My Comedic Look at WWE's Royal Rumble 2009

christian orendorfContributor IJanuary 26, 2009

Today, I review my thoughts after watching last night's Royal Rumble ppv. Note that I had to laugh at a number of segments throughout the Royal Rumble, so if my review makes you laugh by the memories alone, then I've done my job well.

So let's begin...


1.) Matt Hardy vs Jack Swagger for the ECW Title- No. 1 I gotta say I don't believe Swagger should have the title to begin with.  He's not had enough time with the company to deserve it in my personal opinion. 

He looks like a college kid whose probably been to enough beer bashes for JBL to pick him up after a pukefest in the bushes by the frat house. 

Anyways, back to the match. 

Hardy dominates early on in the match with his striking abilities.  Swagger seems shocked that someone's actually taking the fight to him instead of a bunch of little nobodies letting him give them a beating. 

Swagger begins to get some offense in.  I kinda blanked out for a bit cause this match seemed a bit boring, but it was the opening match of the ppv, so I wasn't expecting much. 

The Herr's cheese curls distracted me with its awesome flavor. Anyways, my memory kicked back in just in time for Hardy to get thrown into a turnbuckle, which led to Swagger doing his powerbomb for the win. Big whoop. Swagger rolls out to another drinkfest, and Hardy sits on the steps crying like a woman.

2.) Melina vs Beth Phoenix for the Women's Title- Yay another pointless title match.  Although I do prefer Beth as champion, she has needed some real competition for some time now. 

Watching past matches against the beautiful Kelly Kelly have been appalling. Anyways, Melina got pretty much owned for most of the match. Some of the stuff Beth did to her was kinda sick. 

In the one position, she had Melina in a single legged boston crab, and then proceeded to arch the leg back to the point where she was smacking Melina in the back of her head with HER OWN FOOT. 

My friend Hoyer who was at my house watching it with me kept yelling "stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself!" It made me crack up hysterically. Anyways, I never really saw the nail in the coffin cause I had to grab a drink from my bar, but apparently Melina won the match and is the new women's champion. 

It really wasn't a match that kept me enthralled, but what can you expect from a WWE's women match these days?  Beth did look completely surprised though at the end of the match, like as if in shock.


3.) John Cena vs JBL (w/Shawn Michaels in his corner) for the World Heavyweight Title-  This by far was one of the most entertaining matches of the night.  Many bumps throughout the course of the match, they kept acting like Shawn was really gonna get into it, but he really didn't much.

This was really a back and forth brawl, both Cena and JBL getting in their normal spots. 

Finally, the ref gets knocked out somehow (I always find it funny that a single shot can knock out a ref for hours on end in wrestling, but that's another story for another day), and Shawn enters the ring. 

JBL is giving the "aw yeah" kinda smile as he prepares for Shawn to take Cena out, when BOOYAKA he gets the superkick of doom to the face. Cena smiles, and BOOYAKA Shawn whacks Cena with the superkick as well!

With the ref and both Cena & JBL out, shawn puts JBL atop of Cena, and rolls out.  Another disposable ref comes down for the count, only ends up with Cena kicking out cause of the time lapse.

Cena magically hulks up and gives JBL the FU for the win. Whoopity doo! It's not like I care for Cena at all, but JBL in my eyes NEVER should EVER hold a major title AGAIN.  And this will hopefully bring back the rivalry anyways between JBL and Michaels.


4.) Jeff Hardy vs Edge for the WWE Title- Man oh man, this match was annoying to begin with. First, Vickie comes out and turns it into a No DQ match, and immediately Chavo walks out with Edge, so I knew already that it was gonna be a crapfest. 

It mainly became a brawl between the three of them, and I really wasn't impressed.  Hardy botched a jump from a ladder onto Chavo when apparently the ladder gave way, turning what I believed was supposed to be a body splash into a horrible looking headbutt.

I actually chanted BENOIT when the headbutt hit. Edge and Hardy were going at it when suddenly Matt Hardy came down, bringing a chair. He acted like Jeff and him should do a con-chair-toe (lol sorry not certain if its spelled correctly), when WHACK he took out his own bro Jeff. Edge looks surprised, and goes for the pin. 

Matt had this whole vacant stare look. The last time I saw that look on anyone, Shawn Michaels had just superkicked Hogan in the face for the first time.  So we'll see where this crazy storyline goes...


And finally...

5.) The Royal Rumble Match-  This match really was great, had an eclectic mix of superstars from all 3 brands represented.  There were a number of spots from each wrestlers, from chokeslams to frog splashes, from 6-1-9's to RKO's, this match had em all. 

Miz and Morrison did good as a team for awhile, but were eliminated almost simultaneously. RVD made his surprise return, which really pumped me up. Santino even made the new record of fastest eliminated superstar in the rumble history by Kane. 

Hacksaw Jim Duggan even took on the Undertaker and Big Show for a bit, which surprised me. My Asian friend Hoyer pointed out something interesting though, that in all reality only one african-american superstar would be in the ring at a time, and if a second came in, it almost spelled certain doom for the superstar that was already in the ring. 

Anyways, it came down to the final six superstars of Legacy, HHH, Big Show, and Undertaker. Big Show and 'Taker pretty much took each other out, bringing back that abysmal fued between the two which no one really cared for.

HHH got stuck being dominated by Legacy, and he eventually went on to take out both Rhodes and Dibiase before being taken out by Orton for the win. I was proud of Orton winning, he was actually my first choice for winner of the rumble anyways. Let the decimation of the WWE begin lol.

Overall, the ppv was ok in my personal opinion. Not the best event they have held, especially for one of the top 4 ppv events WWE usually holds each year.  But, it was interesting to say the least. 

It was worth the buy somewhat, although I only purchase the ppv's because of the discount I recieve for being a cable employee lol. But, I hope you enjoyed my review. 'Nuff said, im out...