THE SLAM DOUCHE CONTEST
What was that? Can anyone answer the Boob? What the hell was that? A four-foot midget jumping over an eight-foot man by shoving off his back and only getting to do that because he launched off another one the round before. (What’s next a trampoline?) And they did this while one wore a leprechaun outfit, the other wore a skin-tight leotard top with a red cape. Dominique and MJ never did anything like that. They simply slammed that shit home. The only thing separated this exhibition from Mexican wrestling was the masks.
Were the dunks impressive? Of course, they were. Those guys were leaping out of the building, but it was much of the same old, same old but with costumes. The Boob doesn’t need showmanship. That needs to be left to the WWF, er, WWE.
As Rudy Fernandez sat on the bench realizing that busting out with a jersey honoring the memory of a ground-breaking individual didn’t compare to the power of pop culture references, the most exciting part of the evening took place off the b-ball court with the announcement by King James that he will be participating in the 2010 Slam Dunk. This quickly became bittersweet. Of course, the announcement was sweet that arguably the best player in the world would participate in next year’s dunk contest. But then quite bitter, when it was realized that he would be participating in next year’s dunk contest. If he has to have a wardrobe change to win, it’s going to be much more bitter.
Now back to the contest itself. When the rim was raised to twelve feet with the chickenheads screaming, “He CAN’T do it! He just CAN’T!”, Dwight Howard then put it down like the Boob use to on his Nerf rim in his childhood bedroom. Then it smacked the Boob in the face like a pair of double D’s. This is exactly what the league should do for the future contests. Raise the rim. Raise the difficultly level. Imagine it now: Lebron leaps from the free throw line and dunks on an eleven-foot rim with Howard countering by throwing down a tomahawk jam on a thirteen-foot goal. Now that would be something to see and then debate. With every year, these men become bigger, faster, and stronger, so it should only be natural for the game to evolve along with it to push the limits of their ability.
But the dunks of today will never compare to the Natural Dunks of the Boob’s youth. Like anything young, it was fresh and new. Now it’s old and tired. Much like the Boob.
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