Dallas Cowboys: Lawrence Vickers' Crotch Burned with Swarm of Fire Ants

Gabe Zaldivar@gabezalPop Culture Lead WriterJune 7, 2012

Photo Credit: Larry Brown Sports
Photo Credit: Larry Brown Sports

Lawrence Vickers suffered an affliction that I wish on no man. He was attacked by fire ants who decided to happen upon his crotch, making these fire ants the biggest jerks in the insect world. 

The Cowboys' Vickers quite literally had ants in his pants during OTAs recently. The Dallas Morning News reports the fullback was seen holding his waist and heading to the locker room at Valley Ranch, looking to be treated by an athletic trainer. 

The report issues that Vickers had a run in with the douchebags of the ant world about four months ago. When he was stung, his neck swelled and he began wheezing, alerting the athlete that he was indeed allergic to their bite. 

So you can see how the big man would freak the funk out when he noticed that he was one big snack for some ants during OTAs. 

Here is how he described the incident, per the Dallas Morning News, and how he tried to maintain some decorum and decency despite being devoured:

Fire ants got in my pants. I was freaking out. Oh, ants!

I was trying not to squeeze myself in front of women out there. I wanted to pull my pants down and run inside, but I couldn't do that. When those ants get close to those testicles, there ain't no laughing about that.

Um, it's cool, dude. If you happen to have fire ants around your testicles, by all means scratch, maneuver and move. If you need to disrobe and streak like a mad man all the way to the locker room, we will all understand. 

By all means, handle your scandal. 

Sure, it may look hilarious and odd at first, but then someone would come over and mutter, "Vickers had fire ants around his crotch."

That's when the laughs would turn to frowns of concern and empathy. They would see a shrieking, naked Vickers grabbing his crotch and think, "That seems about right."

Allergies and things biting your nether regions is no laughing matter, and Vickers, via the report, carries an EpiPen with him in case of a severe allergic reaction. In this case, he was treated with Benadryl and was back at practice 15 minutes later, making him far more man than I am, because I would be sobbing after the painful invasion of privacy by D-Bag ants. 

Vickers, you are our hero. 


Follow me on Twitter for updated awesome.