A while back my significant other told me she though Alex Avila was sexy. I was surprised to find out Avila was her favorite Tiger. I wasn't taken aback because mostly I was happy she was interested in baseball.
While I'm not the jealous type and not prone to retributive behavior, I thought it only fair that I respond to her five picks for sexiest Detroit Tigers.
She Said: "V-Mart was an easy pick, he's tall, Venezuelan and handsome. Seeing him at the ballpark with his son, Little Victor, makes my heart melt."
I say: I get it, I get it. He's tall, dark and handsome. And yes, Little Vic is a cute little fella who, by the way, can hit from both sides. Also, I can understand the appeal of an "active" father. But, this pick surprised me because V-Mart has an incredibly goofy smile.
He also has a bad leg, which isn't saying much considering I get a bad leg after one day of laying sod.
Maybe if I get V-Mart's new haircut, she'll be reinvigorated.
She said: "He looks dangerous, in a good way. He's only number four on my list because he makes the ugliest pitching faces."
I said: Does that mean I can slam my shot glasses down on the table after I take a shot of whiskey? Can I stay up all night and party with my friends in the garage? Is it all right if I disappear for two weeks at a time?
I'm trying to think of all the ways I can be "dangerous in a good way" without getting into serious trouble. Unlikely.
But, if Scherzer's on her sexy-Tiger list, I'm in decent shape because I make some ugly faces when I pitch...softball...underhand...poorly.
If only I had one brown eye.
She said: Well, she went on at length about Fister. "He's calm, cool and collected under pressure. If he's disappointed in a pitch he doesn't let it show. A Clint Eastwood-type who would protect you from the 'bad-guys.' He's also the guy that opens doors for you and lays his jersey over a puddle so you don't have to get your feet wet."
I said: This is a tall order, literally. Fister is 6' 8", which is an entire foot taller than me.
She's got me on this one. All of my idols are easy under fire. Also, if I was a professional ball-player, I'd lay my jersey over a puddle for her.
Unfortunately, I'm an English professor, so if I laid something over a puddle, it would be a tweed jacket with leather elbows.
In the meantime, she'll have to settle for 5' 8", and me opening the door for her at our local dive bar.
She said: "He has a classic look, very handsome, and a great smile. If you met him out of uniform you would never know he was an all-star catcher. He's very friendly and he's good friends with all the guys on the team. He's charming but not phony and very grown up at 25. It makes sense that he is a catcher because he seems very grounded. Also, he has a cute butt."
I said: Well, isn't that nice. A cute butt. At least it gives me license to comment on a member of the opposite sex's posterior should I feel inclined. Perhaps it doesn't. In fact, I'm sure it wouldn't work out.
I'm curious, how does she know he's good friends with all the guys on the team? That's sort of similar to myself saying, "All the girls at yoga must get along really well."
But it's true, Avila is a personable guy, and it shows in the clubhouse and through his media exposure.
Still, I'm not sure why she finds him sexy; he looks like a baseball player version of the Incredible Hulk.
She says I look like him. I say "He looks like me."
She said: "He has deep eyes, incredible focus and looks great with a shaved head. Has class but doesn't take himself too seriously. Confident and seems very easy to talk to. Who wouldn't want a date with Austin Jackson? There's something electric about him. He's always smiling and although he's a dangerous hitter he seems like an all-around sweet guy. He's probably a great cuddler."
I said: What, I don't cuddle? She's right, I don't. I roll over and dream about being the last option on Jim Leyland's bench. Baseball dreams rule me.
She's right about him being a dangerous hitter (right now), and he does seem like a pretty easy-going fella, so she's got points there.
I almost told her who we traded to get Austin Jackson, but I was afraid she'd ask to see a picture of him, and have another ball-player to crush on. If you've ever been to the left-center bleachers at Comerica park, you'd know that Curtis Granderson's all-female fan club still comes out of the woodwork when the Yankees are in town.
I thought women liked older men. And, here's an older man who has won an AL and NL championship (7th in history), a World Series and 1605 games (17th overall, 1st among active managers).
Is there no sexiness in accomplishment?
This is the man who tells Barry Bonds to sit down and be quiet, the man who smokes Marlboro Reds in the dugout, the man who invites the Detroit Economic Club to party in his office and a man who can cry openly when his team wins their division for the first time since 1987.
I'm not a judge of "sexy", so it's hard to tell who's right here.
I will say, however, that there's something very sexy about a woman who watches enough Tigers to make a list like this.