Today, as the exploration continues into whether football needs kickers, the Boob will kickoff by assessing, well, kickoffs. Arguably, there’s nothing more exciting in football than the opening kickoff. It’s that moment in time when hope springs eternal, when the old saying “Any Given Sunday” still rings true, unless you are the Detroit Lions.
But this elation would be there no matter how the game began. This occurs in all sports whether it’s the first pitch, the tip off, even the face off. While these work for their sports, part of the sensation in football is the chance for someone to immediately take it to the house.
Where would the Bears be if it wasn’t for Devin Hester and their special teams? They’d be out of the playoff picture in Week Three instead of Week 13. So how do we keep the integrity of the return without having someone kick off?
Now, when the Boob was just an A cup and not the outstanding double-D he is today, he played his fair share of pick-up football. Guess what? There wasn’t a kicker in the bunch. The Boob and Friends were there to play offense and defense, not kickoff and return. So how, you may ask, did a return occur without someone who could kick? Well, someone on both sides was designated thrower.
Yes, that’s right, the Boob is suggesting that “kick” be replaced with “throw.”
Football is about being fair and matching 11 men against 11 men. So on a kickoff, if 10 hats get on 10 hats, that leaves 1 player left to make a play on the Returner. Right now, it’s an unfair match-up for a kicker to make a play on someone like Devin Hester or Darren Sproles.
Instead, imagine having a designated thrower like Michael Vick, an athlete (and I’m sure he’ll be looking for a job in 2 to 5 years) launching the ball 80 yards, then attempting to make a play on the Returner if he breaks through the line. That, in a very simple word, would be AWESOME!
Obviously, kickoff returns for touchdowns would diminish, but not be extinct. However, with them becoming a rarer sight, the awe factor would increase exponentially. It would comparable to basketball’s made half-court shot at the buzzer. Now who doesn’t love that?!
Finally, if there is no kick, then it cannot be a kickoff. It must be deemed a tossoff. On second thought, it needs to be throwoff, since tossoff sounds like something the Boob likes to do at the end of a long hard day, or every morning in the shower.
Up next, punters suck. Until then, don’t be a sports douche.