2009 NFL Draft: A True "Mock" Draft

Mock drafts are pointless.

Although fun, they often times are venues for egotistical super fans to play God and tell you they know exactly what each NFL team will do on a day still more than a month away.

Well, now it’s my turn.

1. Detroit Lions Matt Millen, LB (Penn State): After all Millen took away from the Lions over the years, it’s about time he gave a little back, don’t you think? The Lions need help all across the board after an 0-16 season, and Millen should be their guy.

He has the size and strength to force out any safety...I mean linebacker he drafted during his regime.

Perhaps Millen’s biggest strength is his ability to fit the Lions' new system under new head coach Jim Schwartz, a welcomed change from no one fitting in Millen’s for eight years.

2. St. Louis Rams: Mark McGwire, OL (BALCO University) McGuire will add size and strength to the Rams offensive line. Rams fans will also love the leadership McGwire will bring to the team, which will include among other things, “HGH Movie Nights,” and “Pin the Needle On My Butt.”

3. Kansas City Chiefs: Aaron Corp, QB (USC): After adding Matt “All I did for 3 years was build a” Cassel, the Chiefs will probably figure they need even more depth at the position and will draft Corp, another USC back-up sure to never see the light of day.

4. Seattle Seahawks : Michael Hoomanawanui, TE (Illinois): After signing the NFL’s most over-hyped free-agent, wide receiver T.J Houshmandzadeh, the Seahawks will use this pick to further bolster their offense.

Hoomanawanui will bring a long last name and financial relief to the Seahawks, who will make both he and Houshmandzadeh share a single  jersey: Houshmandzadeh-Hoowanamuni.

The only downside could be T.J.blaming the extra letters on his jersey for his decreased production, therefore making everyone think he is just a good No. 2 receiver.

5. Cleveland Browns: A Dump truck full of Hamburgers, DL (McDonalds): The Browns are primed to lose a talented player in DL Sean Rodgers.

After saying he wants out of the Cleveland after only one season, the Browns hope this selection will help him to change his mind and stay for another year.

6. Cincinnati Bengals: Anyone willing to play for them, ANY POSITION (Any School)

7. Oakland Raiders: (Trade their first round pick and 10 boxes of windbreakers to the Bengals for Anyone willing to play for them, and an actual Bengal who Al Davis thought was fast in the 40).

Bengals select Al Davis, WR (Hell): Realizing they have needs all across the board, this was a great trade for the Bengals. Davis is an athlete and will start somewhere for the Bengals this season.

Also, the Bengals, realizing they have now drafted the NFL’s first zombie, know Davis will play for them until the apocalypse, during which time the Devil will come back for him and Keith Richards.

The team will also use the windbreakers to clothe the entire offense, which will be on the bench most of the game.

8. Jacksonville Jaguars: Chuck, the local Jacksonville D.A.R.E. officer: After seeing wide receiver Matt Jones arrested for cocaine possession last season, and with the recent arrest of Reggie Williams, this selection should be an easy for the Jags.

Chuck will allow the team to hold weekly drug education nights and nightly homework exercises in the D.AR.E. handbook will keep the team’s troublemakers off the roughneck streets of Jacksonville.

9. Green Bay Packers: A big piece of Swiss Cheese, DL (Wisconsin):

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