Yesterday, I received an email from the Pittsburgh Pirates.
To specify, this is nothing unusual. I receive many emails from them on a weekly basis.
I didn't bother to read it at first, I simply thought it would be a game summary from the Buccos' 8-2 blowout victory over the World Champion Philadelphia Phillies.
The thought brought a smile to my face. Donnie Veal, the Rule Five draft pick from the Cubs, had earned his first victory in the black and gold.
However, that would not be the case. It was an email from the Pirates Marketing division, entitled "The Top 10 Reasons to Buy Season Tickets in 2009".
"Excuse me? Did I read that right?"
Yes I did.
So, I instantly became interested as to why the Pirates thought I should spend $399 (great benefits for as low as...!) for season tickets.
Because the players and coaches are excited for the 2009 season, and I should be too.
"Reason No. 10: You get to attend exclusive events, like Field Days, Batting Practice and Player Meet & Greets!"
Well, that does sound pleasant. I don't even have a clue what Field Days are. Are they describing one of the 90-plus days the team decides to take a game off?
Batting practice is fun. That is, if you're an eight year old or a guy who has no life. Watching my Pirates take batting practice is impressive as a kicker from Idaho State pumping iron at the NFL Combine.
I suppose "Meet & Greets" are like one of those awkward family reunions. "Hi, Mr. McLouth, I don't really know you—but I can sure pretend!"
"Reason No. 9: You get the Best Seats and the Best Games! Sit in the best seats for Opening Day, the Cleveland Indians series, and Skyblast nights to name a few!"
I don't know what they consider the "Best Seats" but I'd say those are the $9 seats down the third-base line where you get a phenomenal view of the city. But that's just me.
I'm not even sure what to say if they consider the 81-81 Cleveland Indians the marquee season series. I think I'd rather see my Buccos beat up on the Kansas City Royals at the end of June.
Woohoo! Who doesn't love blowing things up? Apparently Pirates' fans especially do, because the Friday night Skyblast fireworks display is a major selling point!
"Reason No. 8: Raise the Jolly Roger! Watch Matt Capps come in from the Bullpen and Close out the game in style!"
I'd be thrilled to bring out the Skull and Crossbones for Matthew Dicus Capps, but how many opportunities does he get? Five in a season? Capps only rung up 13 saves in the confines of PNC Park last season.
Close out the game in style? You mean have the 'pen blow the game in style? Sorry, but I don't hear "Enter Sandman" playing when John Grabow comes in.
"Reason No. 7: You have ticket flexibility! You can resell your tickets for games you cannot attend on StubHub!"
Well, I'm thrilled I have that option. In case I just don't want to go see the Buccos lose a 15th-consecutive game to an American League team with quadruple our payroll, I have StubHub!
Although I'm pretty sure you can go to StubHub for high school basketball games now.
"Reason No. 6: Forget your worries! Come out and take in the green grass, the warm sun, great food and some Pirates baseball!"
Yes, what a way to unwind after a long day at the office. If I want to relax and kick back, I'll pack a cooler and head out to the community park to watch some little leaguers play. Hey, it's free too!
Plus, there's nothing like great food, especially when it costs double the admission.
"Reason No. 5: Watch 'em Grow! See the continued development of home grown talent like Paul Maholm, Ryan Doumit and Nate McLouth live at PNC Park!"
Oh lord, for a half a second they were talking about Miracle Grow Potting Soil. My bad. Yes, it's amazing to see guys like that. They are terrific magicians, those home grown talents.
One minute you see them, next minute they're in a Red Sox uniform. Miraculous! Eh, marketing, you should have called this one, "Enjoy 'em while you can!"
"Reason No. 4: Invest in your business! Pirate games are a great place to entertain clients, prospects and employees!"
These just keep getting better. Those guys down in marketing have a hell of a sense for humor. If I was running a business, I'm sure the FIRST place I'd take clients from New York would be to a Buccos game.
Entertain? Sorry, Pirates, that isn't really your strong point. As long as the Pirate Parrot and the Pittsburgh Pierogies have greater appeal than the actual ballclub, I'd find a different word.
"Reason No. 3: Enjoy the Best! PNC Park is the best ballpark in America!"
Wow! I actually agree with them on that one. PNC Park is a terrific place. Now about finding a terrific baseball team...
"Reason No. 2: Reconnect with the Family! Family time at the ballpark wearing black and gold...a Pirate Tradition!"
Oh great! I love family reunions! I actually thought they were trying to refer back to the '70s again.
But isn't reconnecting with the family 82 times a little...excessive?
"Reason No. 1: Great entertainment value! Pirate games are still affordable, a Full season ticket plan starts at less than $5 a game!"
Here they go with that entertainment thing again. Sure, it's fun going to see the Parrot, the Pirate Girls, and the Pierogies. But what ever happened to that "We Will" attitude?
The Full Season may only be $5 per game, but they really mean to say $399. They don't want me to buy individual games.
At least they tried.
Fascinating. How could they leave out the Dave Parker bobblehead night? Or the fact that anybody can waltz right up to the gate and buy tickets five minutes before the game starts?
Sorry, Buccos. Although I will be attending your games this season, I am not crazy enough to buy your season tickets.
But what about Skyblast fireworks night?
Don't get me wrong. I still love the Pirates and this article was done just out of fun. Let's Go Bucs!