Following whatever guide there is to rebounding from bankruptcy as a celebrity, Warren Sapp is coming out with a book. Yay! What a better way to make a profit than making a few hyperbolic statements and calling out a few people from your past, because THAT is what sells books.
Hemingway did the same thing, right? And from the looks of it, Sapp is following this same formula. The Tampa Bay Times got their hands on Sapp's Sapp Attack (this is the real title, a team of literary professionals probably came up with), and provided a few excerpts from this literary masterpiece. The front cover is Sapp wearing a suit and eye black, and pointing at the reader. If you're one of those people who literally judges books by their covers, you'll probably be right on your assumption for what is about to happen on the following pages.
Here's what to expect in the book:
Someone FINALLY ripping apart the Tampa Bay Buccaneers' old mascot:
"Bucco Bruce was the logo. The NFL had lions and giants, cowboys and panthers. We had the sappy pirate. C'mon, how intimidating is that, Bucco Bruce? He was this sad-looking pirate who actually had his earring in the wrong ear. What kind of pirate has an earring in his wrong ear? He was supposed to be sneering but actually looked like he was winking."
The frequency at which Sapp had his ass taped on the uprights:
"Once a week, right into the season, I got my a - - taped to the uprights. One time, they taped (Brad) Culpepper and me back-to-back in the middle of the floor."
An endless attack on Sapp's first coach, Sam Wyche:
"Sam Wyche and I never did arrive on the same planet. … Wyche thought you motivated people by making snide comments, by belittling people. … So it wasn't a surprise his coaching staff was disloyal."
"I always said that Tony Dungy put the damn cake in the oven, and then Jon Gruden came in and put the icing on it. Of course, Sam Wyche couldn't even get the mix out of the box."
Warren Sapp snitching on fellow players:
"Now that Whitey (his nickname for Culpepper) also is retired, I'll confess for him that he was one of the people who did that. He practically bathed in silicone before a game. Trust me, if he had ever tried to hug his wife before a game, she would have slipped right out of his arms and gone straight up in the air."
Revelations that Keyshawn Johnson was cocky:
"Among the biggest problems we had on that 2003 team was Keyshawn Johnson...Everything was about him."
TRENT DILFER SUCKS EGGS:
"Dilfer … basically was an interception waiting to happen. There were times we practically pleaded with him, 'We know you're not going to score a touchdown, but please, just don't turn it over.'"
My biggest takeaway from these quick snippets is YEAH! About time someone told Bucco Bruce what's good. Screw THAT guy.
This book is apparently 314 pages long, 150 of which I would guess are that middle section filled with pictures. There is no timetable for the book's release, which is unfortunate because I am going to the beach in a few weeks and need something to read for 45 minutes. The one positive thing I'll say about the book is that it least seems entertaining, and the snippets contained no major grammatical errors, which is nice. And for someone who probably needs a few bucks, the "entertainment" factor is huge.
So salute to you, Warren Sapp. You've now written as many books as Harper Lee.