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And the winner is [Kevin Malone drum roll]...Darnell Dockett.
No contest. No-brainer (take that how you want). KO before the bell rang—Heath "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" Herring-style.
If you're unfamiliar with Arizona's outspoken defensive end, imagine if Waldo Faldo and Roseanne had a lovechild who grew up with Charlie Sheen posters plastered across his bedroom walls. More or less, that's Darnell Dockett.
There's no muzzle on No. 90. At times, he appears utterly oblivious to the media spotlight that his athletic stature warrants. After scrolling through Dockett's tweets, he'll leave a bitter taste in your mouth or add two scoops of sugar to your cup of tea. Regardless, there's one guarantee: He'll incite a reaction.
His Twitter account tells stories of alligators eating Waffle House pancakes, unpardonable bets and more guns than a YouTube tribute to Michael Bay. It sounds like a Saturday night in Vegas with Hunter S. Thompson.
Yes, Darnell Dockett purchased an alligator. You know what comes next.
PETA sends a precautionary letter to Dockett, warning that his ownership of the alligator, "Nino" (which was purchased in Florida), will be deemed illegal in Arizona without a permit.
Undeterred, the defensive lineman taunts the animal-rights activists like a rebellious 13-year-old.
Dockett likes Oprah.
He likes her a lot. She personified perseverance and became a paradigm of the American Dream. Her biography paints a rags-to-riches life story, and she gradually evolved into a worldwide icon. As the 20th century unfolded, Oprah blossomed into a female role model while never abandoning her roots.
To millions of people spanning the globe, Oprah symbolizes class.
To one person in Glendale, she's an international sex symbol.
Darnell Dockett is facetious by nature. His tweets are often lined with tongue-in-cheek humor; on this occasion, he should've bitten his tongue.
Gilbert Arenas pleaded guilty to a felony and spent 30 days in a halfway house after planting guns near teammate Javaris Crittenton's locker alongside a sign reading, "PICK 1." (ESPN.com)
In trying to make light of a Arenas' senseless decision, Dockett confirmed that he's not the brightest crayon in the box.
So Fresh and so Stream
The above tweet illustrates Darnell Dockett's unbridled adoration of showering, but it's not the one that landed him in hot water. (Still, there's something disturbing about a defensive end belting high notes to a '90s-boy-band love song.)
Let's begin with this: If a story involves a nearly 300-pound man, a shower and a washcloth, it's common courtesy to include a warning/disclaimer that precedes any evidence. In other words, if somebody clicks an article headlined, "Darnell Dockett: Shower Video 'Wrong,' 'Not Appropriate,'" (NSFW or most retinas) the first thing they see shouldn't look like a scene from a D'Angelo video.
In a series of now-deleted tweets, the Cardinals' run-stuffer accepted a bet that claimed he wouldn't stream video of himself showering. Unfortunately, football players are competitive by nature and commonly obsessed with one thing: "Winning!"
Superman might wear Tim Tebow pajamas, but Charlie Sheen wears Darnell Dockett's jersey.