How To Destroy a Great Sports City: The Pittsburgh Edition

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How To Destroy a Great Sports City: The Pittsburgh Edition

It’s unfortunate that Pittsburgh fans are such complete morons, because they really have a great thing going with sports. They have the Super Bowl champion, the No. 1 college basketball team in the nation, and a decent hockey team.

You would think that with so much athletic excellence, they would be above fan disdain from other metros. Nope.

The blue collar giants have to take the time to squash out the rumblings of a few Capital City malcontents.

See Pittsburgh, you’re going about this the entirely wrong way. D.C. hates you because you’re successful. Baltimore hates you because you are successful. To your credit, you’ve managed to unite two cities that have nothing in common but traffic-plagued beltways, cocaine, and STDs.

But, instead of riding with your success and maintaining gracefully, you decide that a trip to the gutter is worth the trouble for your beloved franchises.

And that’s why everybody here hates you.

You don’t need to come down. We need to come up. Not in fan loyalty, heart, and cleverness on blog posts—we’ve got all of that covered.

What we don’t have are the teams to back up our underdog swag. You do. Our job is to hate you. Your job, Pittsburgh fans, is to ignore us.

And you’re epic failures at the one job most required of you, keeping your mouth shut and enjoying your success.

You suck at photoshop. You suck at clever blogs and newspaper columns aimed at your opponents. It’s not because you don’t have the talent, but instead because in recent history, you haven’t needed to do so.

The Joker said it best: Don’t pretend to be one of us, because you’re not. Even if you’d like to be. You’d like for the world to see you as hard-working fans who back their team, love their wives, and beat respect into their children—just like the rest of Slumdog Sports Nation.

But when you retaliate, you become something to abhor. Something to hate...Something like Boston sports fans.

We are experts at finding the joy in underachievement. Usually, that joy is derived in antagonizing arch rivals. The last thing you want is for people to believe you need more than successful sports teams, because that’s all anyone is aiming for anyway.

You have the largest fan base in the entire NFL, and the best action-packed episodes of COPS. Enjoy what works for you, while we do the same.

When Alex Ovechkin smacks your precious Sidney Crosby like he didn’t pull his shirt up fast enough at Mardi Gras, don’t be upset. Chuckle and mention your last Stanley Cup appearance.

You don’t need to bash Chris Cooley. Just talk about how you took over his home field.

Don’t be like the common man when your teams strive to make you the heirs of total sports domination. Because you don’t come off common. You come off like a bunch of raving idiots who have never been there before.

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