You didn't draft me in the ninth round this year, right? Good boy.
I know you because I've drafted with you. I shook my head when you snagged Adam Vinatieri in the 9th round, and I felt a little embarrassed on your behalf when you drafted Randy Moss last season.
And, honestly, I don't want to see it happen again.
Sure, it's nice to know there are a couple teams in my league that I know I'll beat when the schedule rolls around, but, like selling a blind kid a dead parakeet and some baseball cards, every win over a team with an unfilled starting roster leaves me with an empty feeling inside.
So read this. And actually follow its advice this year, instead of stubbornly clinging to your habits because leagues change and so can players. But only if you pay attention to the next fifty slides, instead of feeling "unlucky" because you drafted a player who tore his ACL in training camp and "ESPN didn't adjust its rankings!"
2012 is a new year. Make it a less embarrassing one.
Draft either of the guys to Akers' right first.
Please stop doing this.
It was the worst-kept pre-draft secret of 2011.
Do you really think it's just coincidence?
This is just fantasy football 101.
Learn the rules, Grasshopper because, yeah, it is a big deal.
It's not rocket science. Study.
"I see at least one loss in your future."
Who you going to start Week 4?
It's only an advantage if you draft them below their value.
You probably also tore out the cheat sheets in the back as "preparation."
And you pounded your chest after every pick until the later rounds of your draft, when you looked more like the fellow on the left.
If Billy managed an NFL team, he'd watch the games.
You must be confusing it with the sport featuring ten times as many regular season games.
You know he caught like 15 passes last season, right?
Yes, it was probably a mistake, but he did legally change his name.
You should be more confident he does at least one embarrassing interview with GQ during the season.
You realize how unlikely last season's heroics were, correct?
You also probably think your high school girlfriend will look just as hot at the 20th reunion. She won't, or your standards have changed.
Not even suspensions, hold-out rumors, coaching changes or the general disarray in New Orleans?
Because Flynn's numbers will look a little different without Greg Jennings, Jordy Nelson, Jermichael Finley, James Jones or Donald Driver.
Seriously, do you not recognize how poorly he played?
You also probably draw ill-conceived comparisons between him and Michael Vick.
Because Washington and Mike Shanahan have such a rich tradition of quarterbacks, right?
It was Pittsburgh, too, wasn't it?
It takes like an hour, hour and a half, tops. Do it.
Rodgers only helps your team if he's playing football
Check the damn schedule. Because this isn't 1965, and there are games on Thursdays.
Because a part of you will die when you draft Jeremy Kerley (left) to start in a flex position.
Was that field goal worth 3, 4 or 6 points?
Does Tom Brady's team score "bonus" points every week he passes for 300+ yards? No, because that would be stupid.
Don't complain that the artificial intelligence took David Akers in the sixth round because you were too lazy to include yourself in the best part of any fantasy football league.
He's hurt. Do your homework.
"Wait, Terrell Owens is still on the board? NOT ANYMORE!"
No one is laughing "with" you.
Because they're so freaking accurate, right?
C'mon, it's Peyton Manning. Make an exception.
Which is why your fantasy team will do no better than your real life favorite team. Sorry, Raiders fans.
The familiar "post-interception" trot off the field
Not even Percy Harvin would draft Christian Ponder.
We talkin' 'bout preseason.
Do you watch the Pro Bowl, too?
Because the former had a Pro Bowl season, right?
That's it, Joe. Stick to what you're best at.
No one believes that.
It's not. So take a note from Vince Young – championships are won when the games are played, not after the roster is assembled.
Tip: nobody wants to trade with you for Doug Martin.
Tim Tebow: living proof backups can be relevant.
Do yourself a favor and consider a backup running back before you take a kicker, okay?
Because you think “handcuffs” are only useful to cops and couples in a stale relationship.
And you like his nickname because it reminds you of Dumb and Dumber.
... have no idea how many receivers nabbed 100 receptions last season, let alone who they are. (Answer: 2, Wes Welker and Roddy White)
Similarly, your first pick is always a quarterback because “it’s the most important position in football.”
He plays for the team on the right, now.
Please pay some attention to the offseason.
Quarterback first, then ...
And it can be determined before your custom-scoring league’s draft takes place, right? Yeah, no way your league mates deviate.
3 Janikowski references! I knew we could do it.
... Megatron, TJ Whosyourmomma, Gronk, The Purple People Eaters and Seabass because you like having a nickname for every player on your roster.
(Those players, in order, are Robert Griffin, BenJarvus Green-Ellis, Adrian Peterson, Calvin Johnson, TJ Houshmandzadeh, Rob Gronkowski, and the Minnesota Vikings defense.)
Because losing is never the right decision. Ever.
Even Brett played for more than fun or "love of the game." (Yes, desperation counts.)
And not for money, pride or the ridiculous trophy?
Then forget the last 49 slides. You don't deserve to win.