The first USA Today Coaches Poll is out, and college football’s leaders have once again been given a forum to showcase their knowledge of the players and coaches outside of their locker room.
The time put into these rankings is, well, minimal, and you can question how much influence a coach actually puts in over his own poll. I’m looking at you, university intern who was suddenly handed a blank sheet of paper, pencil and a top-25 deadline.
Steve Spurrier has always been someone who has appreciated not appreciating the USA Today Coaches Poll, and we’ve obtained his personal rankings before South Carolina brass had the opportunity to doctor it.
In 2012, he finally let himself go. If you thought including Duke in past years was a big deal, you ain’t seen nothing yet.
1) Augusta National – A tradition unlike any other. Steve Spurrier waits outside the Augusta gates with a “Will Tell Amazing Stephen Garcia Stories for Guest Pass” sign and he’s typically picked up instantly. A staple on top.
2) South Carolina – Vintage Ol’ Ball Coach is back, and he’s provided solid sound bites of late. He clearly likes his team, and even if he didn’t they would be ranked higher than yours.
3) Coors Original – Tan and tall is how Spurrier rolls, especially when he’s shirtless at a NASCAR race. By tan and tall, I’m referring to the can of delicious brew and not the OBC’s sweltering, bronze physique. (In case you were unsure).
4) Suntan Lotion – See link above.
5) Florida – Despite being in the rearview, Spurrier cannot escape his coaching roots. Plus, he bet Will Muschamp a spot in the top five of the preseason poll over a regulated staring contest. Horrible decision on his part.
6) His Scotty Cameron Belly Putter – Recently regripped and the club he refers to as his “Wallet Destructor,” Spurrier never misses a putt under eight feet. Everyone knows that’s a gimmie, damn it.
7) Appalachian State – Despite having zero involvement in App State’s upset of Michigan in 2007, Steve Spurrier tells that story at parties he attends. Gets ‘em every time.
8) The Sandwich He’s Eating While Doing His Coaches Poll – It was either that or his coat rack, which could still make a cameo because it’s definitely better that writing down "Georgia."
9) The Coat Rack – [shrugs shoulders]
10) Duke – He’s included the Blue Devils in his top 25 before, although he’s bumped them up slightly this time around. A stick-figure Nick Saban with a frown face replaced the No. 10.
11) Alabama – He wouldn’t dare leave Alabama out of the top 25 again, not after Nick Saban shaved “Ingram” into his dog after the 2009 preseason debacle.
12) His Collection of 7,000 visors – Each brim has little to no bend while every custom piece of aerodynamic headgear is crafted to fly 300 percent farther than the average visor.
13) South Carolina – Not a typo. They’re that good. Try to tell him otherwise.
14) Tim Tebow – He didn’t vote him as a preseason All-American in a 2009 because of an “oversight,” so he’s decided to make it up to him now. More about this story on ESPN at 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 and 11 p.m. for the next week.
15) Arkansas – Spurrier's a big fan of Tyler Wilson and Knile Davis, and John L. Smith promised not to discuss that "one time in Tijuana" if he included him in the top 15. So, well, that's how you kill two birds with one stone.
16) His 7-iron – From 155 to 160 yards, and if you’re giving him at least a few cracks at it, there’s no one better in South Carolina with this stick. His favorite non-putting device.
17) West Virginia – Although Spurrier was going to leave them out of the top 20, Dana Holgorsen made him a birthday cake with the words "You're a Face Card in My Book!" in icing. Aww...
18) A Doodle of Marcus Lattimore Running Through What Appears to Be a Group of Large Robots – Seriously, that's it. No words included.
19) Tennessee – Derek Dooley’s mother left Spurrier a 14-minute message that included 255 curses and “I love you” six times. Her dedication showed up here.
20) His Headset Throwing Motion – If it were a recruit, it would be a 5-star with an offer from basically every school in the country. Incredible violence on this toss, durability also a plus.
21) Clemson – Those comments between Spurrier and Swinney? Water under the bridge, and Spurrier's top 25 ranking proves it. He has, however, removed them from the top 25 in his final poll, which is already complete as well. You can never be too prepared.
22) The Guy From the Ford Truck Commercials – His name is Mike Rowe, he's also done other things, and he and Spurrier go fishing once a week in the offseason. Steve still thinks his name is Ford, but it's fine by Mike because Spurrier brings the bait.
23) The Gamecocks – It's the same exact...you know what, never mind.
24) Georgia Tech – Spurrier notes that Paul Johnson returns some key members of his defense, and they still have some excite—NOT GEORGIA.
25) "I'm Late For My Tee Time" – “Seriously, I've gotta go. Please pick whoever you want and I trust your…to be honest, I just don’t care.”
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