It's Oscar night in Oklahoma City, and the buzz of anticipation surrounding this evening's festivities and the pending arrival of LeBrevin Durames has momentarily been overtaken by a frenzied panic to find Ricky Gervais.
According to early reports, Joan Rivers is said to be on standby as a last minute replacement for Gervais, although sources within the bullpen have let it be known her last collagen shot was clocked at an underwhelming 45 MPH.
In other news, due to budget cuts and the financial backlash resulting from the NBA's abbreviated lockout, tonight's red carpet will be replaced with a sea of pants and shirts sewn together from the wardrobes of Russel Westbrook and Dwyane Wade.
Last but not least, the awards committee announced late last night that the statues being handed out were shaped in the likeness of ESPN analyst Jon Barry, as its handle protrudes from the backside of the lower torso, similar to the appearance of a tripod.
Having said that, with so many titles at stake in these NBA Finals, here is the list of categories (and accompanying nominees) ascending from least to greatest importance.