In the Boob’s sports travels through the years, the Boob has tried to stay very open minded to all comers. (Anyone willing to buy the Boob a frosty brew can be the Boob’s best friend.)
But not all the travels have been pleasant. From time to time, arguments flare up about who should be ranked where (damn you, BCS) or about the greatest dynasty (everyone knows it’s the ‘90s Bulls). These sport solar flare-ups only occur with a certain type of sports fan:
THE SPORTS DOUCHE!!!
No one wants to be this guy. No one thinks he is this guy. Below is a list of items to keep you from becoming a Sports Douche, or if you fit into any of these criteria, then you need to quit being a Sports Douche.
If you are above the age of 18 or in special cases, once you’ve graduated from college, retire the jersey, don’t use eye black, and lose the sweatbands. The coach is not going to call you down from the stands to replace the QB who just blew out his Achilles. (See below for the only exception.)
Again, if you are a college graduate or above the age of 21, lose the face and body paint. That crap is for kids and carnivals. (Once again, see below for the only exception.)
If you wallop your opponent, win with a sense of class. Don’t spew obscenities, launch your empty beer cup, or spit on opposing teams and/or fans. Or it could lead to this.
If you get walloped, lose with a sense of dignity. Don’t spew obscenities, launch your empty beer cup nor spit on opposing teams and/or fans. Or it could lead to this.
Do not purposefully buy tickets in the opposing team's sections just so you can make sure someone with an opposing viewpoint hears you.
Do not wear anything that has your team’s logo, emblem, mascot, or team name, but uses another, especially a rival’s, colors.
Do not wear anything that looks like it has been bedazzled. (This should be a standard for any guy, whether he is a sports fan or not.)
Do not refer to yourself in the third person. Well, this is a voluntary rule—so says the Boob!
With these few small rules, you will not only provide yourself with a much better sports experience, but you will also not be a SPORTS DOUCHE.