Bob Sapp and the Top 10 MMA Fighters That I'm Pretty Sure I Could Take
Bob Sapp is one scary, scary looking dude (and his laugh is even scarier).
All the intimidation in the world, though, can't save him from being an "F-list" fighter at this stage in his career, and for that, I would like to propose a slideshow.
Look, I'm not a fighter.
I'm 6'3", 215 lbs. of pure college student, keyboard warrior goodness.
Even though I lack any sort of formal training, after seeing Sapp's last 156 fights, I'm pretty sure I could rush him, punch him once and make him tap.
These recent performances of Sapp's got me thinking: What other fighters would I actually stand a chance against?
Here is my compilation of the top 10 fighters who I would actually consider standing across from in the UFC Octagon.
Note: For the sake of relevancy, I'm keeping the list to UFC/ex-UFC fighters (except for Sapp, of course).
No. 10: Keith Jardine
Jardine's (left) glass jaw makes him a perfect opponent for me. Credit: MMAjunkie.com
Keith Jardine, like Bob Sapp, is a scary-looking man.
With his goatee, shaved head and all-around angry demeanor, Jardine isn't a guy likely to get bullied too often.
But if I had to fight an MMA fighter, he'd be one of the first I'd challenge.
I'll admit that I'm a fan of Jardine's, and I always root for him, but his glass jaw is incredibly suspect.
That's where I'd get him.
Coming out swinging, I'm either going down or taking him down in this one.
Ideal Result: Victory via KO, :30 Round 1
Likely Result: Jardine via KO, :05 Round 1
No. 9: Dan Lauzon
I don't think Dan Lauzon's "Nothing to Lose" tattoo could ever be more applicable than in a bout against yours truly.
Lauzon showed nothing in his short UFC career (despite posting impressive results in smaller shows), and obviously, a matchup with me would be a high-profile fight.
Since he shrinks away in the big moment, I would try to pounce early and end his night.
That said, I want no part of his big brother.
Ideal Result: Victory via KO, :50 Round 1
Likely Result: Loss via submission, 1:34 Round 1
No. 8: Junie Browning
Junie Browning is crazy; of this I am certain.
What he is not, however, is an elite fighter. If it weren't for his ridiculous antics and constant belligerence, I highly doubt he would have ever been as talked about as he was during his brief stint in the UFC.
For this sub-par game, he's a perfect candidate for me to fight (that, and I have a 70-pound weight advantage on him).
Ideal Result: Victory via TKO, 1:45 Round 1
Likely Result: Loss via submission, 2:35 Round 1
No. 7: Cody McKenzie
From the time I first saw Cody McKenzie on The Ultimate Fighter, I knew I liked him.
From his crazy hair to his spaced-out attitude, this was a guy I could root for.
And then he grew that epic facial hair...
Just when I thought a dude couldn't get any more awesome, McKenzie went and grew the coolest beard in the history of the UFC.
Damn, this one pains me, but as long as I drill some guillotine defense leading up, I think I can take him.
Ideal Result: Victory via decision (Jab and a lot of movement)
Likely Result: Loss via McKenzitine, 3:12 Round 1
No. 6: Cole Miller
Mark Kolbe/Getty Images
With his 6'1", 155 lb. frame, Cole Miller doesn't scare me.
He is a UFC fighter, though, so he probably should.
In a fight against Miller, I would come out throwing bombs and hope I find his chin before he finds mine.
I'm doomed, aren't I?
Ideal Result: Victory via KO, :14 Round 1
Likely Result: Loss via submission, :34 Round 1
No. 5: Micah Miller
After taking out his brother, I'm going into a bout with Micah Miller with full confidence.
Knowing that I've already taken out the better of the two siblings, I'm showing almost no respect for Micah, and my haymakers will be coming more ferociously than ever.
Because of this, he will probably just slip a punch, take me down and submit me, but hey, a man can dream, right?
Ideal Result: Victory via KO, :35 Round 1
Likely Result: Loss via submission (kimura), :35 Round 1
No. 4: Kimbo Slice
Richard Wolowicz/Getty Images
Kimbo Slice is so busy fighting cans in his professional boxing career that he probably forgot what it feels like to actually get punched.
That's where I come in...to shoot a double leg, of course.
I would enlist the help of a great wrestling and BJJ coach leading up to this bout and hope that I can take him down before he catches me on the jaw.
That said, I've watched Kimbo's career in the UFC and seen some of his famous street fights on YouTube, and I'm not totally blown away by his punching power. (See, I'm already developing the hyperbole necessary to succeed in this sport).
Ideal Result: Victory via submission (arm triangle), 1:16 Round 1
Likely Result: Loss via KO, :24 Round 1.
No. 3: Dustin Hazelett
Hey, how did that 10-year-old grow a beard?
Hazelett has to be one of the least intimidating guys in MMA, and that makes him the perfect opponent for me.
All I have to do is keep this one standing, so it's all striking and takedown defense in the lead up to the fight. If I can stay on my feet and expose his chin, I have a chance.
Ideal Result: Victory via Paul Daley-like KO, :55 Round 1
Likely Result: Victory via Paul Daley-like KO, :55 Round 1
No. 2: Kalib Starnes
I hope you are hitting the treadmill, Kalib, because you're gonna need to have some intense cardio to get away from me.
I would charge Starnes the whole fight (not throwing haymakers this time to conserve energy) and hope to eventually pin him against the cage and fire away.
For the fight, I would need to work on my cardio as well, as it surely gets tiring chasing somebody around the cage.
Ideal Result: Victory via TKO, 4:34 Round 1
Likely Result: Victory via TKO (opponent exhaustion), 3:45 Round 2
No. 1: Bob Sapp
Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images
Look at him!
How can a man that looks like that be No. 1 on a list of people a total "noob" fighter would want to step in the ring against?
Because he's a quitter; that's how.
Sapp has made bank in these late stages of his career by simply quitting at the first sign of adversity.
That's where I come in.
I'm not throwing a single power punch at Sapp in this fight; I want to see how he throws the fight against me, and I want to give him time to do it.
I'm going to simply run away from him, a la my last victim, Kalib Starnes, and see what he does.
I want him to beat me to prove to himself that he can actually hurt somebody, that he actually used to be an intimidating foe.
What will he do instead? Will he act like he twisted his knee running?
The world may never know, but the world certainly knows I would win.
Ideal Result: Loss via KO, 1:25 Round 1.
Likely Result: Victory via technical submission, :01 Round 1.