Toronto's Biggest Problem
Here they are Toronto; these people are your biggest problem. One sees them everywhere. In Tim Horton’s. On the streets. On television. In the bars. Everywhere in Toronto. They have taken hold of your city and refuse to let it go. Like zombies.
It does not matter that Toronto has a sparkling new Opera House.
It does not matter that Toronto’s mass transit system is laughably awful.
It does not matter how the city fails under incompetent leaders.
There is no talking to them. All conversations consist of two words: “WOO!” and “LEAFS!”
Generations of failure have actually retarded mental growth in a great portion of Toronto’s population. These are Leaf fans. Some of these hardcore Zombies only know loss. Some of their children, mercilessly indoctrinated into their culture of defeat, have never seen their team in the playoffs. Let that sink in. Never. They have only heard that the Leafs are great. But they have never seen it!
Every time the Maple Leafs play, regardless of how badly they are doing, Leaf Zombies fill the building. One cannot go anywhere in Toronto without getting trapped into a conversation with a Zombie. Although some are knowledgeable, most are not. Again, conversations are, “LEAFS! WOO!”
When the Leafs win, Zombies plan a parade route. When they lose, profanities are unleashed that make “Scarface” look like “Dora the Explorer.” These Zombies, a great majority of them anyway, have literally been bred to accept the losing ways of Toronto, and evil men do what they can to keep it that way.
They show the Zombies that all sports teams are bad. If no other teams win, then the Leafs are doing great, right? They make them pay lots of money to see terrible teams play terrible games, and make them think that this is a privilege. Don Cherry roots for the Leafs, so that must be good. Rob Ford is running for mayor, so that must be good, too.
This is a sad and terrible problem for Toronto. Eventually, like a zombie apocalypse movie, your beautiful city will be over-run by mindless automatons. If the first step of solving a problem is recognizing there is one, then Toronto must recognize the issue within their own population.
Toronto, the Leaf Zombies roam your streets right now. You must rise up against them. The next time you see a Zombie in a Leafs jersey with one of those stupid blue wigs, try to knock it off their head with a stick.
Sadly Toronto, why you lose so much is now because you lose so much. It is unclear what the solution is, besides a major boycott of your sports teams, and an exile of the Leaf Zombies.
Good luck with that.