I didn't get invited to Super Bowl Media Day...too bad. Since I wasn't there, I don't have a tape recorder full of amazing sound bites...or a notebook jammed with the funniest, craziest, and most newsworthy things that were said.
Of course, the whole thing is so predictable—it's not like I don't already know what all the guys were going to talk about. So, here's an imaginary collection of quotes from Super Bowl XLIII Media Day in Tampa, Florida...key word being IMAGINARY.
"Nervous about the big game? You've gotta be kidding, man! Back when I went to THE Ohio State University, we used to play in the national title game every year. What was that? Did we win one? I don't know what you're talki...NEXT QUESTION."
"You want to know if I should be in the Hall of Fame? Are we talking about football or the grocery? I was one great stock boy, let me tell ya. My aisle dash was timed at 4.7, and when you talk about throwing boxes, my completion rate was right up there with the best of them. Yeah, I 'm hoping I'll be in Canton, but even if I don't make it there, my grocery cart is already waiting for me in the NGHOF. That's when you know you've made the big time..."
"Anybody got an Advil? This 'bounty' thing ain't all it's cracked up to be...and after Baltimore, I've got the bruises to prove it. Thank goodness the Cardinals play in that minor-league division...I mean...that didn't come out right...we respect all the teams in the NFC Wes...sorry, can't even get through that with a straight face. Let's just say that after the AFC playoffs, this should be a cakewalk. That's off the record, right?"
"Is being an NFL backup all it's cracked up to be? What kind of stupid question is that? Of course it's not. I'm going to be watching the game just like millions of average Joes at home...except they at least get to see the commercials. Believe me, if I could pull a Petrino and go back to the college game, I'd be out of here tomorrow...ah, the good old days."
"How do I do it? Well, you start with 20 minutes of shampoo...then I allow at least 35 minutes to brush, depending on if I'm going straight or curly. I can't reveal any more secrets, because I'm still in negotiations with a couple different hair care companies...check back with me in a month."
"Yes, I used to work for the Steelers. No, I'm not bitter with the Steelers. Yes, I love and respect a lot of those players. No, I don't know every play they're going to run...who do you think I am, Jon Gruden? Can't we find another storyline here besides me and my Steelers connection anyway? Next question...
"Yes, I used to work for the Steelers. No, I'm not bitt..."
"Yes, I'm really enjoying my Super Bowl experience so far. My agent has two new endorsement deals lined up for me, so look for those coming up soon. No, I've never had one before, but all of a sudden my phone's been ringing off the hook. Yes, I'll be representing Butterfingers and the Screen Actors Guild. And no, that doesn't have anything to do with dropping a pass and/or faking an injury. I don't have any idea what you're..."
"I'm trying to finish this int...will you please be quie...stop talking to m...Anquan, get out of my face while I'm working! I don't need this right now."
(Oh wait, sorry, that was from the NFC title game, not Media Day. My bad...)