Putting on the Foil: The Hansons, Funniest Sports Characters Ever

Billy RayCorrespondent IMarch 2, 2009

While there have been numerous funny moments in sports movies, I would have to say the debut of the Hanson brothers in the classic Paul Newman hockey flick, Slapshot, is my all time favorite.


Out of all the outrageous fictitious characters on film, these guys stand out from the rest. For all you sports fans out there too young to have seen this movie, it is definitely worth the watch.


From the time we first see them as they are attacking a soda vending machine until the all-out brawl on the ice in the championship game, they are a non-stop riot. Everything about the Hanson brothers is enough to cause one to rush to the store for a case of adult sized diapers.


I’m talking lose control of your bodily functions funny.


Toys packed in suitcases for road trips. Knuckles wrapped in tin foil under their hockey gloves. Climbing into the stands to attack heckling fans and not caring if they are pummeling the right person. They cheap shot every opposing player that comes within range on the ice or on the bench.


Even the organ player in the arena was not safe from these goons.


Who among us can’t recall watching Slapshot and then using a hockey stick to bash a friend over the head? Or ordering a pizza with our one phone call from jail the first time we were arrested for assault with a deadly weapon?


Don’t we all remember the beautiful female fans and the wild parties in the hotels that went on all night after our road games?


I know I’ll never forget the time a player from the other team looked at me so I hit him in the face without any warning and started a bench clearing melee before the game began. These are just a few of the great memories Ihave from the third grade. Oh, good times. I owe them all to the Hansons.


This is not to diminish the other hilarious sports characters portrayed over the years. Bob Uecker as Harry Doyle (juuust a bit outside) in Major League. Adam Sandler as Bobby Boucher (look who’s on TV, Mama… it’s the devil) in The Waterboy.


Will Ferrell as Ricky Bobby (let me just quote the late, great Colonel Sanders, who said… “I’m too drunk to taste this chicken”) and John C. Reilly as Cal Naughton, Jr. (I like to think of Jesus, like, with giant eagle’s wings, and singin’ lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with, like, an angel band and I’m in the front row and I’m hammered drunk) in Talladega Nights.


These are just a few who stand out off the top of my head.


But if you are looking for the funniest, most outrageous fictional sports characters, there are two words you can say that are sure to send a stream of whatever liquid I’m drinking shooting out of my nose and into your face. The Hansons. That’s all you have to say.


The Hanson brothers are icons of the sports world, bigger than life. They are as American as hockey and Doritos. Dare I say it? Without the Hanson’s, there would be no America.


My point is the Hanson’s helped shape who I am as a person. They are responsible for the man I am today. So what if I am writing this from a maximum security facility, serving 30-to-life? The judge may have called it attempted murder but I say I was just being an American.


And really, wouldn’t we all be better off if we all lived by the golden rule: Do unto others as the Hanson’s would do unto you.



P.S.  If there are any competent defense attorneys out there reading this, I could really use some good legal advice. And no matter what my previous attorney and his proctologist may tell you, he slipped and fell on that hockey stick. It was a million to one shot.


*Bleacher Report Disclaimer – Bleacher Report strongly discourages anybody from making contact of any kind with this psycho. It is a matter of court record that he threatened to turn his attorney into a popsicle before the hockey stick incident.*