Dear Mr. Mozeliak,
You may not know me, but I am your biggest fan. The way that you have general managed and likewise negotiated your way to success and immense popularity in the city of St. Louis is quite a remarkable accomplishment in such a short time period.
This past year and this current off-season has and will show the Cardinals organization how truly valuable of an asset you are to us.
The greatest contribution that your truly creative genius has given the Cardinals is the virtue of patience. Last year, at 53-43 going into the All-Star break, we thought that we needed some left-handed relief pitcher or some other big bat to propel us to the playoffs.
Our bad Johnny, we're just naive fans that didn't know better.
Instead, our Cardinals continued on a pretty straight, consistent route that eventually attained us an 86-76 record, 4th best in the NL Central.
Kudos Bro, I agree with the not do anything "too" risky philosophy. You know, something that could have made us fall into something like fifth place would have looked bad. Good move.
However, that's only probably the third greatest thing you've done (or haven't done...high five dude) to propel this team to the highest echelon of prestige!
I had doubts about this next move, but now I whole-heartedly agree with letting Aaron Miles go to our most hated rival, the Chicago Cubs. Miles "only" hit .317, playing 130 games while only committing four errors in the field all season. He was probably the best middle infielder we had in terms of productivity. But luckily, I see your train of thought, we'll just have Albert play the entire right side of the infield and maybe the league will be lenient to us in having him bat twice in the lineup.
Hopefully our proposition for "ghost runner on first" also gets approved. You could probably also scrap that idea and use some other guy that hasn't played a day of baseball in the Majors or fully proved himself yet. It'd save budget and immortalize you for being "thrifty." Let's just hope it doesn't back fire like it did on your predecessor, Walt Jocketty.
Finally, not picking up a proven, durable left-hander this season was a move that will be gloriously remembered for the ages. The one thing that could have put us in the playoffs last season had we not blown 31 saves was some kind of consistent relief pitcher, preferably a closer or some kind of left-handed reliever that we were clearly lacking.
Again, you thought budget and picked up the future savior of our bullpen, LHP Royce Ring. Who needs experience in a Brian Fuentes when you've got guys out there as cheap and reliable as Ring? What was his ERA again? I haven't looked but I can only assume that it is Gibson-esque.
Side-note: There's a hot shot 11 year old with a sick knuckleball that I'm sure we could pick up for about $10 and a couple of baseball cards. Get back at me with that one, Zabroni.
In closing, I think that you, John Mozeliak, are the cats pajamas and the bees knees all rolled into one. You've not only got the sort of divine intelligence that only one like the Almighty holds, you've also got the logic that only the genius possess and the insane lament.
Here's to doing nothing and improving to...third place in the NL Central.
Your Greatest Fan
No go on that 11 year old. He's asking for $20, so that's probably just a little too steep for us to venture into at this point in time. I'll continue to "gauge that market" and get back to you, Broski. Peace.