LeBron James X Sneakers on Sale September 29th

The LeBron X basketball shoes go on sale on September 29th. Fortunately for LeBron James, he is no longer in high school, so he can afford the $270 sneakers. For that price, the buyer gets a Sport Kit of Nike+ technology featuring motion sensors, an adapter and charger.

These figurative bells and whistles in the shoe’s sole allow the wearer to gauge numerous statistics, such as hustle, vertical leap and other facts and figures that are ultimately meaningless unless you were not born with a certain degree of innate athleticism.

Those people who already own the Sport Kit can buy pair LeBron X shoes for $200. They can also buy food for a month. The technology-free version of LeBron X will sell for $180. But don’t worry, even the cheap version features an invisible target on the buyer should he be caught in the wrong neighborhood after sunset.

Here’s how the LeBron X works: While you’re playing, the embedded technology will gather information with your every move. After you’re done, download said statistics to your iPhone (sold separately) and see how you did. Soon, you’ll be saying things like, “Sure, I was 2-of-13 shooting with seven turnovers, but according to Nike+, I had a 331 quickness mark! Wait, is that good or bad?”

For the one out of every six of you living in poverty who can’t afford these shoes and want to know how well you played, you'll just have to determine your hustle by how many 50/50 balls you get to and measure your quickness relative to the opposition. If you want to figure out how high you move, pick up a yard stick. You can also rely on other factors, like whether the other players want you on their team and pass you the ball.

Keep in mind, too, that if you are secure in who you are and would rather not spend all that money to impress other members of the same gender, there are other, lower-priced basketball shoes that provide similar support and comfort without further elevating the individual over the team.