A Hater's Guide to NFL Week 5: Why Your Team Is Bound to Lose
You know what's really horrible?
Your favorite team.
Just accept it. There's no reason to deny it any more. It's Week 5 in the NFL, and all of your teams are utter crap. My team is too. There's no favoritism here. My hatred knows no bounds and hates everyone equally.
That fictional scenario above is what many people think anyway, so why not embrace it?
The following article is meant entirely in jest. However, the hatred behind it for all of your teams—and quite frankly, for your faces—is quite real.
Enjoy the article, and then have a terrible rest of your day.
Miami Dolphins at Cincinnati Bengals
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Shortly before kickoff, Jeff Ireland calls Brian Hartline into his office to inform him he's been traded to the New York Jets for a seventh-round pick and a kicking tee to be named later. Apparently, Ireland had heard rumors about an "offensive outburst" last week, and swift action needed to be taken.
Ryan Tannehill is forced to start the game at both quarterback and wide receiver. Sadly, miscommunication between Tannehill and himself leads to six interceptions.
Seeking to join the pantheon of elite Bengals wide receivers who pretend to know Spanish, A.J. Green changes his last name to "Diecateochinco."
Unable to pronounce that slaughtering of the Spanish language, Bengals color commentator Dave Lapham kneecaps the receiver at halftime. No. 18 plays anyway and rattles off 100 yards receiving on one good knee.
Lapham shouts obscenities for the entire fourth quarter.
Green Bay Packers at Indianapolis Colts
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Green Bay Packers
Seeing Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis before the game, Aaron Rodgers curls up into the fetal position for 60 straight minutes (pictured here). Somehow, the Packers' offensive line still manages to give up a sack.
After the game, Mike McCarthy laments to reporters that it would be so much easier to win football games if you just just handed the ball to a receiver rather than throwing it to him. Cedric Benson is overheard slamming his head against a locker.
As he heads out to pregame warmups, Andrew Luck sees Rodgers from a distance and spends the entire session debating whether or not to go over and ask for an autograph. Finally, mustering up the courage, he goes over and says, "Mr. Novak, it's a pleasure to meet you, big fan of The Office."
Six hundred passing yards later, the Packers cruise to a victory.
Baltimore Ravens at Kansas City Chiefs
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Sick of the constant pressure and holding calls, Joe Flacco finally convinces Ozzie Newsome to sign the actor who played Mike Oher in The Blind Side.
While the protection is better, the Ravens still lose despite being up 10 late in the game. Cam Cameron calls 10 straight passing plays, although it sounds conspicuously like he's just muttering to himself and doddering around the sideline.
To make matters worse, Ray Rice is insulted when he demands to be used more and Cameron sets his drink on Rice's helmet. Perfect height.
Kansas City Chiefs
Havoc breaks out in the Chiefs locker room when Dontari Poe notices an unattended plate of bacon sitting on the trainer's table. Unable to contain himself, he is halfway through when Romeo Crennel walks in.
What follows cannot be accurately described without poor English dubbing over bad Japanese acting.
Atlanta Falcons at Washington Redskins
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Midway through the first quarter, Michael Turner's legs literally fall away from his body mid-run. The dreaded 30-wall falls over on top of him as he begs for just one more carry.
Tony Gonzalez doesn't get what all the fuss is about, however, and folds up his walker before putting together a 10-reception game.
His effort is for naught, however, as Matt Ryan gets sacked a dozen times before finally realizing that Sam Baker is a figment of his imagination.
When asked to step up his play, Trent Williams decides to cut out the middle man and just start sacking Robert Griffin III himself. Unable to elude both Williams and John Abraham on every play, RGIII decides to show off his world-class hurdling skills, leaping over the middle of the line.
The last thing anyone sees as Akeem Dent hits RGIII is a brilliant flash of light. Then Griffin is no more.
Cleveland Browns at New York Giants
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After two stalled drives, Brandon Weeden finally reveals his deepest, darkest secret—he is not an "ambipasser." Physically unable to move on from his preconceived first read, Weeden has masked his condition for years.
This is an issue, of course, because Greg Little is often that first read. Little, as many know, is terrible. He doesn't just lower the bar; he straight-up drops it on the turf on every possible opportunity.
New York Giants
Eli Manning asks around before the game, and when convinced that this is neither the playoffs nor the Super Bowl, he throws 16 interceptions and slinks around like someone stole his chocolate milk.
Philadelphia Eagles at Pittsburgh Steelers
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Michael Vick turns the ball over a bunch of times and completely ruins a solid defensive effort by his teammates.
What's that, Eagles fans? Oh, you were expecting a joke? You don't think that's very funny? That's interesting...everyone else would think it's hilarious.
Called to action by Director Fury along with the rest of the Avengers, Norse god Brett Keisel is forced to miss this game. Robbed of their only capable lineman, the Steelers defense crumbles.
Seattle Seahawks at Carolina Panthers
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Pete Carroll is surprised to find ropes and attendants standing at the front of the tunnel as the Seahawks are ready to take the field. A last-minute policy change at Bank of America Stadium has mandated for safety reasons that everyone taking the field stand with their backs against a cartoon panther to see if they are tall enough.
Without Russell Wilson, the Seahawks are unable to score even their normal meager amount of points and lose 10-4.
So, apparently, someone looked at Cam Newton the wrong way Sunday morning, and he just up and left—towel over head, ball in hand and tears in eyes.
After explaining this to officials before the game, the Panthers are forced to forfeit. "You don't understand," Ron Rivera pleaded. "The rest of the team is still here, it's just Newton that left...oh, yeah, you're right. We do forfeit."
Chicago Bears at Jacksonville Jaguars
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Halfway through the second quarter, Jay Cutler sees what Blaine Gabbert has to put up with and immediately apologizes to his teammates and coaches. However, as sweet a moment as it is, it backfires. Unbeknownst to the Bears, Cutler's imaginary chip on his shoulder is akin to Samson's flowing hair, and Cutler's quarterback skills vanish.
Even though the Bears end up losing the game, Cutler and his linemen skip out of the stadium hand in hand.
The Jaguars fight valiantly until Julius Peppers decides he's had enough and walks right past three Jacksonville linemen and breaks Gabbert square in half. Peppers chucks a leg and Chad Henne, who crumbles like a sand castle, and walks off the field like the bad man he is.
Gene Smith is forced to alter his eight-year plan into a 15-year plan, and ownership doesn't seem to have any problem with that, giving him another pay raise and extension.
Tennessee Titans at Minnesota Vikings
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On his way to the airport, three unidentified men convince Kenny Britt to follow them out onto a boat on one of Minnesota's lovely lakes. With Britt safely aboard "The Love Boat II," the Vikings are free to focus on the rest of the Titans' offensive weapons and win in a rout.
Adrian Peterson finds Chris Johnson before the game and, confused, asks Johnson if the Titans really still pay him when he stinks so bad. Johnson enthusiastically explains that the Titans give him money regardless of how he plays! This concept, new to Peterson, intrigues the Vikings runner.
With money already in pocket and a desire to be able to walk later in life, Peterson puts forth the exact same amount of effort Johnson does each week, and the Vikings lose big before Peterson and Johnson laugh their way to the bank.
Denver Broncos at New England Patriots
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Things go haywire when Peyton Manning and Tom Brady duel, literally...like, with swords, at midfield for the first 20 minutes of the game. Although he is clearly superior, Brady wears Manning down and slays the aged warrior. With his foe vanquished, Brady puts a boot squarely on Manning's chest before Brady is escorted away by police.
Von Miller killed a guy with a trident.
New England Patriots
Flying high off last week's win, the Patriots see that the Broncos are next on the schedule and figure they don't have to practice or game-plan this week. Sadly, no one informs the Patriots that Tim Tebow is no longer on the Broncos, and Manning puts up 50.
Buffalo Bills at San Francisco 49ers
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After getting their butts kicked and handed to them last week, the Bills are forced to check their behinds as oversized luggage on the way to San Francisco. As airlines are wont to do, the derrieres are lost somewhere over Wisconsin in the...wait for it...dairy air. Get it?!?!
Joke fell flat? Oh...well...the Bills are really bad.
San Francisco 49ers
The last time the Niners looked unbeatable, they dropped a gigantic turd in the Metrodome on way to legitimizing Christian Ponder. Sadly for the 49ers, one look at the Bills' depth chart meant they would be preparing for the Giants game next week.
Alex Smith throws three interceptions in the loss, and Frank Gore doesn't even show up because he heard about a really great farmers' market, and coaches gave him the afternoon off.
San Diego Chargers at New Orleans Saints
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San Diego Chargers
Before the game, A.J. Smith attempts to trade his entire team to the Saints because, frankly, it will just make things simpler since they're all heading there anyway. In return, the Chargers just asked for all the players that the Saints didn't need. Sadly, this year, that list was very tiny.
Unable to field an adequate lineup, the Chargers forfeit. Ownership, unaware of any possibility that this might be Smith's fault—because nothing ever is—fires Norv Turner.
New Orleans Saints
Have you watched the Saints this season? Why waste our time here telling you what you already know?
Houston Texans at New York Jets
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Matt Schaub could have trouble passing against a defense with zero pass rush, no Darrelle Revis and a pair of useless safeties? No?
Arian Foster could suddenly contract a rare strain of polio, and his entire offensive line could forget how to block. Not plausible?
New York Jets
At halftime, with the Jets down 10 in a hard-fought game, Woody Johnson demands that Tim Tebow be inserted into the starting lineup. Fifteen straight two-yard gains later, the Jets lose by 25.
Meanwhile, the entire New York media slips into a coma due to what can only be explained as a mixture of genuine excitement, sexual tension and the truest spiritual belief ever experienced. As Tebow heals them, one by one, they devote their lives to him and completely forget that the Yankees are even in the playoffs.
Installed as Tebow's great high priest, Skip Bayless leaves ESPN.
Tebow gives up football but is asked to say a prayer before the coin toss of the 2013 Super Bowl, which the Texans win 20-13.
Michael Schottey is the NFL national lead writer for Bleacher Report and an award-winning member of the Pro Football Writers of America. Find more of his stuff alongside other great writers at "The Go Route."