2012 NFL Predictions, Based on Team Foam Hats

Andrew Blumetti@@99redblumesCorrespondent IAugust 6, 2012

2012 NFL Predictions, Based on Team Foam Hats

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    Is the calendar right? It's August already? 

    Wow, where does the time go? 

    That means it's that time of year the gridiron diehards are hunkering down for four months of pigskin madness. Sleazy bookies are being overrun with last-minute bets squeezed in at the wire, Doritos will be sold at an alarming rate and disgruntled wives will not see their husbands on a Sunday until February. 

    When looking for help in making NFL predictions and picks, your average person may seek out help from ESPN, Sports Illustrated or a source that spends millions of dollars analyzing the most incredibly agonizing minutiae of each team to a fault.

    Honestly though, where’s the fun in that? 

    Why be another sheep in the herd? Why not be an individual? Why not go out on a limb? 

    If you’re one of those daring people who subscribe to the theory of “no guts, no glory”, you're invited to take the most ridiculous of gambles with these predictions for the upcoming 2012/2013 NFL season. 

    Are these based on researching updated rosters, training camp performance, draft picks or potential injury concerns? 

    Good gravy no. 

    These are rankings…based on how awesome (or unawesome) each team’s Foamhead merchandise is. 

    Past performance plays no part in these rankings. While you're at it, throw simple logic out the window because it won't do you any good here either. 

    Take a look—you may just find that the silliest of reasons may end up earning you some bragging rights over your buddies by season's end. 

NFC East, 1st: Washington Redskins

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    Defending Super Bowl champion Giants? Michael Vick? Jerry Jones' nightmarish mug? The NFC East is a highly, mighty competitive and scary terrain. 

    So, when will the ‘Skins win the division? 

    Well, when pigs fly. 

    The team with the most racially-questionable name in professional sports went hog wild with this adorable oinker on your dome. 

    With Heisman Trophy winner Robert Griffin III at the helm, things are finally starting to look up for the perennially pathetic 'Skins. 

    To those naysayers who doubt the DC'ers in 2012, it's clear to say…you guessed it...


NFC East, 2nd: Philadelphia Eagles

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    The Eagles spent 2011 laying a colossal egg on the gridiron. 

    Take heart Philly fans—there's no need to sob into your cheesesteak or throw away your skin-tight Green Man costume, things are looking up. 

    Michael Vick will channel his 2010 self, LeSean McCoy will continue to be an elite running back and DeSean Jackson will produce more big plays than Andrew Lloyd Webber.

    So...where's the crystal ball? How can this be promised when we're so early in the season?  We're only just approaching preseason games after all.

    Simple. This regal foam headwear stands out as one of the NFC's elite. True to their logo and mighty intimidating, this bird nearly assures the Eagles' 2K12 season will take flight. 

NFC East, 3rd: New York Giants

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    If you thought winning the Super Bowl was tough, just try winning two...in a row.

    For the second time in four years, the Vince Lombardi Trophy found itself a nice comfy home next to Hoffa's body in the Meadowlands. 

    If this relatively bland Foamhead is any indication, a third ring under Tom Coughlin's grueling tutelage is going to be a real challenge to obtain.

    Never underestimate the G-Men, they absolutely have a "never say die" spirit. The 2011 season found field general Eli Manning proving himself to be a fourth-quarter wizard and wide receiver Victor Cruz salsa danced all over the competition.

    Foam wise—a plain old football on the head? That's certainly not cutting the mustard in the tough NFC East. 

    History dictates that you'd be a fool to rule out Big Blue, but all signs point to an uphill battle. 

NFC East, 4th: Dallas Cowboys

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    Don’t get your spurs a "janglin" cowpokes. The simple fact is “America’s Team” is the owner of one of the lamest Foamhead hats around. 

    Tony Romo became a new father in the offseason, and Dez Bryant, well...spent his time elsewhere

    With all those distractions, the Cowboys' 2012 season could be filled with a bit too many preoccupations to keep them afloat.

    In foam terms though? One word...yawn

    Most people in Dallas probably own a real cowboy hat already, so this bland replica loses points on originality.

    C’mon Jerry Jones, get creative.

NFC North, 1st: Green Bay Packers

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    Roll out the red, errr, green carpet, it's the classic Foamhead of ‘em all…the Packers' cheesehead. 

    Clay Matthews won’t be the only yellow-topped Wisconsinite around when you pop this diary wedge on your chilly noggin. 

    Granted, it won't keep you warm when you're freezing your butt off on those ice cold days in Lambeau, but when watching quarterback extraordinaire Aaron Rodgers repeatedly air mail deliveries to the end zone, you really won't care. 

    With this strong foam showing, the Pack are destined to have a “gouda” season, perhaps, even “cheddar” than last year. Can they repeat as NFC North divisional winners? 

    Looks like a “briepeat"!

NFC North, 2nd: Chicago Bears

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    Would you be scared of this bear?

    How about this bear


    ...Or him?

    OK, OK. Well, if you're in the NFC North, you're probably scared of this bear

    Their grizzly blue and orange Foamhead is just as menacing. In a smash-mouth division, "Da Bears" are going to be tough to take down. 

NFC North, 3rd: Detroit Lions

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    Congratulations Lions, your recent winning ways have now officially made these guys Detroit's most embarrassing export once again. 

    After years in the basement of the NFL, Detroit’s silver and blue have finally began righting the ship, delighting fans in the Motor City. 

    With a borderline top-tier quarterback, an elite receiver, a tackle who leaves cleat marks on opposing players' bodies and a foamer that’s king of the jungle, this Thanksgiving-playing bunch should build on their 2011 success.

    Shall we say Lion King? Well, they may have to settle for "Lion Prince" for now.  Well, just anything but Snoop Lion.    

NFC North, 4th: Minnesota Vikings

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    Sorry Twin Cities fans, it's been a long year.

    In their second post-Brett Favre year, the Minnesota's purple and gold are destined to go down with the ship. 

    This Vikings' burly hat looks like something discolored rip-off Smurfs (or “Smarfs”) would wear on their head, with a couple of Viking horns thrown in for good measure. 

    They may have repaired that snowy tear in the Metrodome roof last year, but clearly, it’s still going to be a chilly season in Minnesota. 

NFC South, 1st: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

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    Holy ship! 

    Ahoy matey—this awesome pirate-boat-inspired cranium-topper is a sure sign that the 2012 Buccaneers are going to be the shock of the league, pulling in the top spot in the NFC South. 

    Intimidating, tough and not-to-be-messed-with: indicators that the Bucs aren't the South's walking mat anymore. 

    You heard it here first. 

    Under the play of first-year coach Greg Schiano, quarterback Josh Freeman will make huge steps and come into his own as the one-time Creamsicles send perennial favorite Saints to walk the plank to an early offseason. 

NFC South, 2nd: Carolina Panthers

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    It would seem when your quarterback is also your best running back, things aren't going too well. 

    The Panthers just haven't been able to get it together the past few seasons. Their once-solid running platoon is now anemic, and they've found themselves a home in the litter box one too many times. 

    But...that was then, and this is now.

    The cat's out of the bag...and it's on your head. This tough foamy feline is an indication that we're on the verge of witnessing an explosive and surprising Panther team in 2012. 

    If Cam Newton and Steve Smith can deliver like Dominos on the offensive side, Carolina's defense could very well get the job done, culminating in a legitimate playoff run for the Panthers by the time we're trimming the tree in December. 

NFC South, 3rd: Atlanta Falcons

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    Sorry Atlantians. 

    Perhaps, it’s the red pupils or the angry Dick Tracy villainish scowl, but honestly, this Falcons Foamhead seems a bit too bummed out to predict a successful season.  

    Predicted to be one of the division's stronger teams, and despite all the talent Matt Ryan and Roddy White bring table, it seems that Hotlanta's season is going to be an ice cold one. 

NFC South, 4th: New Orelans Saints

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    "Who dat?!?",,, or "What dat?!?" to be more exact. 

    Well, apparently, the Saints went marching in…to a boring designer for this dud. True, given that this is their primary logo, the Saints didn't really have much of a choice on this one. 

    Nevertheless, though, a team with a suspended coach, assistant coach and general manager, plus a Hall of Fame quarterback on a contract year? Ouch. 

    Looks like things in the Big Easy are going to be anything but.

NFC West, 1st: Arizona Cardinals

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    Stand up football fans!

    A round of applause to the Cardinals, as this is some superb-looking headwear.

    Arizona finished last year with an 8-8 record, albeit in second place, but if this hat is any indication, expect a big leap forward for the redbirds. 

    Just try to forget the fact their starting quarterback is Kevin Kolb.

NFC West, 2nd: St. Louis Rams

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    How does a team go from a miserable, measly two wins to second place in their division all in just one year?

    Well, under a new head coach, Sam Bradford could make a turnaround and stay healthy, Steven Jackson could put up big numbers and their defense could surprise everyone.

    ...or they could just rank highly with this excellent ram hat. 

    The latter certainly seems more likely. 

NFC West, 3rd: Seattle Seahawks

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    Finally, something you can wear to Starbucks! 

    With all the rain the Pacific Northwest has, some primo head coverage is a must.

    An umbrella is gonna make you look like The Penguin, so this bird is a solid option during a guaranteed Seattle afternoon spritz. 

    If Eddie Vedder wears one of these, sign us all up for one.

NFC West, 4th: San Francisco 49ers

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    The once dominant 49ers fell upon a massive victory drought over the last decade. 

    If in life, "what goes up, must come down," then in sports, it seems the opposite also rings true. The No-Cal faithful could raise their hands in victory as the Niners' 2011 run brought the team back to their winning glory.

    That makes it all the more sad that this foam prospector's hat is so lackluster. 

    The 49ers are still an incredibly talented team (yes, even with Brandon Jacobs), and their defense is currently second to none in the NFL, but as far as their Foamhead goes?  

    Pure fool's gold. 

AFC East, 1st: New York Jets

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    Rex Ryan's once-giant waist may have slimmed down, but it seems the Jets' quarterback position has doubled in size

    Does that mean more chaos for the NFL's biggest circus? More empty Super Bowl promises, bigmouths and dysfunction from their players? 

    No way. 

    The Jets will bounce back this year, and it has nothing to do with Tebowmania. It's got everything to do with this fantastic Foamhead; that's just plane amazing. 

    It doesn’t even take a second of thought to recognize what team this is for. Somewhere, we'd like to think Kevin Arnold’s jacket would match this well, which is heartwarming.

AFC East, 2nd: Miami Dolphins

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    They're being picked on porpoise! 

    The Dolphins may not have the most solid quarterback or a recent winning history, but one glimpse of this fin-tastic hat with some of the best colors in the NFL, is a great sign that the fish are finally turning a corner in 2012. 

    If they don’t have a strong season, better get Ace Ventura investigatin’. 

    Laces out Dan

AFC East, 3rd: New England Patriots

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    The Patriots are one of those teams people love to hate. 

    Why? Well, it may be because of Bill Belichick’s ratty old gray sweatshirt, although more would point to the team's numerous Super Bowl rings and strong playoff presence year in and year out. 

    Tom Brady is going to have a great season, and this Guy Fawkes' V for Vendetta face is made really well, but unfortunately, it’s in a division with a lot of strong foam competition. 

    The Pats will have a solid season, but it looks like it's a surprising third place for these chowderheads.

AFC East, 4th: Buffalo Bills

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    You have to feel for the people of Buffalo.

    Every winter, they have to break out the shovel just to access their mailbox, their professional football team has to play a yearly home game in Canada, they also haven't been competitive in ages and their goofy-looking foam hat is worse. 

    One thing you Buffalonians do have are authentic delicious Buffalo wings. So, we can't really feel that bad. 

AFC North, 1st: Cleveland Browns

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    Let's see how many dog puns can be worked into a single entry...

    Let these puppies off the leash...the Browns are here to play in 2012!

    This adorably angry pup hat hits all the right notes and should be worn in the Dog Pound proudly as they dig a hole to bury their competition. 

    It’s such a great looking foamer; let's throw the Browns a bone and award them a surprise top spot in a “ruff” division. 

    Official Dog Pun Tally:  four

AFC North, 2nd: Baltimore Ravens

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    Notoriously, one of the game’s toughest defenses in the past decade and they're not going anywhere anytime soon. 

    Make no doubt you Baltimore gridiron fans, this bird means business, and he means it now.  Those piercing crimson eyes glare into your soul, and that foamy beak might just annoy the guy sitting in front of you. 

    When will the Baltimore Ravens not be one of the AFC’s elite? 

    To quote the raven, never more.

AFC North, 3rd: Cincinnati Bengals

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    When placed in a division with the Steelers, you pretty much have to be prepared to be knocked around like clockwork each year. It's the classic "always a bridesmaid, never a bride" on an annual basis. 

    Well, it may be time to fit yourselves for a wedding dress...or the toughest football equivalent possible.

    Wear your stripes proudly Bengals fans; this tiger is here to play, and your team isn't going down without a fight this year either. 

    In one of the game's hardest divisions, Cincinnati's third-place prediction is nothing to meow at. They'll prove themselves to be a heck of a contender. 

AFC North, 4th: Pittsburgh Steelers

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    Troy Polamalu’s wild mane couldn’t be tamed by this not-so-tough looking beam-impaled helmet…made of foam. 

    Historically, any team who’s unlucky enough to fly to Pittsburgh and face the Steelers on their own ground is in for cold, tough, relentless football. The hardest of the hard and the toughest of the tough awaits you in the Steel City. 

    Take another look at their foamy hat, and that toughness is slightly deflated. Looking like a leftover prop from a Village People concert, intimidation is the last thing this projects.

    Enjoy your basement-finish Roethlisberger and Co.

AFC South, 1st: Indianapolis Colts

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    It's going to be an exciting year in The Circle City. 

    After a dismal 2011, the Colts' 2012 bounce-back season will have little to do with skill, talent, or "Luck," but all to do with this foamy pony.

    Peyton may have taken his skills out West, but when when your fans are donning an angry blue steed on their skull, your team is playing with fire. 

    Indy fans—keep your Sundays free and prepare yourselves for some meaningful, late-season football. 

AFC South, 2nd: Jacksonville Jaguars

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    This cat head, while pretty cool, isn’t really that intimidating, but hey, neither are the 11 guys in uniform on the field either. 

    The Jaguar is the height of classy cars, but the team’s recent play over the years is more like a broken down Yugo (or really any Yugo to be more specific). 

    Lucky for them, this foam hat’s charm more than makes up for it. 

    A surprise turnaround helps hoist the Jags to the top half of the AFC South. This cat-head doesn't scream out "world beaters," so perhaps, February football isn't in the cards for 2013, but signs are pointing in the right direction. 

    Climb the ladder boys.

AFC South, 3rd: Houston Texans

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    Over the past few seasons, the Texans have always seemed like one of those teams right on the verge of something huge but just falling short.

    After an impressive playoff run last year, fans in Houston are salivating for a Super Bowl Sunday date. 

    Sorry to say Texans fans—it just looks like a real challenge. They did do a proper job of turning their logo into a foam hat, but ye-haw. It’s just awkward looking, y'all. 

    Since this system is undoubtedly airtight, it looks like the Texans are bound for bronze in the AFC South this year.

AFC South, 4th: Tennessee Titans

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    Mother of all creatures big and small! Your head’s on fire! 

    Oh...nevermind...it’s just this hideous Titans foam hat. 

    I'll take the fire instead.

AFC West, 1st: Denver Broncos

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    You can bet you the South Park boys will be happy come playoff time, because the Denver Broncos will take the division with this impressive bucking horse hat. 

    Yes, its eyes look like something out of 28 Days Later, but on the bright side; it makes it a whole lot easier to scare nearby kids into giving you their nachos.

    The Broncos will sit firmly atop the AFC West all season, and it has everything to do with their foam merchandise...and a little to do with Peyton Manning

    Just a little. 

AFC West, 2nd: Kansas City Chiefs

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    Have you ever seen expensive gourmet cheeses—the ones that are wrapped in colored wax? 

    Well, dip the Packers cheesehead in red and you’ve got the Chiefs Arrowhead…head.  

    Kansas City is really one of the best football cities to play in. Many great things are spoken about KC’s unbroken dedication, intensely loyal fans and barbecue tailgating that will make your mouth water upon first step into the parking lot.

    Their striking foam head gear is no exception, as the arrow points to the Chiefs playing more than 16 games this season.

AFC West, 3rd: Oakland Raiders

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    Ever had one of those days when you just thought you could benefit form an extra head? 

    You know, skull No. 2—to run errands, listen to boring stories and eat disgusting veggies that you don’t want to? 

    Well, just root for the Raiders, and you’re in luck.

    Just walk gently; you don't want to bump into someone with that pirate's sword sticking out of your belfry.

AFC West, 4th: San Diego Chargers

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    You stay classy San Diego…

    The Chargers may have multiple playoff runs, a Pro Bowl-worthy quarterback and a reputation of some of the prettiest cheerleaders in the NFL, but the power’s out on this electrical mess. 

    Sadly, fans in Ron Burgundy’s favorite town won’t be celebrating come January 'cause of it.

    If you do have to buy this foam hat, don't bring cash, the best way is by charge