2009 NFL Draft: A True "Mock" Draft

ryan lalalaContributor IMarch 6, 2009

Mock drafts are pointless.

Although fun, they often times are venues for egotistical super fans to play God and tell you they know exactly what each NFL team will do on a day still more than a month away.

Well, now it’s my turn.

1. Detroit Lions Matt Millen, LB (Penn State): After all Millen took away from the Lions over the years, it’s about time he gave a little back, don’t you think? The Lions need help all across the board after an 0-16 season, and Millen should be their guy.

He has the size and strength to force out any safety...I mean linebacker he drafted during his regime.

Perhaps Millen’s biggest strength is his ability to fit the Lions' new system under new head coach Jim Schwartz, a welcomed change from no one fitting in Millen’s for eight years.

2. St. Louis Rams: Mark McGwire, OL (BALCO University) McGuire will add size and strength to the Rams offensive line. Rams fans will also love the leadership McGwire will bring to the team, which will include among other things, “HGH Movie Nights,” and “Pin the Needle On My Butt.”

3. Kansas City Chiefs: Aaron Corp, QB (USC): After adding Matt “All I did for 3 years was build a” Cassel, the Chiefs will probably figure they need even more depth at the position and will draft Corp, another USC back-up sure to never see the light of day.

4. Seattle Seahawks : Michael Hoomanawanui, TE (Illinois): After signing the NFL’s most over-hyped free-agent, wide receiver T.J Houshmandzadeh, the Seahawks will use this pick to further bolster their offense.

Hoomanawanui will bring a long last name and financial relief to the Seahawks, who will make both he and Houshmandzadeh share a single  jersey: Houshmandzadeh-Hoowanamuni.

The only downside could be T.J.blaming the extra letters on his jersey for his decreased production, therefore making everyone think he is just a good No. 2 receiver.

5. Cleveland Browns: A Dump truck full of Hamburgers, DL (McDonalds): The Browns are primed to lose a talented player in DL Sean Rodgers.

After saying he wants out of the Cleveland after only one season, the Browns hope this selection will help him to change his mind and stay for another year.

6. Cincinnati Bengals: Anyone willing to play for them, ANY POSITION (Any School)


7. Oakland Raiders: (Trade their first round pick and 10 boxes of windbreakers to the Bengals for Anyone willing to play for them, and an actual Bengal who Al Davis thought was fast in the 40).

Bengals select Al Davis, WR (Hell): Realizing they have needs all across the board, this was a great trade for the Bengals. Davis is an athlete and will start somewhere for the Bengals this season.

Also, the Bengals, realizing they have now drafted the NFL’s first zombie, know Davis will play for them until the apocalypse, during which time the Devil will come back for him and Keith Richards.

The team will also use the windbreakers to clothe the entire offense, which will be on the bench most of the game.

8. Jacksonville Jaguars: Chuck, the local Jacksonville D.A.R.E. officer: After seeing wide receiver Matt Jones arrested for cocaine possession last season, and with the recent arrest of Reggie Williams, this selection should be an easy for the Jags.

Chuck will allow the team to hold weekly drug education nights and nightly homework exercises in the D.AR.E. handbook will keep the team’s troublemakers off the roughneck streets of Jacksonville.

9. Green Bay Packers: A big piece of Swiss Cheese, DL (Wisconsin): Cheeseheads can rejoice with this selection. The Packers defense had more holes than Swiss cheese last season, so I believe putting a real piece of cheese on the defensive line makes more sense.

At least then DT Justin Harrell will have something to munch on during the game.

10. San Francisco 49ers: Tim Lincecum, QB (San Francisco Giants) : After years of Tim Rattay, Alex Smith, and Sean Hill, the 49ers are lucky enough to see Lincecum still on the board.

Lincecum, who can throw a baseball almost 100 miles per hour, will bring superior arm strength to the 49ers. Along with throwing slant routes at the speed of sound, Lincecum’s will continue to enhance his reputation as the only player on either the 49ers or Giants that anyone should give a damn about.

11. Buffalo Bills: Paul Assaiante, (Trinity College): Despite having lots of talent on the field last season, the Bills were very inconsistent, which came back to hurt them in the end. Although this is a huge reach, adding Assainte will almost guarantee the Bills will be more consistent.

As head squash coach at Trinity college, his teams won 11 consecutive national titles, and have won 202 straight matches.

Those numbers even make a team like 2007 Patriots look bad.

12. Denver Broncos: Tomoji Tanabe DE, (India University): After signing Brian Dawkins (35), Andra Davis (31) and Correll Buckhalter (30 and 2 knee surgeries) the Broncos will decide to add a huge veteran presence to the defense with the addition of Tanabe, who at 111 years old, is the world’s oldest living person.

Tanabe, along with Dawkins and Davis, will be a one-down player for the Broncos All of them will take the other three downs to plot how they can improve the Denver defense.

13. Washington Redskins: U.S. Treasury, OL (Liberty): After signing DeAngelo Hall and Albert Haynesworth to huge contracts this offseason, owner Daniel Snyder has no room left to sign anyone, not even a hot dog vendor.

By drafting the U.S. Treasury, Snyder can ensure himself the financial stability to sign more free agent busts for years to come.

14. New Orleans Saints: Stretch Armstrong, Toy (North Pole): Drafting the long limbed Armstorng would give an immediate boost to the Saints horrible secondary. Although he has not seen much action since the 1990s, his enormous wing span will ensure someone will be contesting a pass in the Saints secondary in 2009.

15. Houston Texans: A Roadmap, (American University): By selecting a road map here, the Texans may finally find their way to the playoffs.

16. San Diego Chargers: Norv Turner’s Hair, CB (The Scalp): Although many would consider this a reach at this point in the draft, I think the Chargers will shock everyone with this selection.

Although struggling at times in coverage last season, transition from NFL hairmat to cover corner has to look better than a Norv Turner post-game press conference.

17. New York Jets: Roger Clemens, QB (Texas): After trading for Brett Favre last season, the Jets would love to have Roger Clemens falls to them at No. 16, considering their love for over the hill Hall-of-Famers.

Once considered a top-five selection, questions of steroids, infidelity, and doucheyness have dropped Clemens down the board.

Clemens could mentor the Jets quarterback of the future Kellen Clemens, instructing him on football skills and also how to smooth talk pre-teen country music stars.

Clemens has told any team that is thinking of selecting him he plans to retire immediately and return during Week 15 of the season. He could also fall lower than this, considering his contract demands are said to be in the $100 million per game range.

18. Chicago Bears: Grizzly Adams, OL (The Woods): After all his success with Bears, why not add Adams to the mix. He might even distract people from the teams awful quarterback play for another season.

19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Naming rights from the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, (no college): A year after seeing the Rays make a surprising run to the World Series, I’m convinced Tampa’s front office knows that the only way they can make a run at a Super Bowl is to get a little bit of the Rays' mojo.

Or a quarterback.  It’s their call.

20. Detroit Lions: Trade pick to the Eagles for one win in 2009: After winning zero games in 2008, I think the Lions will look to trade this pick for a win in 2009, which may be the only way they get one.

The Eagles, who’s recent off-season moves suggest they don’t care much about their 2009 wins, should be glad to make this trade, and give them three first-round selections.

21. Philadelphia Eagles: Trade picks to  New England for first-round pick in 3089: Since the Eagles have traded out of the first round each of the last two seasons, there is good reason to think they will do it again in 2009.

Andy Reid, who believes in only drafting offensive and defensive lineman with his selections, won’t need to use this pick here. Reid can instead begin stockpiling picks to contend for the Super Bowl in the next century.

New England: Michael Crabtree, WR (Texas Tech): Since the Patriots have turned the NFL into their own little whipping boy in previous years, they have done it by making great selections in the draft.

Being one of few teams to make solid choices in recent drafts, they will not let a great player like Crabtree slide any further.

Crabtree becomes the first real selection in my mock draft.

22. Minnesota Vikings: An actual Viking, MLB (Newfoundland): After being spurned by every wide receiver known to man, the Vikings would be wise to turn to the defensive side of the ball with this pick.

Picking an actual Viking will give the team added toughness and their first player to eat raw meat.

The only drawback to selecting an actual Viking would be his lust for adventure and inability to learn the playbook well.

23. New England Patriots: Norm Abram from "This Old House", OLB (Massachusetts): Tiring of taking athletes and turning them into stars, Bill Belichick has a perfect opportunity here to select Abram, everyone’s favorite carpenter.

Abram will add determination, and will immediately be popular in the locker room, replacing everyone’s chairs and lockers with immaculate wooden gems.


24. Atlanta Falcons: Scruff McGruff , DOG (Chicago Ill., 60652): After the release of Mike “Douchebag” Vick back into normal society, the Falcons will send another message to the NFL.

With the selection of McGruff, the team will get size and speed at the wide receiver position, and will also bring ticket sales up for the second consecutive season with the addition of his own fan section, “The PETA Pit.”

25. Miami Dolphins: Tony Soprano, OT (Newark Community College): Looking to add some overall toughness to the team, I think this would be a good pick for the Dolphins.

Soprano would give the Dolphins a big tackle who is not afraid to get down and dirty.

Also, put him alongside coach Tony Soprano and the marketing just takes care of itself.

26. Baltimore Ravens Aaron Love, WR (Delaware): After getting to the AFC championship game last season with University of Delaware alum Joe Flacco, why not give him a receiver he is used to throwing to.

Love may be vastly undersized, but how could I say no to the best player on the Hens roster this season?

If he did not have Robbie “I throw the football like a shot put” Scheonhoft sucking all season, his numbers would have moved him up the board even more.

Go Delaware!


27. Indianapolis Colts: A big box of tissues, (Scott College): Despite having one of the league's best quarterbacks, and one that one a Super Bowl just three seasons ago, Colts fans continue to be upset with Peyton Manning.

By drafting a box of tissues, Colts management can hand one out to each idiotic Colts fan who says Manning is not a good quarterback.

28. Philadelphia Eagles: Eagles President/CEO Jo Banner, P (Denison University): Rumor has it Banner will draft himself, and then sign the richest contract in Eagles' history.

29. New York Giants: Sean Avery, Idiot (New York Rangers): Adding the pimp-tastic Avery will give the Giants an adequate replacement to Plaxico "Turn the Safety On" Burress.

Although Avery will bring toughness to the Giants, his off-the-field issues could prove to be a distraction.

Especially when he catches Eli Manning with his "sloppy seconds".

30. Tennessee Titans: A Bottle of Jack Daniels (Tennessee University): The Titans front office may want to invest in the state’s finest liquor now before they realize they have 13 key players eligible for free agency next season.

Coupled with the loss of Albert Haynesworth, the Titans would be advised to invest in a lot of Mr. Daniels and his magic potion.

31. Arizona Cardinals: A checkbook, (TD Bank): The Cardinals do not have very many needs after last year’s successful run to the Super Bowl, so they are in position to take the best player available.

In this case, I have them taking a checkbook. Although not a player, a checkbook is the Cardinals biggest need.

The team will then be glad it brought Kurt Warner and Bertrand Berry back, as both were instrumental in their playoff success last season.


32. Pittsburgh Steelers: Local area Jeweler (No college): Since the Steelers are in the habit of winning more Super Bowls than pretty much any one else in the NFL, investing in a good jeweler to help design and service their rings would be a good pick here.


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