In this age of charities and bail-outs, with 10 NHL teams (St. Louis, Carolina, New York Islanders, Nashville, Columbus, Tampa Bay, Florida, Phoenix, Atlanta, New Jersey) facing dire financial problems, innovative ways have to be initiated in order to save the franchises from impending doom. 

There are some ways which have been proved tried and true and others that are exciting new concepts yet to test the waters. Some of these these innovations and concepts are only specific to a certain market while others are league-wide.

We can expect to see the following:

 

1.  NHL Memorial Candles

Inspired by the Catholic candles featuring Jesus, the Virgin Mary, and saints, the NHL has created its own line of candles for all 10 troubled franchises which will have pictures of players and team logos except in New Jersey. 

Said a New Jersey spokesman, "We are uncomfortable about selling a holy candle with a logo that has something to do with the Devil".  But other league spokesmen are optimistic. 

"Lighting one of these candles is like saying a prayer for your team's survival." Available at all league arenas and at retail stores throughout the United States and Canada.

 

2. NHL Lottery Tickets

Ten different tickets, one for each franchise. The draw for the prizes will occur at the end of the regular season. The money paid for the ticket will go to the franchise ticket that was chosen. Available at all NHL arenas.

 

3. NHL Swimsuit Calendars, Magazines, and Apparel

Ten gorgeous models will model swimwear featuring team colours and logos. The photos will then be shown in calendars and magazines. The swimwear will then be sold at the appropriate retail outlets. 

Said a spokesman, "We've got to get some babe action here." Calendars, magazines, and swimwear will also be available at all NHL arenas.

 

4. Wayne Gretzky Comeback

Specifically for Phoenix, Wayne will become player-coach for the Coyotes. For each goal and assist he gets, he will donate one dollar towards saving the franchise.

 

5. Daughters of the Veterans of the St. Louis Blues, New York Islanders, New Jersey Devils

The ladies (wives and other female relatives) of the veterans of the three oldest troubled franchises have formed organizations to raise funds. In St. Louis, quilts featuring the three Plager brothers are being created.

Jams and preserves will go on sale in New York and New Jersey. Other hand-knitted clothing and crafts are expected to go on sale. Available at the arenas of the three franchises.

 

6. Nashville Country Singers Charity CD

The Predators appealed to country singers like Garth Brooks, Dolly Parton, the Dixie Chicks, Clint Black etc. to help them out and the result is this stunning cd.  Available exclusively at all NHL arenas.

 

7. Long Island American Indian Land Claims

Inspired by successful native land claims in Canada, American Indians, have pressed their claims to a large patch of empty acres on Long Island.  If successful, in partnership with Charles Wang, they plan to build a new arena on the site for the Islanders.

 

8. Atlanta-Nashville Charity March

Remembering the stirring marches of Gandhi, and King, organizers are staging a march between between the two cities.  Funds will be raised by sponsoring walkers at a rate per mile.  Participants are expected to sing "We Shall Overcome".

 

9. Rock star between-period concert sets

Just like the Super Bowl half-time show, the NHL will attempt to attract fans by staging concert sets between each period.  The time between each period will now be extended to one half hour. 

Kicking off this concept will be local heroes, Bruce Springsteen in New Jersey who will sing "My Hometown", and a reunited Simon and Garfunkel in New York, singing "Bridge Over Troubled Water."

 

10. Carolina WWF

In a one-time attraction, Carolina will hold an afternoon hockey game followed by a WWF slamarama. Ticket holders for the game automatically get two events for the price of one.

 

11. "Sister" Franchise Games

Several years ago, the WHA staged games against touring Russian teams that counted in the standings. The NHL has got together with MLB in a new similar concept. For the rest of the year, games in the NHL will count for or against the local baseball team. 

It is hoped that this will increase NHL attendance by luring baseball fans to hockey games. 

For example, the New York Islanders have paired up with the Yankees and the Mets with the New Jersey Devils. Columbus which has no baseball team is doing negotiations with Cleveland and Cincinnati.  At these games, the hockey team will wear the baseball team's uniform.

 

12. Hamilton Rent-A-Team

Hamilton, the richest non-NHL market which has repeatedly been snubbed for an expansion franchise, will finally get to see NHL hockey. Each of the 10 money-losing franchises will play eight home games there with Phoenix (being in the worst shape) playing 10 games for a full 82 game schedule. 

Says Gary Bettman, "Attendance at these games will prove if Hamilton is worthy of a future NHL franchise." If the concept works, expect Hartford, Winnipeg, and Quebec to put in bids next year.

 

13.  Ridley Scott Simulation

The NHL has hired director Ridley Scott who successfully created the CGI images of a full 50,000 seat Roman Coliseum for the movie Gladiator. Scott will use CGI to put fans in the empty NHL arenas.

Says Gary Bettman,  "This is an exciting concept that could save all the franchises." The main difficulty is getting the new fans to pay real money when they enter the arena.

 

14.  NHL Disaster Movies

Speaking of movies, the NHL is funding several blockbusters to raise funds.  Part of the admission ticket will go to the troubled NHL teams.

The films are similar to the science fiction creature movies of the 1950's and the disaster movies like The Towering Inferno and The Poseidon Adventure of the 1970's.

In King Kong's Return, the giant ape will carry Anne Darrow to the top of the Nassau Coliseum. And in It Came To Play Hockey, a giant octopus will climb out of the water in either Miami or Tampa Bay (it hasn't been decided yet) and attack the arena.

And in the first combined Superman-Batman adventure, the two heroes will try to stop terrorists who are simultaneously trying to fly planes into the arenas of Columbus and Carolina.

 

15. Las Vegas Gambling

Vegas will bet on anything and the current craze is to bet which NHL franchise will fold or be relocated first. Portions of each bet will be donated to the franchise the money was wagered on.

 

16. Washroom Naming Rights

If arena names can be sponsored, why not parts inside the arena as well. The NHL is experimenting with renaming the washroom areas. American Standard and Tuffy Toilets are rumoured to be very interested in the idea.

 

17. Muhammad Ali Guest Appearances

Several years ago, the Toronto Argonauts of the CFL asked Muhammad Ali to appear at half-time in order to attract fans. This time Ali will make a tour of all 10 cities. If the concept works, expect tours from legends Jean Beliveau, Phil Esposito, and Marcel Dionne of hockey, Chuck Berry and Jerry Lee Lewis, Robert Redford, and baseball legend Yogi Berra.

Said the latter, "These franchises aren't over till their over."

 

18. Jim Balsillie Lottery Draft

This is one of two "if all else fails" ideas that have been reluctantly approved by Gary Bettman and the Board of Governors. If this is forced to come about, all ten franchises will be given lottery balls. As in the current NHL draft, the franchise in the worst shape will be given the most balls. 

When the draw takes place the ball that rolls out will be the NHL team that Balsillie is allowed to buy. He will then relocate the team in a city of Bettman's choosing.

 

19. English Soccer League Revamp

The other idea is to revamp the NHL on the English soccer league model.  All the money-losing franchises will form a "tier 2" minor league playing among themselves.  The idea is expected to run into heavy opposition from the player's association that will oppose any drop in status and salaries.

 

20. Obama-Harper Bail-out

Says an NHL spokesman, "If others can have money, why shouldn't we. We're employers, too. I mean what's more important, a bank or an automobile manufacturer or a hockey team?"