
A lot has changed over the years, so use this guide to familiarize yourself with current trends!
Step 1: Stop listening to the game on the radio. We have these things called televisions now, and they're awesome.
Step 2: "Three yards and a cloud of dust" isn't a thing around Columbus anymore unless the current coaching staff is giving a lesson to some nerd recruit who enjoys ancient history. Don't reference that term, or you'll probably just confuse or anger a modern fan.
Step 3: Scoring points is a good thing in football nowadays. No one will accuse a coach of witchcraft if his team scores more than three touchdowns in a game. If Ohio State crosses over that last white line on the field, you're allowed to be excited.
Step 4: Stop eating porridge. This isn't the 1940's anymore.
For Those Who Don't Like Urban Meyer Running Up the Score
We know life has been tough for you, but here are some steps to help you identify your misdirected anger.
Step 1: Stop assuming that Urban Meyer has a beating heart in his chest, or a brain that gives even the remote of craps about what the other coach, team or fanbase is feeling. If there is time left on the clock, he will try to score a touchdown.
Step 2: Realize that Meyer doesn't do this just to be a jerk. He has a real problem—a disease called Offensingitis. The only cure for this is to coach his team to score as many points as possible. Denying him that would be like telling your friend you don't have any cough drops when he has a super bad cough even though you have like a whole bag of them in your medicine cabinet.
Step 3: Just chill out, man; you're being a huge downer. You're probably the guy who complains that the music is too loud at parties. No one likes that guy, so stop it.
For Nick Saban
We realize that "offense" to you is just 11 evil moving parts that you want to eliminate forever, but that's no way to live, man.
Step 1: Stop pretending you don't like the no-huddle offense because you're concerned about player safety. We all know that regardless of what offense you're facing, you're going to stop it. You just want teams to huddle up so you have more time to savor the sound of your defense sucking the oxygen out of their lunges. Quit being so transparent, Nick Saban.
Step 2: We also know that you think defense is art, but it's not the only art out there. Offense is art too. In fact, it's flashier art than the art you prefer. Defense is like the kind of art where someone paints a couple boxes and it's somehow brilliant. Offense is the stuff they paint on the ceiling of a famous chapel. Quit liking weird art, Nick Saban.
Step 3 (unrelated): Stop winning all the time. You're making college football more predictable than the end of a Scooby-Doo episode.
For Those Who Enjoy Offense
Congratulations; you are going to enjoy yourself quite a bit over the next few years.
Step 1: Continue being a normal person; you're doing such a great job right now!
Step 2: Repeat indefinitely. Buy yourself some ice cream; you've earned it.
For Any Additional Assistance
Please consult your physician or follow David on Twitter—he's always around to offer free support 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
Like the new article format? Send us feedback!