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Now Hiring: 13 Available Jobs for Chad Johnson

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL - AUGUST 11:  In this handout photo provided by the Broward County Sheriff's Office, Chad Johnson is seen in a police booking photo at Broward County Sheriff's Office on August 11, 2012 in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Johnson was arrested on a domestic violence charge following accusations that he had head-butted his wife. (Photo by Broward County Sheriff's Office via Getty Images)
Handout/Getty Images
Jeffrey BoswellAnalyst IAugust 15, 2012

Free Chad Johnson! No, that’s not a plea to the Broward County jail. On the contrary, it’s a plea from Johnson himself, indicating that it will cost very little to hire football’s loosest cannon.

After being liberated from the Miami Dolphins, as well as from a VH1 reality show, Johnson is unemployed. His wife Evelyn Lozada says Johnson “needs help.” But he needs work more.

Johnson would be uniquely qualified for the following positions.

*Host of MSNBC’s new political debate show called Butting Heads With Chad Johnson.

*Annoying stage announcer for the NBC’s spinoff series America Had Talent. Johnson’s no Nick Cannon, which is nowadays likely the only compliment Johnson is eligible to receive.

*NFL replacement referee: Johnson could continue to have a negative impact on the game. In addition, he’d be wearing black-and-white stripes for the first, but probably not the last, time.

*New Year’s Eve celebration host: Finally, it would be Johnson’s job to drop the ball.

*Catholic priest: Could the man who never shuts up handle a job in which he mans the confessional booth and is—God forbid—forced to listen?!

*Character in “World Of Warcraft” video game: Alas, Johnson would again have some “fantasy” value.

*Bookie: Johnson could specialize in offering his customers bets that he swears “can’t be covered.”

*Inspiration for MTV’s new cartoon series Ev L.’s And Butthead, in which the animated likenesses of Johnson and his estranged wife lounge around their widescreen television and tweet about the day’s least important events.

*Adult film star: What’s the best thing about Chad Johnson as an X-rated movie actor? He doesn’t even need to change his name. Of course, should he require a name change, Chad Ochoincho is available.

*Star of The Expendables 3, in which teams up with other aging action in a film that’s destined for “early release.”

*Author: Who wouldn’t want to read Johnson’s autobiography? Especially if it was titled Chad Johnson Gets Booked.

Then again, who would want to read Johnson’s autobiography, since it would likely be comprised of 2,000 chapters, each of a length of 140 characters of less?

*Wal-Mart greeter: The loquacious Johnson would excel at this. In no time, he could, once again, claim to be a “No. 1 receiver.”

*Interstate 77 hitchhiker: This job would give Johnson his best chance to get to Canton, Ohio.

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