Creating the Perfect Athlete
Everyone had played that game, probably at the bar, where they switch around certain features of the opposite sex to create the perfect person to have a one night stand with. It's a fun little game to play with your bros, or "fros" (female bros), over a few brews before you all go home alone.
Let's take that game out of the bar and into the sports world to Frankenstein together the ultimate athlete.
Naturally, this is all going to be subjective, so nobody freak out. I say that knowing full well that plenty of you are going to freak out.
That being said, I think I've done a pretty good job of pulling together athletes from all over the sports world to create the world's ultimate super athlete.
And, just in time for the Olympics. You're welcome, America.
Alright, let's get started on this weird, wild journey.
Keep in mind that these slides are numbered, but are not ranked in order of importance.
25. The Intelligence Of: Ryan Fitzpatrick
He might be an unproved commodity at quarterback, but the Bills' Ryan Fitzpatrick is a bonafide brainiac. Everyone knows he went to Harvard, where he excelled and majored in economics.
Oh, and his SAT score? 1580.
His brainpower might be a little more than necessary for your average NFL position, but it's a rare occasion when being dumber helps someone.
24. Hair Of: Troy Polamalu
Like with Wilson and Daivs, many athletes derive super powers from their super features.
Steelers' All-Star safety Troy Polamalu wouldn't be the same without those wild luscious locks flowing in the breeze as he crushes the bones of Joe Flacco.
The perfect athlete would have magnificent mane of a Greek god.
Close runner up: Clay Matthews.
23. Unlikely Superpower Of: Anthony Davis' Unibrow
A lot of people think Kentucky phenom Anthony Davis needs to have the unibrow waxed, especially going into the big league's as the new franchise player for the Hornets.
I say shame on them.
Obviously, the unibrow is the source of all his powers. Every great athlete has his own super power.
22. The Facial Hair Of: Brian Wilson
We're just working our way down on the face to get started. Giants relief pitcher Brian Wilson used to opt for the faux hawk and a soul patch before he switched over to his signature look.
The perfect athlete would have a beard to fear and a unibrow to undermine the competition.
There is no beard I fear more than Wilson's.
21. Left Kicking Foot Of: Lionel Messi
The perfect athlete has to be able to do it all, even play soccer.
I realize soccer fans are going to be peeved with my lack of enthusiasm here, and non-soccer fans are going to be mad that soccer is even included.
All that nonsense aside, I'm giving our Frankstein created super-athlete the left power and kicking foot of Barcelona's superstar Lionel Messi.
20. Right Kicking Foot Of: Cristiano Ronaldo
The right power and kicking foot is awarded to his Real Madrid rival, Cristiano Ronaldo.
19. Un-Sore Loserness Of: Rob Gronkowski
Patriots superstar tight end Rob Gronkowski took a lot of flack for partying the night away after losing the Super Bowl to the Giants in early 2012.
Gronk played his heart out every day of the season, and he deserved to enjoy the night.
He wore that walking boot for for weeks after the Super Bowl, and wasn't anywhere near as healthy as the Pats claimed. Yet, he played and deserved to enjoy the rest of what had been a real bummer of a day.
18. Speediness Of: Usain Bolt
In case you haven't heard, Usain Bolt is the fastest man in the world. At least until someone manages to steal away his title.
That kind of speed could benefit the perfect athlete in almost any sport.
17. Annoying "Can Do" Attitude Of: Tim Tebow
As much as the sound of Tim Tebow cheering anything on is like nail on a chalkboard to many of us, a ridiculously positive "can do" attitude is something that would benefit the perfect athlete.
You'll never see this kid quit, never tell his teammates the game his hopeless and never take a single play off—assuming he's playing something besides backup quarterback.
16. Best Dunk Face Ability: Blake Griffin
You always want someone with the ability to give someone the business by busting out a dunkface that would make even the recipient's mama cry.
There have been some arguments on this issue, but it's my contention that Clippers superstar Blake Griffin is the preeminent dunker in the NBA.
15. Right Pitching Arm Of: Justin Verlander
If our superstar specimen of perfection is going to play baseball, naturally he's going to be the pitcher. A pitcher who knows how to bring the heat and everything else in, and including, the kitchen sink.
Our superstar athlete would have the right pitching arm of Tigers ace Justin Verlander.
14. Left Pitching Arm Of: David Price
The left pitching arm is awarded to Rays ace David Price,
Obviously you've heard of switch hitters before, but imagine a switch pitcher like this monster.
13. The Killer Instict Of: Kobe Bryant
There is nobody in sports more ready, willing and able carry his team to victory on his own two legs than Kobe Bryant.
His ability to do it alone might be dwindling, but his desire to do so sure isn't.
Even in the 2012 NBA Playoffs, it seemed more often than not that Bryant was the only one on the court donning Laker gold who had any desire to win the game.
There is simply no more of an intensely competitive killer in sports than Kobe.
Just a Few for the Ladies
Sorry boys, you know I usually cater to your likes. When creating the perfect super athlete, the more superficial aspects of the human body must be considered as well.
There is nothing that any of you should find particularly objectionable in the next few slides, I just wanted to give you—and my —warning that we're about to admire some very attractive men.
12. Looks Of: Jason Taylor
The ultimate super athlete would be easy on the eyes. Actually, he should be more than easy on the eyes if he's a magical creation—he just be downright beautiful.
Have you ever looked into retired linebacker Jason Taylor's eyes? It was like the first time I heard The Beatles.
11. Body Of: Adrian Peterson
This might overlap a little with abs and looks.
What can I say, I'm giving a little somethin' somethin' to my limited female audience out there.
If you could combine all the parts of everyone else on this list, ideally we could make them look like Vikings superstar running back Adrian Peterson—but with some T.O. abs.
I'd be fine without making a single change to A.P. My man has got it going on.
10. Lickable Teeth Of: Cam Newton
Sorry if that sounds a little on the perverted side, but I have a major thing for nice teeth.
The Panthers rookie quarterback sensation Cam Newton's teeth are about as lickable as they come.
9. Abs Of: Terrell Owens
Sorry Jersey Shore cast, but The Situation ain't got nothing on Terrell Owens.
T.O. doesn't have a good reputation, he doesn't have a Super Bowl Championship and he doesn't even have a job.
But, he's got the washboard abs that look like they must have been carved from stone.
8. Style Of: Dwyane Wade
I find few things less appealing then when an athlete steps off the bus already dressed for a game of pick up basketball or flag football.
Most of these guys are pulling down pretty good money. There's no need to be wearing a sweatsuit.
Hey men, do you want your women always dressed in oversized team gear?
Didn't think so, and neither do we.
That's why the perfect athlete would have the effortless style of the Heat's Dwyane Wade.
7. Way with the Ladies Of: Derek Jeter
Nobody know the ladies like the legendary No. 2 of the Yankees, Derek Jeter. He's dated pretty much half of them worldwide.
A perfect athlete has to know how to pull in the broads. All the broads.
The Jeet is the official love'em and leave'em lothario of the sports world.
Close runner up: Tiger Woods.
6. Confrontation Ability Of: Steve Spurrier
We're talking sports here. Not some little passive aggressive spat between junior high girls.
When someone has a beef, you want someone who isn't afraid to confront the situation in the craziest way possible in front of a room full of reporters.
Especially if the beef was with one of the reporters.
I've always loved Gamecocks coach Steve Spurrier, but I never loved him more than the day that he went needlessly mental at local reporter Ron Morris over a story he had written six months prior.
Spurrier went on to privately give interviews to every reporter in the room except Morris.
Although I've always suspected the incident was to avoid discussing the Stephen Garcia story that would later break, it's still one of my favorite moments in sports.
5. Personality Of: Shaquille O'Neal & Charles Barkley
Personality is key for the ultimate professional athlete.
There are plenty of great players out there who are about as entertaining as watching the dishes soak. I'm thinking of the likes of Pau Gasol, Carson Palmer or Phil Kessel.
Especially Phil Kessel.
You can be boring and a great player, but you can't be boring and a superstar. There are no better examples of superstar personalities than Sir Charles Barkley and Shaquille O'Neal.
Both retired from the game, they remain two of the most visible presences in the NBA.
That is no accident. These two have been well-known personalities throughout their careers.
They're funny, they're giant and they are absolutely fearless.
4. Passing Arm Strength Of: Jay Cutler
If our superstar creation is going to play football, naturally he's going to play quarterback.
The quarterback is the single most important player on every NFL team, assuming they have a good one.
Our perfect athlete would have to have the ability to lob the ball the length of the field and make it look easy. Bears quarterback Jay Cutler might always look bored to be there, but he's got one of the strongest arms in the NFL.
3. Most Accurate Passing Arm: Drew Brees
If you add the brute arm strength and ability to throw the deepest of deep balls of Jay Cutler to the pin-precision accuracy of (maybe) Saints quarterback Drew Brees, then we'll really have created a monster.
Brees has been the most accurate passer in the NFL three seasons running. Imagine if he could thread the needle with the power of Jay Cutler.
I wouldn't want to be playing in that division.
2. Brute Strength Of: Brian Shaw
Who wouldn't want the perfectly created athlete to be strong like ox?
The World's Strongest Man Brian Shaw might even be stronger than an ox.
Have you ever seen an ox tow a car? I certainly haven't.
1. "Clutch Gene" Of: Kevin Durant
I hate giving ESPN's loathsome Skip Bayless any more press with his incessant talk of something he made up as a way to make fun of LeBron James, but sometimes we have to make tough decisions in life.
Maybe I'm just being a "prisoner of the moment," but forget Dwight Howard, the Thunder's superstar Kevin Durant has been the one playing like Superman.
Whether or not the Thunder defeat the Heat in the 2012 NBA Finals, the performance Durant turned in game after game has solidified him as the next big superstar in the game.
At the end of the game, Durant wants the ball in his hands. When his PIC Russell Westbrook decides to give it to him, he sinks it almost every time.
What's amazing is that this kid is only 23 years old.