Oakland Raiders 2012 Results: Why Bother Waiting for the Games?
With the regular season now less than two weeks away, Fantasy Football fanatics all across this pigskin-crazed nation will settle into their recliners and study strength of schedules, performance on turf and average yards per carry on Thursday night games played outdoors in inclement weather. Countless hours are spent predicting the outcomes of individual player performance in order to assemble this year’s winning team in the Lower Middleburough Over 40 Fantasy Football League!
And with that spirit of divination in mind we launch into a look the 2012 Oakland Raider season. Using our keen insight and uncanny predictive abilities we have accurately predicted the outcome of every game. How can we be so sure, you ask? Easy we say! We have taken the glasses of Jimmy the Greek, a petrified hair from the well-coifed head of Mel Kiper Jr., Adam Schefter’s toe nail and some stray saliva taken from John Madden’s microphone to create a potion granting the recipient the power of prediction. Granted, it tasted horrible but I think the results were well worth it!
Opening Night – Monday, September 10th vs. San Diego Chargers
As the Indian Summer begins in the East Bay, the late Monday night game kicks off to a packed house at the O.Co. The Raiders win the toss and defer to the second half. On the third play of the game, Tommy Kelly splits the gap and envelops Phillip Rivers.
He eats him.
Play is stopped briefly as defensive captain Richard Seymour performs the Heimlich on Kelly. It’s a sign of things to come as the Raider defense keeps Rivers running all night and the suspect receiving corps for the Chargers struggle to find free space to operate. It’s a late night but worth the effort. Raiders 27-17.
Sunday, September 16th at Miami Dolphins
It’s a balmy 87 degrees at Sun Life/Land Shark/Pro-Player/Joe Robbie stadium with 106% humidity. The Dolphins elect to make the Raiders wear black. As Joe Barksdale runs through the tunnel for player introductions he spontaneously bursts into flames.
Luckily, the humidity immediately puts him out but the damage has been done. Ryan Tannehill strategically places wife Lauren behind the Raider sideline. The bench, coaching staff and the ghost of George “Run-Run” Jones miss the first quarter as they can’t stop staring and the Raiders fall behind early.
They spend the afternoon riding the heat-resistant shoulders of Darren McFadden, but it’s not enough as they leave Miami Beach with an even record of 1-1 after a 17-14 loss.
Sunday, September 23rd vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
As we journey back in time to see the two titans of 70’s football square off in a blue collar bowl, we can’t help but feel a little nostalgic for the characters of yesteryear. The Tuz, the Stork, The Steel Curtain, Swan, Branch, The Snake and Franco. This, unfortunately, is not the 1970’s.
Carson Palmer decides to channel his inner Bengal and shock the black and gold. Palmer looks poised, strong armed and even slightly mobile as he puts up gaudy numbers for the first time all season.
Ben Roesthlisberger manages to evade 45 sacks (how does he do that!?) but comes up short on a last minute drive. The Raiders pick up a big early season win, 28-21, to move to 2-1.
Sunday, September 30th at Denver Broncos
Okay admit it, you’ve been waiting for this.
The Broncos stole a division championship last year. They somehow convinced Peyton Manning that “Rocky Top” was really about the Rocky Mountains. They can’t really be good again right? Elvis Dumervil is like 4’8" playing defensive end. They lost their defensive coordinator who surely must know everything about the team (and is conveniently wearing a silver and black polo shirt on the sideline). Right? Right? Hello?
The game is not pretty, as Manning audibles an average of 13 times per play and Rolando McClain decides to take a nap in the 3rd quarter. Literally.
The Broncos put up a 24-10 victory dropping the Raiders to 2-2 as they head into the early bye week.
Sunday, October 14th at Atlanta
There’s no way Oakland flies 3,000 miles to the home of more gentlemen’s clubs per capita than any other major US city and comes away with a victory right?
But, the new Raider regime is smarter than the average bear. Reggie McKenzie hires Paris Hilton’s bodyguards to tie Sebastian Janikowski to his bed to keep him out of the city and the move pays off.
D-Mac runs for 150 yards on the turf and Dennis Allen uses the bye week to finally force Greg Knapp to put in the Terrelle Pryor, who busts a 45 yard TD run.
A well rested Janikowski lines up for a 57 yarder as time expires to give Oakland a 24-21 victory and a 3-2 record.
Sunday, October 21st vs Jacksonville Jaguars
A beautiful day in Oakland marks the triumphant return of East Bay native and De La Salle graduate Maurice Jones-Drew.
The bad news for the Jags is that he’s still holding out and watching the game from the Black Hole wearing spiked shoulder pads and frothing at the mouth. Blaine Gabbert is better than last year, which is a little like saying Snooki is a little less orange than last year. You haven’t exactly set the bar high.
Jacksonville can’t stop anyone, the Raiders go up big in the 4th quarter and are on cruise control. McFadden trips on his way to grab a Gatorade and strains a ligament in his foot no physician has ever even heard of before. Coach Allen, in his post game news conference says D-Mac is “week to week”. Somewhere Hue Jackson giggles like a school girl.
Raiders win the battle 34-10 to move to 4-2, but darkness sets across Raiderland.
Sunday, October 28th at Kansas City
Taiwan Jones runs right on the game’s first play for 73 yards down to the KC 2. Mike Goodson comes in to punch the ball in. Jones fumbles and stares at his hands like Featherstone in “Necessary Roughness” for a full five minutes.
Teammates console him on the sideline. Later in the second quarter he’s put back in the game as a decoy. Brandon Meyers hauls in a 15 yard reception and as he turns to run up field, Goodson strips the ball from him for another fumble.
Defensive Coordinator Jason Tarver asks Coach Allen if he can move Goodson to defensive back as he “has a real nose for the ball”.
Raiders lose 21-10 at Arrowhead and Allen duct tapes a football to Goodson’s hands for the flight home. He fumbles before he gets on the plane.
Sunday, November 4th vs Tampa Bay
It’s Warren Sapp bobblehead give-away day.
Sapp is depicted in a Miami Hurricane jersey with his mouth open and his wallet empty. Tampa limps into town looking to get healthy against the Raiders, but Oakland looks at their schedule and realizes this might be their best chance for a win in a month and tightens on their chin strap.
Vincent Jackson still lights up the Coliseum because, well, he likes it that way.
It’s still not enough as the Raiders hold on for a 24-21 victory. McFadden is still listed as day-to-day. Oakland moves to 5-3.
Sunday, November 11th at Baltimore Ravens
The Raiders continue to statistically improve their defense. The Ravens continue to be an actual defense.
Carson Palmer once again channels his inner Bengal, but this time for the power of evil and throws 3 picks. Taiwan Jones tries to deke Ray Lewis and ends up looking like Ray Nitschke in the Longest Yard after Burt rifles him south of the border. Mike Goodson doesn’t fumble as his teammates have taped him to the bench. The Raiders ask Zack Crockett and Tyrone Wheatley if they have a few more carries left in them.
After watching the Raiders lose 21-3 they decline the comeback offer. The Raiders are 5-4, but the good news is that McFadden is really, really close to returning.
Sunday, November 18th vs New Orleans
Frankly, "Bounty-gate" or not, the Saints are just too much for Oakland.
Drew Brees throws for 349 yards by halftime, Jimmy Graham spends most of the second quarter doing chin ups on the goal post and New Orleans takes out their anger out on San Francisco on the wrong side of the Bay as they dismantle Oakland 35-7.
Brees declines a shower after the game saying that he really just didn’t get that sweaty. Raiders are back to .500 at 5-5.
McFadden is seen in a walking boot trading rehab techniques with Jacoby Ford.
Sunday, November 25th at Cincinnati Bengals
Good news for the Raiders! British Special Forces sees Andy Dalton taking a post-Thanksgiving walk and mistakes him for Prince Harry. They gag him and throw him on a plane for England!
AJ Green is lost without his security blanket! Mike Brown calls Reggie McKenzie to inquire about the availability of Carson Palmer. “Two number ones and he’s all yours.” Brown declines.
Carson is booed unmercifully, but stays stoic and carves up his old mates like the turkey. Tommy Kelly is hiding in his jersey (just a snack for later). John Madden sends Carson a Tur-duck-en from Pleasanton and Carson flashes a one finger salute to the crowd as he walks off the field resplendent in a 27-14 win.
Raiders move to 6-5.
Sunday, December 2nd vs Cleveland Browns
The Raiders continue to catch lucky breaks as rookie Brandon Weeden announces his retirement from the game right before kick-off. “I’m 29 now, it’s time to start thinking about the future. These last 12 weeks have been amazing but you can’t keep playing forever!”.
Good news Raider fans—McFadden is this close to coming back and Mike Goodson had a fumble-free afternoon…playing for the Ottawa Roughriders.
Raiders 7-5 and feeling frisky!
Thursday, December 6th vs Denver Broncos
There is nothing quite so fun as playing Peyton Manning on four days of prep time.
Fortunately, Peyton Manning has been out since week 6 and today marks the return of Darren McFadden. Doctors determined he hadn’t actually hurt anything, but they were just being extra cautious.
McFadden looks spry and well rested as he runs for 175 yards and two touchdowns. Caleb Hanie is really growing into this starting job as the Broncos faithful long for the heady days of Jay Cutler. John Elway frowns so hard he almost covers all his teeth. Almost.
The Raiders celebrate their return to Prime Time with a 23-13 win and an 8-5 record! Finally the team looks poised to finish better than .500.
Sunday, December 16th vs Kansas City Chiefs
Carson Palmer wakes up in the middle of the night Saturday sweating with visions of Kansas City DB’s gorging on pick-6’s. He sighs with relief.
"It's only a dream," he says.
As he gets to the stadium, he’s shocked to learn McFadden has sprained his right big toe putting his cleat on and is a last-minute sit. The only person more upset than Carson is Stephen Wisniewski who had D-Mac in his Fantasy league. Palmer is so unsettled he throws two interceptions in his first two possessions, both returned for touchdowns.
Matt Leinart refuses to enter the game and Kyle Boller is no where to be found, giving way to the Terrelle Pryor era in Oakland.
Pryor dodges sacks with the elusiveness of Ken Stabler, shrugs off tackles like Bo Jackson and throws on the run like Donald Hollas. Raider quarterbacks combine for 5 interceptions. The Chiefs return 3 of them and win 28-10 to send the Raiders to 8-6.
No problem, I’m sure McFadden will be back next week. After all, it’s only a toe, right? Cue Hue Jackson maniacal laugh track.
Sunday, December 23rd at Carolina Panthers
The Raiders just can’t resist the Pryor/Newton match up and decide to start Terrelle.
Somewhere Al Davis is smiling. So is the Panther’s defense.
Cam Newton runs for 142 yards, throws for 395 and tells his offensive linemen to take the 4th quarter off because he has a few moves to work on.
The only saving grace is that as he’s tackled by Phillip Wheeler late in the game his jersey tears, revealing a red “S” on his chest explaining pretty much everything.
The Raiders limp to a 34-17 defeat. But really, 8-7 still seems like a decent record and McFadden vows to play the season finale.
Sunday, December 30th at San Diego Chargers
TV cameras catch McFadden being wheeled into the stadium in a full body cast. “Precautionary measures” is all coach Allen will say.
Tommy Kelly gets to Rivers early and tries to eat him again, but Antonio Gates saves his quarterback by shoving Ron Bartell into Kelly’s gullet. Rivers takes advantage of the Raider’s weakened secondary and throws for 387 yards, all side arm off his back foot.
LaDainian Tomlinson stages a 1 game come back to score a TD rushing, receiving, throwing and returning a kick. He never gets hit once.
The Raiders lose 35-14 to finish 8-8 for the third straight year, but on the bright side Darren McFadden figures out he’s been wearing Jacoby Ford’s shoe inserts and swears next year will be different.
Now that you have this information in hand you hardly need to worry about catching the games, freeing you up for hours of house work each Sunday. In retrospect this may have been a flawed plan!