If you grew up in the 1990s, or had a child who did, you’ve probably seen Space Jam a time or two (or 200).
So, you probably know the story: The Looney Tunes are in trouble because a group of aliens want to enslave them. So, they challenge the tiny aliens to a game of basketball.
But, the aliens steal the talent of five NBA players and the Looney Tunes must enlist the help of the recently retired Michael Jordan to help them win.
Space Jam was made 16 years ago, though, so I think it’s time for a remake (as is the trend in Hollywood these days).
Let’s take a look at whose talent the "Monstars" would steal in 2012.
(The Monstars picked an odd lineup of players and skewed toward a bigger lineup. I’ve tried to keep that dynamic intact.)
Bradley was a tall, gangly shot blocker with a defense-first attitude. That’s exactly the way Davis plays.
Davis can affect a game without touching the ball on offense, and that’s what this edition of the Monstars will need.
With all the other star power on each roster, the center position will be used primarily to clog the lane.
No one today does that better than Davis.
Patrick Ewing was one of the biggest, most physical centers of his era. He’s also currently one of Dwight Howard’s coaches.
Howard is one of the strongest, most muscular people in the NBA right now. He already looks a little bit like an alien.
His defensive dominance and post presence would make it hard for the likes of Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck to get an easy bucket.
There’s no doubt that Howard would be one of the stars whose talent would get stolen.
Barkley was one of the best power forwards of his era. That’s what Griffin is becoming today.
The first edition of the Monstars certainly liked to dunk, so it’s only natural that the second edition would feature the game’s best dunker.
Griffin’s alien player would definitely embarrass the Tune Squad with several high-flying, demoralizing dunks.
The Monstars didn’t really have a true shooting guard, choosing Larry Johnson instead.
This will be the new Monstars biggest advantage over the old Monstars, with LeBron James taking over for Johnson.
LeBron, in addition to being a better all-around player, would probably also be this Monstar team’s point guard.
The Tune Squad would have a very tough time guarding a super-talented alien version of LeBron.
Bogues was a very short, irrationally confident point guard.
That describes Nate Robinson pretty well, too.
He’s not a true point guard, but with LeBron James also on the roster, he probably wouldn’t have to do too much ball handling.
He’d provide some exciting dunks, too, something Bogues wouldn’t be able to do.
Okay, so Kobe isn’t retired, but he’s the closest to MJ that this generation of players will ever get.
His killer attitude most closely resembles that of Jordan’s, and so does his skill set.
Just like MJ, Kobe would refuse to let the Looney Tunes lose.
He has the experience of winning a championship with a bunch of lesser players, so the Tune Squad wouldn’t be too much of a downgrade from some of the Lakers’ championship rosters.
Finally, we need a goofy comedian to come in and save the day when all hope is lost.
There’s no substitute for the legendary Bill Murray, but Conan O’Brien will have to try his best for this version of the Tune Squad.
Conan’s height will be a big asset to the team, but his overall lack of athleticism certainly won’t help.
I'm sure he'd be able to successfully pass the ball to Kobe, though.