Anger Management: The Sequel, Starring Sean Avery and Jack Bauer (Satire)

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Anger Management: The Sequel, Starring Sean Avery and Jack Bauer (Satire)

Anger Management: The Sequel, Starring Sean Avery And Jack Bauer

FADE IN:
JFK INT. AIRPORT

SEAN AVERY says goodbye to ELISHA CUTHBERT before boarding a plane for Dallas.

ELISHA CUTHBERT
(cutely)
How about a goodbye kiss, SEAN AVERY?

SEAN AVERY
I have NO phobia about kissing in public….

FADE TO:
EXT. ALLEY WHERE KIDS ARE PLAYING STREET HOCKEY

YOUNG SEAN AVERY is about to kiss a puck bunny. Unfortunately, he gets "pantsed" by two guys wearing goalie masks and Devils jerseys.

FADE TO: INT. AIRPLANE

SEAN AVERY sits down between JACK NICHOLSON and JACK BAUER.

SEAN AVERY
(Seeing Nicholson) Jack!

(Seeing Jack Bauer)
Uh-oh! Kim's dad!

JACK BAUER
If you ever go near Kim again, you'll never play hockey—or walk—again.

SEAN AVERY
Don't worry...

JACK NICHOLSON
Say, didn't I see you in Men's Vogue?

SEAN AVERY
You wanna make something out of it? 'Cause if you do, I'll kick your butt with a very expensive show—that matches my belt and shirt.

JACK BAUER frowns ominously. JACK NICHOLSON watches the in-flight movie, TOMCATS, and enjoys it thoroughly.

JACK NICHOLSON
You’ve got to watch this. Get some headphones.

SEAN AVERY
Doesn't this thing get sports? Let's watch some hockey! I bet there's some good fights on the highlights reel.

JACK NICHOLSON and JACK BAUER catch each other's eyes and shake their heads sadly.

JACK NICHOLSON
I know you have a lot of rage inside you.

SEAN AVERY
You're just mad because the voices I hear in my head don't talk to you.

JACK NICHOLSON
Nah. (pause) Trust me, you’re filled with rage and you need some anger management.

JACK NICHOLSON torments SEAN AVERY in an effort to make him explode. He doesn’t. Eventually, he DOES.

JACK NICHOLSON
Congratulations, you’ve made it to stage two of my program.

JACK torments ADAM even more to make him explode. He doesn’t. Then, he DOES.

JACK NICHOLSON
Congratulations, you’ve made it to stage three of my program.

SEAN AVERY
You’re a moron and you’ve lost the ability to pick good film roles—except for The Bucket List.

JACK NICHOLSON
I’m going to steal your girlfriend.

SEAN AVERY
Which one?

He DOES.

ELISHA CUTHBERT
Sean! I’m so happy you've overcome your anger by having a series of bridge-burning explosions.

SEAN AVERY
Maybe we can get together again?

ELISHA CUTHBERT
Yes!

SEAN AVERY
Do I have to ask Jack Bauer for permission?

ELISHA CUTHBERT
Yes!

SEAN AVERY
Uh-oh. He'll kill me.

ELISHA CUTHBERT
YES!

SEAN AVERY
Well this doesn’t make any sense at all!

ELISHA CUTHBERT
Makes sense to me!

SEAN AVERY
I love you too!

They kiss. In PUBLIC.

JACK BAUER appears out of nowhere, dressed as a Devil.

END

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