I'm a baseball fan. I love the innocence of a backyard evening game amongst all the neighborhood kids. I love how there is no other sport in the world with such legendary names as Jumpin' Joe Dimaggio, Hank Aaron, Jackie Robinson, Lou Gehrig, Mickey Mantle and who can forget the “Sultan of Swat,” George Herman "Babe" Ruth.
There's nothing more suspenseful in the sports world than a full-count pitch and there is nothing more exciting than a walk-off knock to the upper deck in the bottom of the ninth.
But the largest reason why I hate the idea of steroids intruding the game of baseball is the fact that baseball is so strongly embedded in our glorious American culture that the past time has become sacred.
If you ask me, there are about two or three levels of Hell; the second worst level being reserved for those that pollute sacred things while here on Earth. Taking steroids in baseball is like sneaking a porno mag into church or trying to smoke a bowl in a Catholic confessional booth.
Any decent Big League player, when given steroids, could threaten a heavenly record set by one of the greats gods of baseball.
That is why I hate villains like Barry Bonds and Mark McGuire. As children, they grew up idolizing the Greats; as adult baseball players, they selfishly tarnished as many sacred records as they could before the world caught on to their crime. Hank Aaron's record was honestly earned. No steroids, no muscle-enhancers... Aaron rocked the Home Run record with just drinking a glass of cold milk every morning.
Steroids have no place in baseball.
But don’t mistake what I’m saying. Notice that I said “steroids have no place in baseball.” That doesn’t mean that steroids don’t belong in pansy sports.
Imagine how luring figure skating could be if the men were jacked up on 'roids, throwing 110 lb. hotties around the ice. Occasionally, one of the men would throw a steroid tantrum and pick a fight with another contestant. Just think about it... the best thing that has ever happened to figure skating was the Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan battle. Let's bring that back, figure skating. But this time, let's give them steroids. I guarantee someone would end up with something more than a busted kneecap. And yes, I would watch that.
Imagine what would happen if you pumped some 'roids into more tennis players: more racquet throwing, more stabbings, more screaming at the line referees, and best of all—louder grunting after every serve. Tennis players would stop aiming their serves for the inbounds box and start aiming at the other opponent. It would resemble a great game of dodgeball—with faster balls and a hard racquet. Sad? Yes. But once again, I would watch that.
Imagine how thrilling Olympic speed-skating would be if athletes were allowed to juice up before a race. Speed skating would quickly become Speed Roller Derby. Yes, I would definitely watch that.
Imagine what would happen if we injected steroids in the hockey rink. I'm not saying hockey is a pussy sport at all, but I do hear that the NHL is having a hard time selling itself these days. Steroids may just be the solution. I guarantee America will embrace it if there are more fights—that's the only reason anybody watches it anyways. So let's just give the people what they want. Pump the NHL players with a couple doses of steroids every now and then and we'll see a lot more outraged fights on the rink (any honest man that has seen a pissed off meat-head on ‘roids has to know what I’m talking about).
And why stop at steroids? I think there are some sports that would be better if the participants were boozed up.
Imagine the intensity of watching a NASCAR race when all of the drivers were at least 10 beers deep. Harder bumpin' and closer drafting. When the cars hit the pit, the pit crews would swap tires and throw the driver six more cold ones. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an advocate of drunk driving (on public streets)... but I have to say: I would watch that. Sorry M.A.D.D.
For the Record: Andrew Brown does not endorse the mixing of alcohol and motorsports. Actually, that’s not entirely accurate. Truth is, as long as there is a protective barrier, such as a racing wall, between the participators and the spectators, every thing is kosher in his book.
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