Author’s note: This article is not backed up by any facts whatsoever, and is merely meant as a response to Ted Williams’ article, "MLB: New York Yankee Predictions."
I almost feel bad posting an article like this on Bleacherreport since I believe it diminishes the quality of sports journalism on this site, but someone needed to address this ridiculous article.
Let’s count the ways in which the Red Sox will suck more than ever this year.
1. Manny Ramirez will get caught smoking crack in a Boston "triple decka" this spring, and be forced to attend rehab sessions for the majority of the season. His response will be, "There's always next year!"
2. While in rehab and under pressure from reporters, Ramirez will finally admit he doesn't know the name of the sport he is playing.
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3. Mike Lowell will revert back to his old ways and hit .236 again (see 2005 season).
4. Jonathan Papelbon will suffer a career-ending injury, but will find comfort in his second job as a contestant on ABC's "Dancing with the Stars." Unfortunately for him, he'll get voted off the show after the first episode.
5. After losing a bet to David Ortiz, Kevin Youkilis will be forced to shave off his prison pussy. As a result, he'll ground into a record number of double plays and crumble faster than Samson with the Philistines.
6. In an effort to increase his arm strength, Dice-K will exhume the corpse of Ted Williams, believing that to consume the dead is to steal their power. Two days later, he will be deported back to Japan.
7. Okajima, dishonored by his peer, will commit ritual seppuku. Terry Francona serves as his second.
8. Opting to pitch instead of calling it quits or going to rehab, Curt Shilling will throw his arm out in the second month of the season, there by forcing him into retirement, and to a life of internet blogging.
9. Tragedy will strike Fenway this year as the Green Monster will collapse under the weight of Boston's over-sized ego. A dozen Red Sox fans will be injured.
10. Red Sox fans will finally realize that writing idiotic articles under the pseudonym of Ted Williams is absurd and an insult to a great man.
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6 months ago
Nice haircut Chip. I'm sure the rest of your co workers at The Gap just think it's FABULOUS!
At least I admit to being a homer, your looking at 3rd place. How's it feel to want?
5 months ago
Wow sweet comeback dude, why don't learn how to write a proper sports column and stop churning out the junk that you call journalism. Red Sox fans can talk as much trash as they want- The New York Yankees will always be considered the greatest team franchise in the HISTORY OF SPORTS!
5 months ago
Just so you know Chipper, I'm not a journalist but I make a sweet buck in the publishing business. I have for over 20 years now. I have fired more snot nosed punks like you than the Yankees have roid users.
I'm in charge of advertising for a large very successful chain. I know what we, and others pay reporters so don't give up the gig at the Gap and I'm sure living in your Mom's basement isn't so bad. There always blogging to keep your 'skills" sharp.
I'll keep an eye out for your resume.... And post it on our joke board along with your boy band photo.
ps nice shades, I'm sure Jeter thinks they are adorable.
pps, The Yankees have and always will suck. But you know that in your heart of hearts.
ppps. We might need someone to answer the phone for classifieds, one of our girls is having a baby soon. interested?
I'll look for you at all the Sox Vs. Yankmee games. I'm a season ticket holder, look for me in the Loge boxes. First base line, I'm the one with mens sunglasses.
You tool
5 months ago
Wow jackass, nice work bringing up you're "successful" carreer- you really showed me!!
If by "Gap" you mean a very succesful lobbying firm in Washington DC, and by "mom's basement" you really mean my own apartment which I share with my girlfriend- you'd be spot on in describing my carreer/lifestyle. So I don't think I'll be applying to your shitty publishing firm any time soon, I'm doing more than fine down here thanks. Also, my family has been life long season ticket holders to the Yankees-I've been going to World Series games since I was a little kid- so the bullshit resume you just laid out really doesn't do much to impress me, nice try though. See below for the all time Yanks vs. Sox statistics:
Number of Meetings 1,744
All-Time Series 988-775 NYY
Regular Season Series 977-767 NYY
Oh yeah lets not forget the 26 World Series Titles and 39 AL Pennants the team has too. Keep talking big guy, you've been doing great so far....
5 months ago
If six figures and retirement in another 5 years is shitty, then I'll take it. And my 3 cars, two houses and portfolio. Not to brag or anything.
So your a whore for the pharmas or for the queer sunglass lobby? So have you been lobbying Larry Craig, he'd love you. (thanks to Bill for that one)
Glad to hear you have a girlfriend, We were just wondering, not that theres anything wrong with that.
(Signed Chris)
KEEP RELIVING THE PAST SON, IT'S ALL YOU GOT.
AND YOUR STILL A TOOL AND THE YANKEES STILL SUCK
We've all enjoyed this little banter here at my multi million dollar shitty publishing firm, your on the bulletin board along with the other posers who are trying to mock the Sox. We all love yanking your chains cause it's so freaking easy.
Enjoy third place and we'll see you at that dilapidated ghetto park for the Sox games, remember, I wear mens eye wear so look for me and my boy's from Southy. We love making new friends in the Bronx.
Don't bother replying, I'm off to the Keys for a week and won't be online much but the guys have access to my account here, and they aren't so diplomatic.
Much love
The Nation
5 months ago
Ted-you keep bringing up your career which makes little sense to me. For starters it has nothing to do with baseball, and I'm not sure why you even mentioned it in the first place. Second, you’re clearly older than me by some years (you've said you've been in the business for 20 years) so the fact that you're retiring soon isn't anything special, in fact it's quite ordinary. The same goes for your "big" six figure salary- pretty standard-I plan on making at least that in the next 5, and many of my friends are already making that fresh out of college. So why don't you stop bringing up your job-because in all honesty it means little me, it's not very impressive, and by the time I'm 20 years into my career I'm gonna be far more successful and wealthy than Bill, Chris, and yourself. Have fun in the Keys- don't forget your bottle of Viagra old man, you're gonna need it after downing those margaritas. By the way- if you want a real vacation you can always come to Capetown, South Africa with me in a few months (my family just bought a multi-million dollar house near the beach)...I can reserve the pool house for you.
5 months ago
No thanks Chipper. I don't roll on Daddy's dime. Have fun with your trust fund. You struck me as a spoiled little shit.
Come to my old stomping, and I do mean stomping grounds in Southie and we'll show you what we do with little Ivy league tools like you. We've all worked our way up on our own without daddy buying us the BMER, My 6 series was paid for on my sweat.
Your just like the Yankees and it's why we hated you guys Try to buy another world series. It doesn't work anymore. Well now it's our turn, we got the cash, we got the kids in the minors and we got ownership with deep pockets and aren't the sons of a successful yet obnoxious owners, Hanks going to be fun to watch.
The back page of your local rags will be a fun read.
Get used to looking down the standings to the third row.
You and the rest of you Yankee pussy's will have to get used to losing, oh yeah, you should be used to it by now.
The season starts Tuesday and your still a tool.
The Nation has spoken.
5 months ago
I love the vitriol when your precious scene gets exposed for the joke it is.
5 months ago
And your still a tool
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