15 Things in Sports That Need to Be Killed off
Nothing is perfect, and that includes the wonderful world of sports, complete with a few things I would love to see face a harsh and sudden death.
It's time to wish ill will on things that must go bye-bye.
Wouldn't it be amazing if we could enjoy the dunks, home runs and touchdowns without all that fluff that gets in the way?
I submit there are some leagues, positions and peripherals to our daily sports day that are in need of a quick exit.
The following things are like perfect steaks that comes served with a punch in the face. In short, they are unnecessary and many times painful.
I hope you share my enthusiasm for their demise. If not, we can fight about it in the comments section.
You can also recommend some, too, because there are far more unnerving things in sports that have to leave immediately.
15. National Signing Day
Hey, why not place a world of pressure on some kids that have proved absolutely nothing? That sounds like a grand idea.
I am convinced that by the year 2025, ESPN will run a special on eighth graders and their decision on which high school to play for.
14. Mid-Game Coaching Interviews
I have learned zero things from this interview, and am actually quite bored now.
The winning coach will feel that there is still work to be done, and the losing one will give so many cliches you would have thought Rick Reilly penned his script.
13. Double-Technical Fouls
The only thing more overused in basketball is Rock and Roll Part 2.
This is the equivalent of Mommy and Daddy not knowing who started it, so they send both kids to their rooms.
The NBA has turned into a soft league that is dominated by officials that have far too much say in how the game plays out.
There have been far too many technicals for demonstrative attitudes. Demonstrative attitudes? It's a crucial regular season game, they are playing front of thousands and you just blew a call.
Of course there will be some F-bombs dropped.
12. The Wave and Beach Balls
This is far overdue.
I am not sure when The Wave started, but it may have featured three Romans getting up in unison back in the Coliseum and then someone exclaiming, "hey, that looked like a wave."
Thus, the dumbest thing in the world was born. Shame on you for standing up with an actual smile and thinking to yourself that the sea of fans looks like a wave.
It's 2012, are you also amazed by flashlights and the TV box with little people inside? I just want to watch the game, not take part in one big drop in IQ.
Also, the beach balls have to go. The baseball stadium is the only place in the entire world that you can get bopped in the head with an anonymous ball and actually get tremendously excited.
I have seen 50-year-old men get hit with a beach ball, and grab it with the enthusiasm of Tim Tebow at Easter.
It's a beach ball, and it's 99 cents at Target.
11. Tim McCarver
No, I am not offering a suggestion to euthanize the man; merely to mute his need to explain what a curveball is and why a team would want to go for a double play.
Listening to McCarver ramble on is so painful that I once took a pencil and began jamming it into my temple hoping for a quick death.
Alas, I survived but actually felt better.
10. NFL Trade Deadline
Some nobody was traded to somewhere I don't care about? Excuse me while I spit Lucky Charms all over my computer screen.
Nothing ever happens at the NFL Trade Deadline, so stop calling it one. Just allow trades forever, because nobody would notice anyway.
Not that any of it matters, because it's too early in the season for teams to pull the trigger on huge deals anyway.
9. WNBA Highlights
I have nothing against women, women's basketball or a hefty amount of layups and perimeter shots. Hell, the Charlotte Bobcats would do well with a bunch more of both.
However, I take umbrage with the 15-second highlights of the Atlanta Dream I am forced to watch on SportsCenter from May to September every year.
Again, not a fan of watching this league, ever. I could be wrong, but I doubt it. You can decide with a rundown of their Top 10 plays as of 2007.
8. NFL Preseason Games
Oh, you can have them, just stop televising them after the first quarter. And really, that's all I have to say about this.
7. The NIT
Oh, boy. It must be awesome to be the best worst team in the nation. There is nothing sadder than the NIT tournament—not even a Chris Bosh birthday party.
There is a big hug waiting those kids picked last for pick-up basketball games, and it's called the NIT. I wish I could say that is matters, but it would be like the Charlotte Bobcats winning a postseason tournament to decide the first pick in the NBA lottery.
Wait, that's actually a great idea. Get David Stern on the phone.
6. Designated Hitter
It amazes me that we have gone this long with such a horrible idea in place. There is a ton of strategy that goes out the window when the DH rule is imposed, but that's hardly my issue with it.
Like kickers, designated hitters are allowed to play only a part of the game. That allows players like David Ortiz to put his walker away, pick up a bat and take some hacks.
There is something very wrong about a man unable to play the field being able to decide the entire game with an at-bat.
Get out on the field, make some errors and we are cool.
5. Slam Dunk Contest
Ohhhhhhh! Did you see that?
Yes, I did, a number of times.
Maybe we don't kill the Slam Dunk Contest but merely shelve it for the next decade. Hey, even I can't eat Taco Bell every single day.
Sometimes you push yourself away from the table so you can get a taste for the stuff again.
The latest dunk exhibition featured a bunch of guys that had to come in with IDs to prove they were who they said they were. Next year they are just going to pick people from the stands to start dunking.
Also, I am over the props and Kenny "The Jet" Smith yelling at me all night long.
4. Kickers and Punters
I have never been as passionate as I am in my hatred for punters and kickers. One thing you will never hear is, "Honey, where's my Mason Crosby jersey?"
Unless, of course, you are in the Crosby household and are Mason himself.
The NFL is chockablock full of hard hits, dynamic plays and sweet spirals. That's when the football gods come out and demand the goofy guy come out an decide the entire game with one arbitrary kick.
We might as well have a couple dudes come out on fourth down and rock, paper, scissor to see if they get the field goal.
Forgive us all for not being amped to see a trembling kicker come out on the field, because they only come out after horrible disappointments.
Your favorite team either failed to get a first down or a touchdown, and now the balance hangs on some guy that will eventually screw it all up, but he will wait until it really matters.
Somewhere Vlade Divac is falling down in the aisle of a K-Mart after being gently bumped by a shopping cart.
Call it gamesmanship or a necessary evil, but I just call it a deplorable act of small-minded individuals.
You see, we have grown so accustomed to flopping that it has no affect on us jaded viewers. You either start penalizing for the egregious act, or the athletes need to start bringing in props.
Yes, I need to see ketchup packets and flops multiplied by a thousand. Only then will I be happy.
Little-known fact: every time an athlete flops, John Daly takes one drink. You people are killing the poor man.
2. Super Bowl Halftime Shows
"Hey, let's spend ten minutes watching entertainers try not to suck."
I have nothing against the Black Eyed Peas. Well, actually, since they acquired Fergie, I have a ton of problems, but that's all for another article.
My issue is with the Super Bowl Halftime show as a whole.
There has never been a better reason to flip on the Puppy Bowl. The reason is this watered-down event that tries so hard to appeal to the masses that it falls flat.
Oh, and God forbid a nipple comes flying out or middle finger is thrown at the TV, because we can't have anything half-way interesting on this thing.
We are forced to either watch some old codgers that were cool decades ago, or some really lame current acts.
If you don't believe that this should be taken out back and put down, consider some of the worst shows in the past here.
1. Pro Bowl
Thank the high Tebow for small mercies.
The Pro Bowl could be suspended in 2013, making me happier than Juan Uribe at a Hometown Buffet. This awful exhibition serves no purpose, other than giving a bunch of players a great week in Hawaii.
Consider the posted video for why this horrible All Star game needs to go. There is no amount of defense, and absolutely zero chance you will be entertained.
I know what you will say: "but they don't want to get hurt, and that's why they don't try hard."
Well, that's precisely why we need to take this game out into the middle of the ocean, chop it up and start throwing it out as chum.