Everyone loves lists. And everyone loves the Boob. So for your enjoyment, the Boob will grace everyone with his Top 10 Things that will occur over the next few months while awaiting the return of America’s favorite sport: football.
10. Wimbeldon Finals (But Only If It’s Federer vs. Nadal & Sharapova vs. Ivanovic
Last year, Federer and Nadal held the court and demonstrated why tennis can be a great sport. A Sharapova vs. Ivanovic match-up would display why tennis is a great sport to watch.
9. Kentucky Derby
The ponies. Gambling degeneration. Big giant hats on over-botoxed golddiggers. ‘Nuff said.
8. The Masters on Sunday and Only if Tiger Is In Contention
The greatest athlete of our time, playing arguably the greatest course ever. And there’s never a reason not to watch greatness.
7. The Boob’s B-Day
The biggest holiday of the year! But to be a bit humble, last year’s party wasn’t as strong as years past. That’s why it slipped from No. 1 to No. 7. Last year, the Boob woke up naked, caked with some unknown bodily fluid on the Strip in Vegas—the party was held in Tulsa.
6. NFL Draft
The only televised taste of professional ball until July. No, watching the NFL Network doesn’t count.
5. St. Patrick’s Day
The second biggest holiday of the year! But to be a bit honest, last year’s wasn’t as debaucherous as years past. That’s why it slipped from No. 2 to No. 5. Last year, the Boob came out of a stupor, hanging upside down, naked, from a trapeze smelling like week old tuna—the Boob had a burger for dinner.
4. March Madness Opening Weekend
The Boob’s annual Vegas trip to drink and hang with the fellas, all the while chasing Thursday losses from some No. 12 seed upset over a No. 5.
3. Fourth of July Weekend
The third biggest holiday of the year! But to be a bit honest, last year’s was ten thousand times better than years past. That’s why it went from being unranked to No. 3. Last year, the Boob was resuscitated back to life after a near-drowning incident while margarita wrestling two half-naked beer models in South Bay—the Boob stopped breathing in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.
2. Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue
The only reading material on the list that the Boob has no plans on actually reading. I hear Playboy sales are down. They should try releasing a single issue a year and maybe they could compete, except the SI issue offers one thing Playboy doesn’t: diversity.
1. Time to catch up on porn.
Nothing more needs to be said, because that’s a private matter.
Like the Boob always says, “Don’t be a Sports Douche!”