The Bluths Explain Football: Prepping for the Texans Season

Nate Dunlevy@NateDunlevyGuest ColumnistJune 27, 2012

The Texans need the adults to play big so the kids don't have to.
The Texans need the adults to play big so the kids don't have to.John Grieshop/Getty Images

Welcome back to the Bluths Explain Football, an ongoing series in which the cast of Arrested Development gives you insight into the AFC South.

Today's episode is "Public Relations." Let's see what it can teach us about the Houston Texans.



Michael hires a PR expert to help the family improve its image after George Michael fails to get into the prestigious Milford school. The family is all ordered to get jobs and shape up.

Tobias hires Carl Weathers to be his acting coach. Gob accidentally loses a senior citizen. Michael has a date go very poorly indeed.

The entire situation backfires as the family endures one embarrassment after another, ending with a food fight at an upscale restaurant.



"Children should be neither seen nor heard."

-Milford School motto

The Texans have a lot of young wideouts on the roster, and if all goes well, you won't notice them. If Andre Johnson stays healthy and Kevin Walter can avoid further deterioration of his skills, the Texans will be fine grooming players like DeVier Posey for another year.

Injuries to either of the veterans, however, could mean trouble for the Texans and would force the youngsters into the spotlight, and no one wants that.


"This does not bode well."


Of all the things I've written about the Texans, none has created the anger that my piece on defensive regression did.

I understand why. The Texans have lots young talent, and it's difficult to accept that players don't always get better from one year to the next.

The fact remains that the teams that experience major upswings defensively one year tend to slide back in the second year. Things just don't keep getting better forever.


"Hanukkah can be spelled so many different ways!"

-George Senior

The Texans are oddballs schematically. Wade Phillips runs his defense in a different way than most coaches. Gary Kubiak employs a run-heavy, boot-leg loving offense.

What the Texans' success last year showed was that there are many ways to win in the NFL. Talent matters more in the long run than scheme. The Texans now have talented players, and their weird-duck schemes accentuate the skills of their players.


"I want you to stay in. People find you odd and alienating. You make them uneasy. Stay out of the spotlight."


I've beat on Kareem Jackson enough already, but this quote immediately brought him to mind.


"Universe, you've done it again!"


The Texans went defensive again in the first round this year, marking the ninth time in 10 picks they've taken a defensive player in the first round. Whitney Mercilus was the latest addition to a loaded group.

Whenever a team invests this much in one side of the ball, there's not any question where their strengths lie.


"So when these guys said, 'Hey you, boy!' That was me? I was the boy?"

-George Michael

T.J. Yates had a nice start to his career with a few wins late in the season, but he has a long way to go. While the Texans won with him, that said more about the team than it did about Yates.

He played well enough under the circumstances, but he has a long way to go developmentally before the Texans can consider him a viable candidate for a future starting job.


"Dreams are worth fighting for. Now are you gonna be a fighter or are you going to be a doctor?"

-Carl Weathers

"You'll have a new name...Hero."

-Earl Milford

This team can win it all.

There's no question that the division and the conference are down at the precise moment the Texans are up. If they can stay healthy, they can fulfill the dreams of their fans.



The Texans are likeable, but they have a great PR department anyway. There's a good chance that they'll be both seen and heard from plenty this season.

It's a race to the top of the hill in the AFC South, and the Texans are finally off the stationary bike. No one is better positioned to win a cat fight than Houston.

If all goes well, they can just ride a shuttle all the way to New Orleans.


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