Welcome back to the Bluths Explain Football, an ongoing series in which the cast of Arrested Development gives you insight into the AFC South.
Today's episode is "Shock and Aww." Let's see what it can teach us about the Houston Texans upcoming training camp.
George Michael develops a crush on his ethics teacher, while Gob looks to get revenge on Michael for the Marta incident. Michael hooks up with the ethics teacher at Lindsay's misguided insistence. Meanwhile, Lucille adopts a Korean boy.
Michael resorts to lying about the nature of the relationship to George Michael, who goes to confront his uncle. In the end, no one winds up with the girl.
"I'm supposed to write 200 words on the morality of war, whether a preemptive strike is ever necessary?"
"Absolutely. It's preemptive. That means it comes before something else."
—George Michael and Michael
The absolute strength of the Texans is their ability to rush the passer, and this training camp, they'll be focused on how to get enough snaps for all the rushers.
They have five players on the roster with at least four sacks last year, and that doesn't factor in first-round pick Whitney Mercilus.
Any time a team running an aggressive defense has a viable pass-rusher at virtually every end and linebacker spot, you can count on plenty of preemptive strikes. The only trick will be finding enough blitzes to give all of them a crack at the quarterback.
"I don't have the milk of mother's kindness in me any more."
"Yeah. That udder's been dry for awhile."
A few months ago, I wondered if Kevin Walter would even make the Texans' roster this year, but after passing on wideouts early in the draft, there's no question the Texans need him.
Ideally, Andre Johnson and Owen Daniels would handle most of the targets, leaving Walter to focus on shorter, sharper routes as more of a glorified slot man.
If Walter has one more viable season left in him, it's up to the Texans to wring every last drop of talent free while they can.
Lindsay had never been more proud of anything she had said in her entire life.
Gary Kubiak is coming off the coaching achievement of his lifetime and has a team that's confident and charged for the season.
While confidence is a positive, the Texans will have to play with the target on their back for the first time ever. That's a distinct change from years past.
Kubiak will have to keep his team engaged and motivated throughout camp. The Texans are good, but they can't afford to overlook anyone on their schedule.
It will be a different mindset in Houston this year, and how the team handles it will go a long way toward determining the outcome of the season.
"I've come to learn at your feet."
"That's a good place to start."
—Cindi Lightballon and George Sr.
I've covered the wideout issue for the Texans extensively, but I will say one thing for all the young receivers on the team.
They have the best possible role model.
If you want to learn how to play the position in the NFL, there couldn't possibly be a better example to follow than Andre Johnson.
Being a great player doesn't make someone a great coach or mentor. Johnson's job is to catch balls, not metaphorically wipe noses of young up-and-comers.
Just being able to watch him work, however, can only help the young Texans looking to make an impact in the league.
"I kind of love her."
"You mean, you love her...like she loves Sadaam?"
"No, no. I mean like love her, love her."
If I was building my perfect NFL team, my first pick would be a quarterback. Then I'd draft an elite pass-rusher. Next, I'd add a difference-making safety. Finally, I'd want a lockdown corner.
The Texans have three of those four, and Danieal Manning isn't bad at safety.
The one that stirs the drink in this case is Johnathan Joseph.
Everyone knows his arrival in Houston was a big deal, but when you watch film of just how tough he was last year, it's a real sight to behold.
Given all the drama around Darrell Revis and the age of Nnamdi Asomugh and Asante Samuel, I'm not sure there's another corner in the game I'd rather have than Joseph right now.
He's the kind of player that makes the rest of the players around him look better and gives Wade Phillips immense freedom.
He's not that exact of a target shooter. He just sort of sprays it everywhere.
I really love this quote, and it doesn't apply very well to the Texans quarterbacks, so let's give a retro shout out to Kris Brown.
Hey, it fits. Sue me.
The Texans may look like everything is fine on the surface, but there are a few issues that need to be hammered out in camp. If they want to say "onyong" to another division title, they'll need to be focused and ready for the season.
For right now, they are still holding up their finger saying, "No ring," but someday, you know, maybe down the road it will all work out.
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