Game-Day Fanhood: Know Your Role
Game day is a special day. It’s a time for your bros to get together and share in some bro-tastic camaraderie. That special group of friends is a bond not to be messed with. But every group of friends has certain categories that everyone fits under.
Nothing is better than hearing, "Wanna come and watch the game this weekend?"
As a matter of fact, I do.
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This dude has never in his life seen an opening kickoff, first pitch, or tipoff in his life.
You tell him the game is at six, he is there at six-thirty. Every. Single. Time.
His consistency in his craft is extraordinary. You would think you could outsmart him and tell him to be at the house at five-thirty, but you would be wrong.
Every. Single. Time.
“Sorry guys, I was doing this thing at that place. What'd I miss? “
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Remember when you were old enough to say your first curse word and not get into trouble? This guy embraced his new freedom and never let go.
As a matter of fact Bill, you cannot bring your children, unless you want them to learn phrases that would make Eminem feel uncomfortable.
You hope that the home team wins or you’ll be spending next Sunday at church just for listening to this guy's expletive-laden rant.
Is he even making sense?
“Holy ******* ******* how the **** can he ***** call ***** the ****** play with the ***** and those mother ******* driving with a monkeys ******* for the love of ******** ********************* football! ********!”
Mr. Dark Cloud
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Who invited this Negative Nancy?
He has zero faith in his team and not afraid to show it with his fellow fans. Even on the most positive plays, he claims how lucky we were that our quarterback, who will probably get injured soon, got off a lucky throw to our receiver who probably caught it with his eyes closed by accident.
Also goes by the name: Brody Buzzkill.
“It doesn’t even matter if we win this game, were not going to make playoffs. Even if we do, we're going to be bounced in the first round. And even if we make it past the first round, Johnson is going to get hurt and they’ll be worse next year.”
Mr. Quick Click
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Remember that miraculous comeback you witnessed? He doesn't.
As soon as our team is down ten-plus in the fourth, he proclaims the game over and moves to the next one. His finger is always on the remote just waiting for that special moment when the game teeters from competitive to only slightly less competitive.
We were only down eight with the ball!
“Well this is hopeless, what channel is bass fishing on?”
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Ah yes, the one friend that is not sure how he got lumped in with this particular group, and they aren’t sure where he came from.
He doesn’t even like football and has absolutely no contribution to the gathering at all.
If he says anything, it’s met with that weird awkward silence. You know the one, where people just stare and realize that he’s there.
You do know what I’m talking about, don’t you? Guys...?
“………… I think I’m going to go………not that anyone cares……..okay, bye……?”
Mr. Knows Everything but Seriously Doesn't Know Anything
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This Brocyclopedia got his Ph.D. in sports knowledge at the local failing community college, from the adjunct professor that got fired halfway through the semester.
Still, that will not deter him from spewing his unfounded, fake sports facts to anyone within earshot. Not only that, he’s quick to confrontation in defending his claims to anyone that protests.
Steve Young had more field goals than David Akers? You don’t say? No seriously, don’t say it.
“All of you are complete idiots! EVERYONE knows that running a fake field goal works ninety-seven percent of the time. If I were a coach that’s all I’d do is run fake field goals. In fact I’d do it on third down, since third down plays have a higher success rate than fourth down plays. STOP LAUGHING. STOP!”
Game-Day Fanhood: Know Your Role
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There you have it. Look around the room at the next game day and tell me you don’t have the same dudes or dudettes that are mirror images of these.
Don’t tell Mr. There about me, though.
He's just weird.