Because being right means never having to say your sorry...
Say hey there Bleacher Creatures—great to be back here in cyber-blivion. I just flew in with Cory Lidle, and boy are my arms...burning.
Tasteless is as tasteless does: It's funny 'cause he's dead—get it?
The United Nations Security Council levied punitive sanctions against North Korea over the weekend, in response to the Communist state's detonation of a nuclear bomb on October 9th. The U.N. decision made Kim Jong-il the second most maligned authority figure in the world, right behind Larry Coker.
Rock You Like a Hurricane, 1.0: The Miami-FIU brawl drew sharp criticism from observers all over the country, many of whom cited a lack of responsible leadership as the root cause of the melee. Former Florida Congressman Mark Foley disagreed...and you can finish that one on your own.
Rock You Like a Hurricane, 2.0: The ruckus at the Orange Bowl featured fist-swinging, helmet-clubbing, and a recent innovation in modern combat: crutch-jousting. Watching the game in Washington, Donald Rumsfeld hatched a brilliant new Iraq strategy predicated largely on the deployment of crippled American veterans.
Rock You Like a Hurricane, 3.0: In a related development, the Defense Department hired Lamar Thomas as its new deputy spokesman.
Numbers Game: Speaking of the Tigris and the Euphrates, a new report released under the aegis of Johns Hopkins University pegged the number of total Iraqi deaths during as the war as high as 650,000. That figure contradicts the conclusions reached by more conservative studies, which have estimated the casualty count at closer to 50,000. Some experts have hinted that the missing 600,000 Mesopotamians may in fact be holed up in their bedrooms, managing their fantasy football rosters.
And it's one, two, three, what are we fighting for?: Or is that just a richest-and-most-powerful-nation-state-in-the-history-of-the-world kind of pastime?
Numbers Game, Happy Version: Back on the home front, the United States population officially reached the 300 million mark. The Census Bureau cited increased immigration, improved health care, and Shawn Kemp's impending return to the NBA as the major agents of expansion.
You would've preferred a Thomas Malthus allusion?: Because there's never a bad time for a Shawn Kemp joke.
In that spirit, the Industry's Random Forgotten Sports Icon of the Week: Dante Bichette
And just for the heck of it: Tim Keown
Finally this week, kudos to President Brush for reaching out to Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki via phone on Monday. Bush called al-Maliki to assure him that Iraq could continue to count on full United States military support in the coming months, even amidst increasing calls for withdrawl from the American public. Later that night, Dubya had a strikingly similar conversation with Cardinals kicker Neil Rackers.
Or maybe not: Because Rackers did miss wide left.
But enough poorly-aimed punnery for now. Stop by again next Friday, when we'll have a special haiku reading from Dennis Green. Haiku of course being the ancient Japanese art of going completely off the deep end on national television...