NFL Replacement Referee Application (Please Forward to Commissioner Goodell)

Rob ShaefferContributor IISeptember 18, 2012

I want to be part of this club, Roger
I want to be part of this club, RogerJamie Squire/Getty Images

Commissioner Goodell,

I am writing in regards to the open replacement referee position I found posted on Craigslist. From my observations of several NFL games this year, I believe that I would be a fantastic candidate for the job.

As a communication major (minor in public relations and advertising), I believe I could relate to players at a high level. My background in customer service will assist me in finding common ground with the athletes. What qualifies as a personal foul and what doesn’t? Was that really holding, or should I let it slide?

Communication is a two-way street, and I will absolutely let players have their say and influence my decision-making. In fact, that goes for the fans as well, who I believe are the lifeblood of the National Football League. Their boos and cheers will provide an excellent instant barometer for my performance. I will quickly adjust to the feedback as necessary. I think a realistic goal would be to earn half boos and half cheers on every play from the fans and to have coaches on the sideline pissed off on one play and elated on the next.

As an avid fantasy football player, I will have a vested interest in each game I officiate. You can count on me to be engaged at all times, Mr. Goodell. In my money league, I don’t have a single team with multiple fantasy players, so I’m pretty flexible as far as where you’d like to send me. There may be occasions where I make a special request to keep an eye on a competitor’s players and see what I can do to slow them down, though! (That’s a joke! I wouldn’t do that!)

OK, so I just said I’ll go where you send me, but please keep in mind that I am a rabid Eagles fan. Obviously, I’ll keep my vintage 1989 game-worn kelly green Randall Cunningham jersey underneath my zebra stripes on game day, but it would be a DREAM COME TRUE to be ON THE FIELD to watch Michael Vick, DeSean Jackson, Shady and the gang light up the scoreboard.

Mr. Goodell, I want you to know that I’m man enough to admit I’m not always right. When I’m wrong, however, I’ll make the wrong right! Whether it’s on the next play or after a 25-minute discussion with my fellow officials, I will be certain to make the playing field an even one for both teams. I pledge to do my best to follow the rules of the game that, honestly, I’m not going to have memorized in a couple weeks! (I hope you appreciate my honesty.)

Let me close by saying that I’ve essentially prepared my whole life for this opportunity. I’ve played Tecmo Super Bowl and Madden (both the ’99 and ’03 versions). I’ve refereed recreational sports in college, including floor hockey, which gets really intense. I have an Emmitt Smith and a Barry Sanders rookie card. I’ve watched EVERY Super Bowl commercial and most of every game for each of the last five years.

I’ve attached my resume, and should you have any questions for me at all, please do not hesitate to ask. Thanks so much for your time, Commissioner, and I look forward to hearing from you!


Replacement Ref Rob (R3)