Sometimes a man just needs his own space. A place where Honey Boo Boo's voice is never heard. A place where the Lifetime Network is perma-banned. Where you can fart in peace, a wonderful place where women only appear when bearing beer or sandwiches.
We call this place the man cave, or at least we do for the few months you get it to yourself before your wife or girlfriend re-purposes it as a scrapbooking room or a guest bedroom or something lame.
These are just 10 ways to give your special space a little MMA flavor. Are you ready? Are you ready? Let's get it on—the perfect MMA man cave is just 10 clicks away.
Listen, drinking is an essential part of having a man cave. If you're a tee-totaler, O'Doul's will do in a pinch.
Or drink cola. Whatever. I'm not your life coach.
The important thing is doing it in style—and what better way to imbibe than these official UFC beer mugs? Not only is it "UFC" themed, you actually grab onto a muscly arm. That's sure to be wonderfully creepy.
This is no time to consider little things like "class" and "good taste." Your significant other can worry about that for the foyer or the sitting room, or whatever you have at your estate.
This is place for crass. For loud. For a little obnoxious.
Let's face facts—unless you still live in your childhood bedroom or in a dorm or something, there's no way the people in your life would ever allow you a Fathead.
But for a man cave? What better way to proclaim your love for your favorite fighter than a life-sized sticker?
And if he crushes your feelings by refusing a fight or doing the Kalib Starnes? Just draw a Hitler mustache on that puppy.
Not into the whole "working out" thing? That's cool. Not everyone is an Adonis like I am.
That doesn't mean you don't need MMA related workout gear in your man cave. The truth is, if you don't work out, you need some sick looking gear twice as badly. How else can you convince people you are a dangerous, dangerous man.
The best part about this Cage Fitness home kit, besides being a great work out, is that you can both toss it over your head Dan Severn style and practice a little Fedor-esque ground and pound.
After a long day at the job, there's nothing quite like hitting something. Hard. A man cave is the place to do it.
My friend Matt Roth called this custom Octagon Bar "the most white trash thing ever." Since he's from New Jersey, I'll yield to his considerable expertise.
White trash. Awesome. Why can't a thing be both. I say build your own white trash Octagon bar and get trashed on Natty Ice. This is a man cave, not a sewing circle.
You're going to need a place to sit at the bar. Why not a UFC themed bar stool?
How to take this to an even more special level of specialness?
Contract Don Frye to make four appearances.
"I'm waiting for Beer to approach me to do a commercial. I'll do it for free Beer! It's the least I can do."
At some point we all have to accept the fact that MMA is a little bit homo-erotic. It has all of the half naked men of your typical professional wrestling show, without any of the enormous fake breasts wrestling trots out every 30 minutes or so to help remind us that we're ostensibly straight.
If you are gay, please skip this item. If not, you might consider an Arianny Celeste standup. Some of the flesh you stare at all day in your cave should be of the female variety, am I right?
I can hear you already, griping as always.
"Jonathan, toys are for kids. I'm a grown man, dog. A grown man. I don't buy toys."
Okay. I concede that point. Luckily, Round 5 doesn't make toys. They make collectibles.
That they sell in toy stores.
Never mind. These are must-haves. Round 5 has all of your favorite fighters, even the obscure guy from that one season of TUF you liked. Collect them all!
Most people stop hanging posters on their walls when they grow up. At a certain point, a Scarface poster is less a statement about your love of violence and more a "sex stopper."
Posters on the wall indicate eternal adolesence. Eternal adolesence means a light checking account. Light checking account means "ladyless loser."
Those rules, luckily, don't apply to the man cave. So add a poster or three. If you've got the scratch, get a vintage Pride poster to show just how hardcore your fandom is.
You can also add a personal touch to this idea. Including a handful of pictures with you and your favorite fighter really makes the man cave feel like home. Don't have a picture of you with your favorite fighter? Photoshop friendo!
Really want to go all out? Really have a lot of space?
You have to answer yes to both of those questions before considering your own cage. But how awesome would it be? You and your buddy have a disagreement? You know how to settle it!
A small cage is about 20 feet in length, but typically you can construct a half cage and still have room for a bean bag or something.
Is this idea completely untenable?
That doesn't mean it isn't awesome.
When you have friends over to watch the fights, you're going to need to impress them with your intricate grasp of MMA history and factoids. Luckily there are dozens of books out there to make you smarter. Some of them are even on tape for the functionally illiterate!
Make sure you blow up the cover of your own books to hang with pride. You all have your own books, right?