Bailout, Stimulus, and Economic Recovery: The Sports Version

Given that our Treasury Secretary is out of ideas for how to magically erase trillions of dollars in toxic financial assets, it's time that we bring fresh blood into this bailout.

The world of Sports has rarely turned its back on the everyday American or created a wedge between themselves and those who support them... so they are the perfect candidate to fix America.

This slideshow carefully lays out seven potential candidates to fix our Economy, and gives an overview of their approach and why they would be the best candidate.

Hopefully these sports leaders will prove more successful than their counterparts on Wall Street or in Washington.

George Steinbrenner: "Spend, Spend, Spend!"

More government spending.

More private sector spending.

More spending on schools, infrastructure, birdcages for congressional offices, and gourmet lunches in elementary schools.

If it exists, spend money on it.

The Boss has found, time and time again, that if you just spend money on a problem, then that problem will be solved. Sure, sometimes you only get *some* success, like an AL Championship or .550 winning percentage. But heck, who wouldn't take *some* success when it comes to curbing unemployment right now?

Gary Bettman: "Contraction Time for Our Weakest States"

Well, Bettman has not endorsed contraction yet — but many NHL onlookers are saying that it has to happen.

So why can't America do the same thing?

Much of the mortgage crisis is concentrated in a few unfortunate states, such as Arizona. If we're already getting rid of the financially strapped Phoenix Coyotes, then can we also just do away with Phoenix...?

All citizens of Arizona or Nevada would be welcomed back into financially healthier states. They could also be dual citizens of the United States and the "Great Nation of Arizona."

The inland portion of California could also secede from the rest of the state, which in turn would secede from America — a country within a country within a country. Take that, Swaziland!

Mark Cuban: "Blame the Regulators"

Mark Cuban hates referees because they don't do their jobs right.

Well, which referees have ever let us down more than the guys who were supposed to regulate Wall Street?

If Mark Cuban were running America, he would immediately fire every regulator in the SEC, Fed, Treasury Department, and anyone else who wears the stripes for this nation's financial system.

Sure, that means that half of Obama's team would have to be given an untimely pink slip — Geithner was amongst the most powerful financial regulators during the bubble — but Cuban doesn't mind hard decisions.

Pat Riley: "Wait Until Things Improve... Then Take Over"

Who can forget the story of the Heat?

Riley more or less gave up on the team he was coaching, so he brought in Van Gundy to turn things around...

... and turn them around he did.

So how did Pat respond? He forced him out and took the team back, ultimately leading them to a championship.

If Pat were in charge, he'd kick back his heels until the nation's banks inevitably became a little healthier and corporate earnings went from heinous to... well... less-heinous.

Then he'd step in, ride the Dow back to the top, and declare victory.

Billy Beane: "Let's Get the Nerds to Figure It Out"

Numbers worked great for Billy Beane.

There wasn't a statistician in the sport of baseball who Beane did not turn to, and the results seemed to work for a while in Oakland, until the team fell off a cliff.

So if he were going to save the economy, Beane would turn to the world's best statisticians, many of whom work in...

... hedge funds!

These Excel geniuses will run so many regressions that there is no mathematical way that it will take any less than forty seven minutes to determine how best to save the economy with 90% probability in a period of no more than six months and no less than forty eight days.

Jed York: "It Can't Get Any Worse, So Now Can I Try?"

Do you consider yourself fortunate because you still have a job?

Well, you are not as lucky as Jed York. He is inheriting a job as head of a storied football franchise in the midst of a Depression... and he didn't even have to earn it.

But all of us 49er fans have the same reaction...

... hell, why not? Things can't get any worse.

Jed York has as good a shot as anybody when it comes to fixing our economy, and given that his predecessor set a new low, he will come out of this no worse than he entered.

A-Rod: "Give Wall Street a Break, They Were Young and Naive"

Who cares about the consequences of this so-called Depression?

It's time to move on.

The champagne-sipping millionaire bankers who cashed out on the rest of America and are living it up in Upper East Side penthouses with government-backed strippers were young and naive back then. They had no idea what they were doing.

In fact, if you don't feel sympathy for the Wall Street traders who regrettably swindled us out of millions, then you kind of don't have a soul.