The Bluths Explain Football: A Jacksonville Jaguars Primer

Nate Dunlevy@NateDunlevyGuest ColumnistJune 6, 2012

This man has needs.
This man has needs.Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

Welcome back to the Bluths Explain Football, an ongoing series in which the cast of Arrested Development gives you insight into the AFC South.

Today's episode is "Visiting Ours." Let's see what it can teach us about the Jacksonville Jaguars.



Michael tires of visiting his father in prison because George Sr. never gives him any information that will help the business. Kitty the secretary has information Michael needs, as well as an obsession with Gob, who is repulsed by her.

Tobias and Lindsey attend counseling while Maeby spies on them. Meanwhile George Michael visits prison with disastrous results.

Michael manages get Lucille to visit George Sr. in the conjugal trailer, while calling in a favor from Gob, who escapes Kitty only to suffer a fate worse than death.



"I hate to be a buzz kill, but I'm trying to get you out of here!"

"I'm trying to get us out of last place!"

- Michael and George Sr.

The early over/under lines are out and Vegas has the Jaguars projected for a potential last place finish. Gene Smith may be under fire if he can't manage to get his Jaguars to finish above .500. If they do finish last, he will certainly be gone.


I'm going after this guy with everything I've got! Art! No, we are writing a letter.

I'm delivering the strongly-worded letter I wrote written by natural light

- Gob

The city of Jacksonville recently wrote a strongly worded letter to the Jaguars over a contract dispute. After it became clear the team had acted correctly, the city was forced to retract the letter in embarrassment.


"How are they going to see us?"

"Well, it says Bluth Company on the side and it's a stairway. That'll catch the eye."

- Maeby and George Michael

It just seems like there's still light coming from under the door.

- Gob

Probably the most unfair criticism of the Jaguars is that no one wants to see them. They have a ridiculously oversized stadium for the market, and it gives the false impression that demand is soft for the Jags.

It's not.

There are plenty of fans, and the team is very well supported. No matter how good a job the team does of filling the seats, the perception is always going to be that there is something missing.


One of these got smushed, but don't let that ruin prison for you.

- Michael

This goes out to Marcedes Lewis, who had one of the worst seasons in the NFL last year. There were some personal issues affecting him, and the play of his quarterback didn't help. He got a big new contract, but that wasn't much consolation in the face of everything else that happened to him.


Daddy horny, Michael.

- George Sr.

Blaine Gabbert was in desperate need of a little TLC after the freak show that was the Del Rio regime. I've made no apologies for the fact that I'm a big Mike Mularkey fan, and I think the fact that Gabbert is now metaphorically in bed with a coach who can meet his needs is very good thing.


Sometimes I don't know if it's going to be a long hug or a short hug or a middle-medium hug. It's hard to tell sometimes.

- George Michael

While I love the signing of Laurent Robinson, the one concern is that Gabbert won't be able to get him the ball in the deep game. Robinson has a great combination of speed and hands, but it remains to be seen what kind of offense the Jags will be running.

If they try a short passing ball-control type game to protect Gabbert, Robinson will be wasted. If they try and go long, Gabbert might get killed.

The result is an awkward in-between middle-medium passing game. That's never good.


"I've got news. He's guilty."

"He is?"

"Incredibly guilty."

- Michael and George Michael

Justin Blackmon is pleading "Not Guilty" to DUI, but things sound bleak for him. His best course of action at this point is to take his lumps and clean up his act.



The Jaguars are in tough spot. There's a lot of pressure on the team to come up with answers, and at times it feels like the family, be it the city or the players, isn't helping out like it should.

Mularkey just wants to get things back on track, but Maurice Jones-Drew insists he not be subjected to eating the "pool food" that is his current contract.

Though some will accuse me of committing some light treason, I'm reasonably convinced that his glasses off and hair up, Gabbert won't look quite as bad this year.

If not, the team may find that it will get significantly fewer visitors.


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