True(ly) Fabricated Sports Crime Stories: Case File No. 245

Junkyard JakeCorrespondent IFebruary 10, 2009

Case File No. 245 Incognito Hairy Steroid Fugitives-Busted
Feb. 10, 2009  JunkyardJake.Com

Say what you wish about government incompetence—clearly, they can't balance a budget, can't find Bin Laden and can't keep tainted produce out of the country. However, it is slightly encouraging to note, that there are some things that the government can still do well.

For example, if you are on steroids and trying to evade a Congressional hearing, they will track you down like the furry outlaw troll that you are.

That's what Roger Clemens and Mark McGwire found out when they tried to dodge the Congressional steroid hearings by assuming new identities and laying low in a small Appalachian mountain town circa early 2008.

Nice try guys, and thank you Congress for making the world a safer place by bringing these synthetically hairy fugitives to justice.

And let that be a lesson for the kids (and this means you too, Alex Rodriguez)—if you are going to try and dodge the 'House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform,' evidently, one of the first places they will look is in your secluded mountain hideaway.

Maybe a better tactic for avoiding government prosecution is to make yourself less conspicuous in a big city somewhere.  You know, maybe get a $1,000 haircut, a new pinstripe suit at Dolce & Gabbana's and hit 20 less home runs than your career average, just like you did last year.

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