President Approves Plan to Move Gitmo Detainees to Detroit

As his first official act in office, President Barack Obama announced plans to close the Guantanamo Bay detention facility in Cuba. Today, the President's administration announced that it has secured a location to house the hundreds of foreign detainees currently being held at the facility.

In a written statement issued to the press, the President’s Chief of Staff, Rham Emmanuel, revealed that once the facility in Cuba is shut down the US will move the remaining detainees to Ford Field in Detroit, Michigan.

According to Emmanuel, the President and his staff considered many potential sites, but were specifically looking for a location that had plenty of space and was very isolated. “It is our understanding that this facility is used to housing large numbers of outcasts and losers, and further, we believe the city of Detroit to be mostly vacant and uninhabitable at this point.”

According to Emmanuel, the transition to the new detention facility at Ford Field is set to begin sometime in late August, and detainees will be housed in the facility until January or February 2010.

“We were informed by local officials that the stadium is virtually empty during this time of year, and they agreed to allow us to relocate the facility to Detroit on the condition that we would purchase season tickets for each detainee.

"We felt that this was a win-win for the U.S. Government and the city of Detroit because under the plan, the Lions would have actual fans in their stadium next fall for each home game and the detainees would be forced to choose between the unpleasant experience of watching an entire Lions season or accepting a reduced sentence from the U.S. Attorney.

"We have also discussed the possibility of switching the detainees’ prison issued uniforms from those bright orange jumpsuits to No. 11 Dante Culpepper jerseys and Lions sweatpants, as they can't actually sell Lions merchandise, but we are waiting to hear back from the UN about weather this violates the Geneva Convention rules against torture of prisoners.”

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