Good evening everybody and welcome to Celebrity Deathmatch at the Preparation H Arena. This is your announcer for the evening, Al B Cinicle, and joining me here tonight is special guest commentator, Hulk Hogan.
Hulk: Hi Al, and hello Hulkamaniacs everywhere. I haven't been this excited for a match since I was in the Rocky movie.
Al: Thanks Hulk. On the card tonight is the long-awaited and long-anticipated match between two of sports' most controversial and self-centered athletes to ever put on a uniform.
Yes, of course we're talking about Alex Rodriguez and Brett Favre. Never before have two sports figures been so loved, and so vilified at the same time. Like magnets to controversy, their off-the-field drama has over-shadowed their stardom in the games they play.
Hulk: I'm really not sure what you just said Al, but I know the fans are really pumped for this match.
Al: OK folks, before we go any further, lets introduce our sponsors for this premier event:
CocaCola - Yes this is "the Real Thing"
Energizer batteries - The drama keeps "Going and Going"
Rolaids - How do we spell relief from these knuckleheads?
And of course,
Preparation H - For that pain in the Ass in your life (Jets and Yankees fans are stocking up)
Al: But the question remains, Hulk, who is the king of controversy? Does Brett's "to retire or not to retire" Shakespearean play he puts on every off-season overshadow the traveling circus that is Alex Rodriguez? Was Brett's tearful "retirement" press conference worse than Alex looking straight into Katie Couric's pretty green eyes and denying taking or even being tested for steroids?
Hulk: Well, I don't have the answers Al, but there's only one sure way to decide. And that's why we're here tonight. A no rules, fight to the finish deathmatch.
Al: Very true Hulk, and it looks like our combatants are ready to enter the arena. Coming in first is Alex Rodriguez.
Hulk: Wow, will you look at that entourage? Who are all those people?
Al: Looks like a hair-dresser, some strippers, a masseuse, Madonna, a few supermodels, and his personal physician.
Hulk: Do you believe that? What does he need a personal physician for? That's just excessive.
Al: Unbelievable, Hulk. And Look! Here comes Brett in his wranglers and work boots. Why, there's nobody with him at all. He really is a loner!
Hulk: What a contrast in styles, Al. Let me see if I can get his attention. Brett! Hey Brett! just one question—what's your prediction for the fight?
Brett: Um I think. I mean, unless I change my mind. Let me think about it for a few weeks. Or months...
Al: Typical Brett. But now it time for our fight. Lets turn it over to our ring announcer, Michael Fluffer.
Michael: Wellllllllllllllcome everyone to the Preparation H Areeeeeeeeeena. We are all honored to be here tonight for this meeting of magnificent mistake-mongers. In the blue corner, our sponsor's favorite player and the Yankees' biggest hemorrhoid, AAAAAAAAAAAA-ROID.
In the green corner, the man who came as the savior and proved to be all-too-human, Brett the JEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTT. Now lets hand it over to our referee, Will B. Fayre.
Will: The rules state, there must be a decision. Someone must die or willingly quit for the fight to end. Now go to your corners and come out fighting.
Al: Well Hulk, the moment is here. These two great prima-donnas are about to put their titles on the line. There's the bell for Round One!
Hulk: I'm so excited, my head might explode.
Al: Keep it together there Hulk. Say, why are both fighters still in their corners?
Hulk: Brett looks unsure. He seems to be thinking, "Should I come out or not?" I don't think he can decide. What's going on in A-Rod's corner, Al?
Al: It's hard to see with all the people around him, but it looks like his doctor has his hand on his ass. Wait—is that a syringe in his doctor's hand? Is he injecting A-Rod one more time? Oh, how can this be?
Hulk: Reminds me of my wrestling days, Al. Meanwhile, Brett's still sitting on on his stool. He's still talking to himself and motioning with his hands.
Al: It's sad to see, Hulk. Wait a minute, here comes A-Rod. He looks pumped!
Hulk: He's pumped all right, Al. I guess we can change his name to A-ROID now. Look! He's going after Brett. He's pulling Brett into the middle of the ring, but Brett surprises him with a kick in the groin. Looks like Brett is back after all.
Al: A-Rod recovers and goes straight for Brett's throat. But Brett eludes him. A-Rod, dives, but misses. Brett is showing some great moves.
Hulk: Hey, if you can manage to get away from those nasty defensive ends, do you really think a baseball player can catch him?
Al: I guess not Hulk. This hasn't been much of a fight so far.
Hulk: No, but I think that's about to change. A-rod has something in his trunks. And I don't mean you-know what. I just saw him pull out an object and he is hiding it in his left hand. Now he's approaching Brett as if to shake hands.
Al: What could he be up to Hulk?
Hulk: What are you an idiot, Al? Have you never watched professional wrestling?
Al: Not that I want to admit. But anyway, Brett is shaking A-Rod's hand. What's going on?
Hulk: Here it comes, Al. Watch his left hand.
Al: My God! A-Rod has just stabbed Brett Favre in the eye with a sharp object. What was it Hulk?
Hulk: What else Al? A-Rod's favorite weapon, a hypodermic needle.
Al: This is unbelievable. Brett Favre is staggering around the ring with a syringe dangling from his eye! Have you ever seen anything like this?
Hulk: No, and neither has Brett Favre. He might be the only athlete left that hasn't taken a steroid injection.
Al: But it looks like that's no longer the case Hulk. Look at his eye, it getting huge!
Hulk: You mean like my biceps?
Al: Exactly. In any case, Brett is on his knees, now. He's signaling to the referee. I think he's quitting.
Hulk: How appropriate, Al.
Al: Yes, everyone, it looks like this fight is over, if you could call it a fight.
Hulk: As usual with these guys, Al, the reality did not live up to the hype.
Al: That might be the first intelligent thing you've said, Hulk.
Hulk: Why thank you, Al.
Al: Well folks, looks like Alex Rodriguez is now the undisputed champ of drama-queen athletes everywhere. What do you suppose is next for Brett Favre?
Hulk: No doubt, he'll need an injection in his other eye to balance them out. After that, I'm sure he will finally retire. But let's give him a couple of weeks to decide. Or maybe months. At least I think he'll retire, but then again...
Al: Well said, Hulk. Well that's it folks. Thank you again for tuning in. Look for our next match, when we will bring you the Steinbrenner kids—fighting for their father's approval. So for Hulkster and myself, good night America!
Photo Credit: The photo for this article was a photoshop done on freakingnews.com. You can view other brett Favre photoshops on their site.