Let's quickly review the general personalities of the eight Ivy League Schools:
Harvard: solopsistic verging on sociopathic, deep-down highly insecure, sexually repressed, socially-challenged, ridiculously anal...not in a good way. Guiding conviction: Style-trumps-Substance. Desperately want to be the best, at the expense of having a soul.
Yale: second-place syndrome, highly sexual, frequently naked, pranksters, grinders who out-work their competition. Guiding conviction: Substance-trumps-Style. Love snatching defeat from jaws of victory.
Princeton: Norman Rockwell/J Crew "intellects", WASPy, safe, afraid they'll be exposed as dumb, forgettable (convinced they're not), but not nearly as bad as Penn. If Harvard-Yale is sexy Brangelina, Princeton is Jennifer Aniston.
Columbia: tough, rough-around-the-edges, solid, dying to protest anything. Think delusionally at 20 y.o., that one can actually change the world. Limousine liberals. Ideal relationship is transgender interracial.
Brown: laid-back, tree-huggers who don't really wanna be bothered. The sedated Koala bear of the Ivies. I'm sorry... What was the question?
Dartmouth: Dude, grab Chip, let's get drunk on the Zamboni.
Cornell: 6th or 7th place syndrome. I... just... caaaan't... take it... any...more...Let's head to the Gorge.
Penn: Nothing. Zero. Zilch. Invisible.
My apologies to everyone at the University of Pennsylvania, but it doesn't belong in the Ivy League. It's the worthless, bastard, red-headed stepchild of the Ivies. This is more of an overall, academic reputation thing than a sports thing, but since all conferences are structured around athletics, let's please remove Penn from the Ancient Eight. Anybody who's been to an Ivy League school knows that Penn blows. And everyone I know who attended there is utterly lame and milktoast. UPenn is like eggshell paint: practical, functional--and totally forgettable. Even M. Night Shamalama-ding-dong. Seriously, Wharton is the only thing it has going for it, so the seven other University Presidents need to grow some sack and give Penn the boot. Dump it. (By the way, if Wharton B School had any balls, they would secede.)
And who should the Ivies replace UPenn with? No brainer. Pick up Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore. Unlike boat-anchor, dead-weight Penn, Hopkins brings incredible prestige to the table. Number One medical school in the country, insane off-the-charts eggheads abound, and national champions many times over in lacrosse...a sport rich in Ivy tradition. So please, Penn, you're incredibly lame, and everybody knows it. You're just sucking up valuable oxygen even existing. So step aside, and let Hopkins in. It's better suited in size and stature with the rest of the Ivy League.
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