Vanderbilt Commodores—Siena Saints. The Siena Saints are really Saint Bernard’s; cute and all, but cute doesn’t win in fights. If Siena were real Saints, I’d let them win this one.
Wisconsin Badgers—Cal St. Fullerton Titans. The Titans are pretty much crazy enough to beat any other mascot, save a Sun Devil (oops; NIT!) or Blue Devil.
Georgetown Hoyas—UMBC Retrievers. It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there and the pit bulls of Georgetown would definitely tear up the gentle, obedient golden retrievers.
Other Midwest Matchups
Portland State Vikings empower Kansas Jayhawks
Clemson Tigers outp—ounce Villanova Wildcats
UNLV Running Rebels chase away Kent State Golden Eagles
USC Trojans set up toy horse and destroy Kansas State Wildcats inside out
Gonzaga Bulldogs fall to vicious Davidson Wildcats, it’s raining cats and dogs!
Indiana Hoosiers—Arkansas Razorbacks. First and foremost, a definition of each mascot for those who are unfamiliar: Hoosier (n): any awkward, unsophisticated person, frontiersmen, hillbilly. Razorback (n): a wild or semi wild hog with a ridge like back, common in the southern U.S. Honestly, I think in this match up, both mascots lose.
George Mason Patriots—Notre Dame Fighting Irish. Now, GMU doesn’t have a Patriot as a mascot; they have Gunston, the goofy green fuzzy Sesame Street reject who lacks any comparison to any Muppet or Pokemon. The Fighting Irish definitely take this fight hands down (or hands curled in, reality).
Tennessee Volunteers—American Eagles. As much as the pride of the country should always pull through, I feel that because Tennessee is so willing to step up and do the right thing (i.e., volunteering), they win by the spirit, adrenaline rush, and feeling good about giving unto others.
Louisville Cardinals—Boise State Broncos. Louisville wins completely. Tell me with a serious face that you wouldn’t be terror struck if that cartoon cardinal came swarming down at you. Still aren’t satisfied? The Cardinal pokes the eyes out of the Bronco. Game Over.
Other Matchups in the East:
North Carolina Tar Heels (but really the Rams) stampede the Coppin St. Eagles (or Mt. St. Mary’s Mounts)
Wash St. Cougars claw apart the Winthrop Eagles
South Alabama Jaguars rip the Butler Bulldogs
Cornell Big Red-Stanford Cardinal. Well we could use our second grade chemistry lesson here; which is a more fierce colorbig red or the cardinal shade of red? Let’s make it easy and take the Cornell bears, who easily claw up the goofy dancing Stanford tree. (Oregon State Beavers might have some luck with this logic too).
Miami Hurricanes—St. Mary’s Gaels. St. Mary’s will definitely not be in Miami anymore! Maybe we’ll see you in Scotland in the highlands after the natural disaster is done with you. Hold tight to those bagpipes.
Austin Peay Governors—Texas Longhorns. The Governors can use all sorts of rules, laws, regulations, policies, and legislatures (not to mention political scams, bureaucracies and conspiracies) to lock up the Texas Longhorns for good. Let’s hope this doesn’t really happen.
Michigan State Spartans—Temple Owls. The Owls may be wise and all-knowing, but knowledge isn’t enough when it comes to battling the experienced Spartans.
Other Matchups in the South
Mississippi St. Bulldogs bark up a storm over Oregon Ducks
Pittsburgh Panthers claw up Oral Roberts Golden Eagles
Marquette Golden Eagles fall to Kentucky Wildcats
Texas-Arlington Mavericks round up Memphis Tigers
Drake Bulldogs—Western Kentucky Hilltoppers. Bulldogs win this; even the UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs would win this one. Just because you sit on a hill and have no other descriptors as a mascot, it’s an automatic loss.
UConn Huskies-San Diego Toreros. The Toreros (bullfighters) bring their Spanish pizzazz and expertise in bullfighting to the ring, where the Huskies can’t keep up.
West Virginia Mountaineers-Arizona Wildcats. Mountaineers provide a good fight in this match up, but the Wildcats manage to win by using the element of surprise.
Other West Matchups
Miss. Valley State Devils send the UCLA Bruins below; Duke Blue Devils spear Belmont Bruins (and why not just use the word ‘bear?’)
Baylor Bears steam up the Purdue Boilermakers
BYU Cougars ravage the Texas A&M Aggies
Xavier Musketeers shoot the Georgia Bulldogs and after Michael Vick, these bulldogs probably welcome this quick and painless fight.